The Meaning of Marriage
What it takes to create a lasting marriage, and how to honor your vows.
For most people, the end goal of dating is marriage. Maybe kids too. This is true for cultural reasons because it’s the default model of romantic relationships, but also for human reasons: we do better in pairs and families than we do on our own.
It’s a good goal for most of us! Marriage, especially with children, comes with an in-built mission, community, and beautiful, loving relationships. There’s a spiritual, human connection we have with our partner and family, and it’s only possible within a marriage. Until we form these bonds, our partner—no matter how long term—is merely a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The rub is that marriage is a terrible contract if both parties don’t fulfill the terms. And it’s a non-binding contract, so there is no requirement to fulfill the terms. Would you sign such a contract in business or personal finance?
Most of us would not.
Do We NEED Marriage? No, And That’s The Problem
Last Friday, I took heat for my company’s screw ups with one of our biggest clients. The screw ups weren’t my fault, but it’s my job to be the face of the company as the Business Development Executive for my region, good or bad. Because of our contract, we OWE IT TO THEM to do our best and improve, or they will use another vendor. It wasn’t super fun. We have a lot of work to do. But I was happy to listen to them, and now that I have their feedback, we’re in a position to make things better.
The reason they were willing to have the meeting in the first place? The reason they didn’t just tell us to go pound sand? Because they need us. We need each other. They’re a huge client who spends a lot of money, and they need our services in order to be profitable. It’s a win-win. And it would be a huge hassle for them to switch vendors. So even if things get shitty for awhile, we’re committed to each other for the foreseeable future.
The problem with modern marriage is that most people today don’t need each other the way men and women used to, and many aren’t willing to go through the shitty parts of life with their partner if leaving is easier. This is why nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce—70% initiated by women.1 Those are alarming statistics.
Unfortunately, I’m one of them. I’ve been married once, and came damn close with another woman. I don’t blame them—they’re both beautiful people and I wish them well. And there’s no doubt I made mistakes in both relationships. I’m a flawed person, far from perfect. I talk to my therapist about it every time we meet. But I’m also a powerful force of a man: a loyal friend, a vibrant lover, a damn good cook, and I get shit done. No one who knows me would tell you otherwise.
I bring this up because it takes two to tango—advice I’ve doled out to both couples I’ve had the privilege to marry as officiant. No partner is going to do everything right—or wrong—in any relationship. No relationship can go so well you get married, or even consider marriage, and then fail purely because of one person or the other, even if that’s often what people tell themselves.
But it’s not easy to stay with someone when things go south. Far easier to leave and quit. I know a guy who’s wife started cheating on him while he was going through chemo, so it could’ve been worse. It’s hard to persevere through the darkest hours in life, to continue grinding knowing that you’ll succeed if only you don’t quit. It’s why most projects go unfinished, why few people truly achieve excellence.
This is all to say that for many people, modern marriage isn’t for “better or worse, etc.”—for a lot of people now it’s for “better, richer, and in health,” and as soon as something bad happens, sayonara sucka. Because they don’t need the other person. For most people, marriage is a formalized convenience for status and an excuse to have a wedding and pretend you’re all grown up.
But if that’s all it is, you shouldn’t get married. If you get married, that’s not the contract you’re agreeing to. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. No, if you get married, you’re signing up to support that person through their trials, mistakes, flaws, and weaknesses. Nearly everyone will face a huge challenge in their life where shit gets bad, maybe really bad. And if you’re married to them, you signed up to bail water, not abandon ship.
Some people are still together because they’re lucky enough to be in a marriage where nothing that bad happens. Some portion of people reading this are in a sexless marriage, and for at least one person, that is not by choice.2 Some portion of people reading this are staying together for the kids—and as long as they can remain civil and do a good job as parents, that’s not as bad a reason as many people think. Some portion of people reading this are still married because it’s better financially, socially, or simply because they’re smart enough to know they don’t have better options. And all of them, even if they’ve never had to deal with a true tragedy, understand and abide by their marriage vows, despite their relationship not being perfect, nor their partner.
People Say They Want Marriage, But Make Counterproductive Decisions
I read some posts on threads about dating recently, so now the algorithm is continually feeding me that stuff, and it’s shocking to see the percentage of posts—almost entirely from women—that say: “dating for marriage.” Go now and see for yourself if you don’t believe me. I just checked again searching “dating” and five of the first 12 posts I saw said, “dating to marry, like this post”—the two below back to back as you can see.
Now, the shit people post on social media isn’t always worth taking seriously, but this appears to be a genuine desire on behalf of women generally. Ask any guy who’s on dating apps how many times he sees: “looking for something serious” or “no hookups” or “seeking a long term relationship.” Before I deleted the apps, the last match I remember texting with asked, “so what are you looking for on this app?”
“To fuck”
No, I didn’t actually say that, but I hope women understand that demanding a relationship before you’ve even met is insane—how can you know if you want a relationship with someone you literally don’t know? And at the risk of repeating myself, the reason fuckboi’s exist—the reason some men can use dating apps for sex without offering commitment—is because women filter out men who would make good partners systematically by using irrelevant criteria in their selection, and then only choosing to match with men who are far more physically attractive than themselves. If you’re a woman who just wants to fuck hawt guys, this is fantastic.
But, if you’re “dating to marry,” or “looking for something serious”, dating apps don’t work very well—by definition. Ever since their inception and adoption, the marriage rate has gone down year over year.
Why? Because a man will marry when he meets a woman who’s more attractive than what he’s used to—a woman he genuinely enjoys spending time with and who makes his life better. Good and frequent sex also helps. But men will not engage in a long term relationships—let alone get married—when they are certain they can do better, and that’s reality for most men on dating apps.
As a result, many women are aging out of the dating market, unmarried and childless, despite wanting to be one or both. Men aren’t helping the matter, as many are simply too immature and/or unprepared for a long term commitment. Around 30% of young men aren’t having any sex at all. I’m not the first or only one to notice this—just the next in a growing list of people to say so.
But the dynamics are what they are for a reason: the choices people make about sexual relationships are based primarily on instinct, not logic, so we probably can’t expect this to change anytime soon.
If You Truly Want Marriage, Understand What It Means
Ask yourself honestly: are you willing to go through the “worse, sicker, poorer?” Are you willing to support your husband or wife through cancer, the loss of a family member or child, a health crisis, addiction, unemployment, or whatever other shit life may throw at you? All that stuff is really bad. It’s perfectly reasonable to be scared of any and all of this, and many people’s first instinct will be: run.
But life is long, and invariably, bad stuff will happen. Despite what we see on television and social media, life isn’t a sitcom where everything always goes well—and it’s often not our fault or something we can control. And if you aren’t willing to weather these storms with your spouse, you want marriage like you want a handbag or a new pair of skis.
In other words, you don’t—not really.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you were them, would you want to marry someone who was going to bail at the first sign of trouble? Would you want to pay a shitload of money, sign a contract with the state that gives them half your assets, and then stand in front of all your family and friends and declare your undying love and commitment, only to have your spouse render it all null and void on a whim?
No, you would not.
There are three legitimate reasons to get a divorce:
Infidelity
Unwillingness on the part of one or both partners to give the other person what they need/want—or at least to commit to work on it—like a sexless marriage or regular financial issues
The revelation that someone is fundamentally indecent or not mentally, emotionally, or socially capable of honoring their vows
That’s about it. Whatever may come, whatever dissatisfactions we have, as long as a couple can communicate and agree to work on solving those problems to restore the health of the marriage, there’s no reason for divorce—not yet. We owe it to our partner to give them time to right the ship.
If that all sounds like too much, you should not get married; you don’t deserve it, and you don’t really want a marriage anyway. And that’s fine! You can have long term relationships, or whatever kind of sexual relationships you want. But don’t marry someone if it’s not the most serious thing you do in your life.
Because it isn’t fair to either of you.
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This doesn’t necessarily mean women more are to blame—it may be the case that men are less proactive, and women less willing to put up with bullshit, both of which could be problematic for long term success.
If you’re in a sexless marriage, either both people need to figure out what the problem is and solve it ASAP, OR the person who is desiring sex has a right to go outside the marriage to get it. If this can’t be done, this is one of the very few valid reasons there are for divorce.
Honestly? I agree with most of this.
Marriage should be a serious commitment—not a performance, not a photo-op, and not a casual arrangement you discard when someone forgets to text back or the spark fades for a month. Real marriage is not about constantly feeling “in love”—it’s about being on the same team when life goes sideways. It’s about showing up when it’s hard, not just when it’s fun.
I also agree that we’ve become dangerously superficial about love. We swipe based on looks, pick partners based on how they make us feel in the honeymoon phase, and ignore the qualities that actually build a long-lasting, functional relationship—like emotional intelligence, loyalty, adaptability, conflict resolution, and shared values. You know… the stuff that matters after the sex and serotonin fade.
Where I think we could go deeper is here:
We don’t teach people how to build a healthy relationship.
Most people spend more time preparing for a wedding than for marriage. We’ve got driver’s ed before you can touch a car, but zero required education before you can legally tether your finances, future, and mental health to another human being.
If more states required relationship education—real, evidence-based emotional maturity training—we’d see fewer bad marriages and fewer divorces. People would learn how to communicate, how to recognize red flags and compatibility gaps, and how to build interdependence instead of performing “independence” while emotionally starving inside their relationships.
I also believe in interdependence over radical independence. We’re human. We’re wired to connect. No one thrives in total autonomy—not in families, not in business, and definitely not in marriage. The goal shouldn’t be two separate lives under one roof—it should be a shared life, built on mutual need, respect, and appreciation. We bring things to the table that the other values, and vice versa. That’s how strong partnerships work.
Where I personally disagree is the idea that we should stop caring if someone has kids from a past relationship. That does matter but it’s not always a dealbreaker- it’s definitely a life factor that affects the dynamic. It’s not about judgment—it’s about compatibility and honesty about what you’re capable of emotionally, mentally, and practically. For me, it's not about the kids as much as it's about how they are raised and the amount of appropriate boundaries with the other parent. If they can't keep their ex in check and in her own lane, I am out bc I will not tolerate a thropple I didn't sign up for.
But overall? You nailed a truth most people don’t want to admit:
Marriage isn’t a fantasy—it’s a contract, a grind, and a deep emotional investment that only works when both people choose it every single day… even when it’s hard.
Now imagine if we actually prepared people for that before they said “I do.”