Pickiness: How Men and Women Miss Opportunities in the Romantic Marketplace

Initially, this was going to be a post on how some women are too picky. However, a recent post by Lana Li piqued my interest in how men, in the age of dating apps, are also becoming overly picky (highly recommend Lana’s substack Love Me Like a Robot)…and it made me think of how men miss the mark for this reason.

The best way to characterize pickiness in terms of sex/gender, is that women are too picky when it comes to choosing men, whereas men are too picky when it comes to committing to a relationship.¹ This fits with the general dynamic that women are the gatekeepers of sex (choosing who to date), whereas men are the gatekeepers of relationships.

No one should date anyone they’re genuinely not attracted to, but we should also remember that pickiness is a trait we most closely associate with the behavior of children.

Adults understand that life is about tradeoffs—there are no perfect answers.

Note: I will be using numbers to assign value (more on value in this post) to people in terms or how attractive they are to the opposite sex as a short-form way to make the point, but this doesn’t mean that every human isn’t unique and beautiful in their own way!

Men who won’t commit, even when they should

Let’s dispense with the dudes first because it’s an uncomplicated story: high quality men are extremely hesitant to commit to long-term, monogamous relationships. Why? Because if he’s a 9-10 in terms of looks/money/status, he’s able to have short term relationships with lots of women, which is a hell of a lot of fun, and doesn’t impose on his freedom to live however he wants.² However, the next level of men, 7s and 8s, are also loath to commit, because if they’re using dating apps, they’re rarely matching with women who are equally attractive. Most of the dates they get will be with 5s and 6s, and he’s never going to be excited about committing to a woman who’s not on his level.³

However, where men screw up, whether the true 9/10 ballers, or the 7/8s, is that when they do meet a girl they find genuinely attractive, and she’s fun and interesting and truly into them, they fuck it up by not locking her down.

Part of this is FOMO: our human nature to wonder if there’s an even better looking, more compatible woman out there. But relationships are built over time. We become more valuable to our partners as we live together, love each other, share experiences, face challenges, etc. In other words, if he sticks with it, the bond he will develop with her will far surpass any new relationship that has to start at the beginning. The commoditization of dating via social media and dating apps makes it easy to forget that we are human beings, not products.

These men also don’t understand that when you meet a high-quality, beautiful, reasonable woman, she’s not going to wait around forever. She’s not going to put up with fuckboi behavior. She knows her value, and if she wants a long term monogamous relationship, she knows she can find one. And it’s often the case that men don’t realize this soon enough and lose her as a consequence.

I was in my fuckboi era (RIP: 2018-2022) when I met my ex-girlfriend, and on our third date she laid down the gauntlet: this is either a serious, monogamous relationship, or I’m walking. Very compelling and I committed!⁴

Men need to remember that time for us too, is ticking. We may have a longer runway, but if you want to get married and have a family, time is not unlimited. And it’s worth pointing out that if you haven’t had any long-term relationships or gotten married by the time you’re 35-40, that’s a red flag: a clear signal that you’re not serious about having a stable, lasting relationship.

When Women Become too Picky: the Restaurant Analogy, Distorted Valuation, and Playing with Bad Odds

In the history of human civilization, women have never had more access to so many men of every make and model, nor have they enjoyed more freedom to exercise that access through social media and dating apps—and remember that on dating apps, there are 2-3 times as many men as women.

And yet, despite this incredible access to hundreds of millions of men actively seeking women, many women remain single because they can’t find a man who meets their standards. When people talk about how men, as a group, aren’t doing well these days, it’s often paired with the complaint from women that there just aren’t enough high quality guys out there.

This may be partially true as men are falling behind in terms of education and earning potential. But we also know that women are aggressively targeting the top 10-20% of men, and the competition is fierce. The true question is: if we had a society with way more high quality guys, would that make a difference, or would women simply continue to focus on that top 10-20%? On dating apps and social media, I have to imagine it’s the latter.

There’s simply no getting around the fact that at least part of the modern crisis of mating and dating is the fact that too many modern women are too picky. Too many 5s and 6s are targeting—and expecting to land and marry—men who are 7+, and that’s not going to work, because as pointed out above, marriage is not a good deal for men when this is the value proposition.

This pickiness isn’t intentional or explicit. It’s not that women want to be overly picky. But here’s why it happens anyway.

The Restaurant Analogy: All the Places She Can’t Afford

For women, dating is a lot like choosing a restaurant for dinner: she can eat anywhere she can afford to go that’s nearby. Her value determines how much money she has: if she’s a 6, she can eat at any restaurant who’s a 6 or below. She can also sometimes get into a place that’s a 7, or even an 8, but the more she exceeds her value, the smaller the tip she can leave, and the maitre’d may not be super excited to give her another reservation.⁵

When choosing, she’s also aware of her social circle, because of course, she’ll want them to approve. After all, if everything goes well, they’ll be joining her some of the time.

But unless she’s exceptionally beautiful, she’s going to get bored with the usual options—she wants to eat at the better restaurants!⁶ Totally understandable. It’s hard to want to eat at the Cheesecake Factory when you’ve been to Morton’s.

The good news is that if she’s willing to try something new and break with convention, she’ll discover all kinds of amazing places with phenomenal cuisines who would be more than happy to have her. But many women aren’t willing to be adventurous, or are unsure if their friends and family are ready for a more exotic meal.⁷

So she’s stuck with TONS of conventional options at a similar price point, and it’s not clear who to choose: some might turn out to be amazing and become the new spot to go on the regular, but most will be meh or slightly disappointing, and some will be downright awful. So before selecting a restaurant, she pours over the menu, inspecting every dish, researches where the chef went to culinary school, checks how big the place is, etc. And wouldn’t you know it, so many of them have flaws—especially true given the dating advice she sees on TikTok and Reddit.⁸

However, unless she is willing to get more money i.e. increase her value, OR is willing to try a less conventional restaurant i.e. go outside her comfort zone, her choices will remain the same, because she can’t afford a better restaurant. The price is the price. And this is how so many women come to share that same sad conclusion: there just aren’t enough good men out there.

But this is primarily a problem of perception, because there are plenty of great men available—they’re just not Prince Charming Perfect guys who check all the boxes and fit neatly into the curated life we see on social media. For those girls who have super strict filters on your apps, or don’t respond to DMs from cute, seemingly successful men, remember: you’re looking for a human relationship, not selecting a product off Amazon.

After all, most of those reasonable women I mentioned above are in long term relationships with or married to men who are great guys—like, there’s a huge cohort of women who are almost never single. But how?! Simple. These women are either willing to break with convention to access high quality men, or go about sampling the most suitable among their conventional options, and after seeing which place they like best, become their all time most valuable customer.

Those who have a hard time picking, or shifting strategies, should regularly remind themselves that time is ticking: as a general rule, women are most physically attractive in their 20s and early 30s. That doesn’t mean women can’t find love at any stage in life, but the longer one waits, the more likely it is the best restaurants are all booked up, or simply out of her price range. Permanently. Women don’t have to like this fact, but it’s no more arguable than a man who’s 5’2” trying to convince you he’s tall, or a man who’s broke trying to convince you he’s a baller.

Value inflation on social media and dating apps

One of the reasons this happens is that the amount of attention women get on dating apps and social media produces an inflationary effect on their assessment of their own value—many women who are 6s, think they are 8s. This is why the term “mid” exists as a pejorative.

And sometimes mid women match with guys who are extremely handsome on dating apps, or DM back and forth with men who are relatively famous on Instagram. They may even hookup with some of them. But this is where access does not lead to success, because the bar men have for sex is way, way lower than commitment to a long term relationship.

Waiting to hit the lottery: seeking unavailable men

This increased access dovetails into why some women treat modern dating like the lottery: perhaps they know it’s unlikely they’ll get one of these high quality or famous guys to choose them—but sometimes they do! Why can’t she be the one?

The fact is she could be—it’s true that sometimes the girl next door ends up engaged to a bro who plays in the NFL. But this is even less likely than hitting the lottery. Why? Because the lottery is random; male selection is not. Women seeking the top 10% of men are competing with every other woman on whatever platform he’s on. If it’s an app, this means hundreds of thousands of women in the same metro area. If it’s on IG or TikTok, it’s tens or potentially hundreds of millions. If he’s truly rich and/or famous, you might have a shot if you’re in the top 5% hottest girls on the planet. Maybe. And then it will certainly help to have access to him IRL. But let’s be honest, even if you do meet up, most of these guys are using social media and the apps to hook up—they’re not looking to settle down. Like, why would he when he has beautiful women throwing themselves at him on a daily basis?

And I get it! It’s fun to play the lottery. When the jackpot gets big, I’ll usually throw down a ten or twenty to see what can happen. Haven’t won yet though, which is why winning the lottery isn’t my financial plan, and similarly, not a good plan if you want a relationship.

A friend reminded me recently of a good rule to remember: if the chances of something happening are less than 3%, it’s best to assume it won’t happen. Ever.

Irrelevant Criteria and the Goldilocks Trap

Many women also use irrelevant criteria when choosing men. The two most common examples are age and height.

Think about this: how often do you ask co-workers their age? Indeed, how often do you ask anyone their age? I could hazard a guess at my colleagues’ ages, or my friends or other people I meet on a daily basis, but I don’t. Because I don’t care. And if it doesn’t matter in business, or life generally, why should it matter so much in relationships? If you find a dude attractive, and he’s successful and interesting and all the things, age is largely irrelevant, whether he’s younger or older.

As for height: if the guy is taller, isn’t that enough? How tall does he need to be, really, to turn you on? Remember, relationships happen in the flesh, person to person, not as hypothetical statistics on the screen of your phone. There are plenty of shorter men out there who would make phenomenal partners, but they never get the chance!

To illustrate the point: who would most women match with among the following men, assuming they are all equally handsome and in shape?

• Guy #1: 15 years older, 6’2”, makes 150K with 95% compatibility

• Guy #2: 3 years older, 5’8, makes 100K with 90% compatibility

• Guy #3: same age, 6’3”, makes 60K with 65% compatibility

On dating apps, women overwhelmingly choose guy #3. It’s actually likely they won’t even see the other two because of their filters.

This is what I call the Goldilocks Effect, and it’s why dating apps are becoming less and less effective for everyone: because women are using the irrelevant information provided by dating apps as important criteria in their selection process.

Keep it simple ladies—what matters for a successful relationship?

• Attraction: do you find him physically attractive?

• Connection: do you connect with him socially and intellectually?

• Benefits: is his status and position in life, who he is a person, and overall lifestyle going to make your life better?

If yes to all three, he’s a keeper. Don’t overthink it.

Selecting Men Based on the Approval of Others

In high school, college, and my early 20s, I missed out on a ton of opportunities with awesome women, because even if I thought she was attractive, I worried about what my friends and family would think if she wasn’t pitch perfect. I was way too picky! And I didn’t have a ton of girlfriends at that age either—I was super picky in the absence of abundance. Dumb!

I’ve learned since this is ass backward: if you like someone, your family and friends will like them too. And if not, are they the kind of people you really need approval from?

This is surely why many younger women refuse to date older men—not because they don’t find older men attractive (Pedro Pascal is 50, Chris Hemsworth is 41, Matthew McConaughey is 55, Michael B Jordan is 38)—but because they’re worried about what their family or friends will think about the age gap. The same thing happens with older women who date younger men and then blink…oh no, what will people say? And there’s an extremely toxic version of this where race factors in. Let’s be honest, there are a lot of white girls out there who will NOT bring a black or hispanic guy home because she’s worried about what her parents or others will think.

Question: are you an independent woman, or a slave to convention and orthodoxy? Who has to live your life? YOU. No one else. People care far less about your choices than you might imagine—they’re far more focused on themselves than anyone else 99% of the time, even your parents. And again, if your family and friends are good people, they’ll support your choice in a partner and make him part of the group.

Remember, there’s also a social stigma in remaining single, and this will only become more intense as birthrates go down and people come to realize the huge advantage modern women have and are squandering in the modern romantic marketplace.⁹ Would you rather be judged for being single—and be lonely on top of that—or would you rather have a loving relationship with a high quality man despite his being slightly outside of your social circle’s conventions?

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It’s natural to be picky about who we partner with—after all, if we’re looking for a long term relationship, we’ll spend years with this person. But there comes a point where many people are going to end up single and alone if they can’t reign it in.

For my guys who can’t commit, and my ladies who can’t decide, it’s time to take a look in the mirror.

Namaste y’all!

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You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

1. The data seem to show that men, like women, still target the most attractive users on dating apps. However, for most men, this doesn’t matter, because they won’t be selected anyway. Overall, the idea that men are too picky on dating apps doesn’t bear out when you look at the statistics. I’ve listed statistics about the apps in many other posts, but a few more here: if you give 50 women a roster of 50 guys, 46 of the women will target the same top 5 men. The average guy on an app needs to swipe or like 1000 real women (so, not counting bots) to get one date (he’ll match with a few more, but the others will flake). On average, men swipe right or like 46% of women, vs women doing the same for only 14% of men.

2. One thing to remember is that his looks, money, and status were hard fought, took him years of grinding to earn. This is why the advantage he now enjoys is so difficult to part with.

3. Why do I not mention men who are 5/6s or below? Because they are mostly invisible to women. If you’re a guy in this cohort, it’s time to up your game!

4. I didn’t realize at the time that when it ended she’d steal the dog, but alas! Not all things go the way we plan.

5. One thing women should do if they’re trying to land a high quality man is to make it clear that his life would be demonstrably better if she’s in it. That means being sweet, kind, showing affection, and hot, frequent sex.

6. This speaks to Lana’s research showing that men are targeting the most beautiful women on apps and social media. Pretty privilege is a thing!

7. I’m referring to women who are willing to find their dark horse, or date older men—I’ve written about this in Girl Game 500: How to Get Married, and Girl Game 102. Credit: Orion Taraban.

8. Reminder: if you get life advice off TikTok or Reddit, you are FUCKED.

9. The narrative is starting to shift as mothers become aware of how hard it is for their sons.