People aren't Products: Turning off the Targeting Computer
What we can learn from the market of lemons created by dating apps.
In the OG Star Wars, Episode IV, Luke hears the voice of his recently slain Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, speak: “Use the force, Luke…Let go, Luke…Luke, trust me.”
“His computer’s off. Luke, you’ve switched off your targeting computer—what’s wrong?”
Luke: “Nothing, I’m all right.”
Similarly, while waiting for a flight recently at SeaTac, the same message came to me: “use the force, let go…” And despite having a few dozen matches and several dates set up (sorry ladies!), without thinking twice, I deleted the apps.
Could I get better photos? Absolutely. Could I tweak my profile? 100%. As mentioned, I was getting some results, but in the end, who was in control? Whoever it was, whether the algorithm or the ladies, one thing was for sure—it wasn’t me.
We have two choices when we realize a game is stacked against us: we can take the meager scraps we get, suffering submissively, supplicating for something better—or we can assert our power and choose to play a different game. Ship after ship had been destroyed, mindlessly following the path of the targeting computer. Would Luke’s fate have been any different?
Crash Davis has a great line in Bull Durham: “I don’t believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.” Annie is taken aback when he says this, and immediately regrets her decision to make Crash compete for her affection against the young and inexperienced Nuke Laloosh. Unfortunately, she’s too stubborn to admit her mistake until much later on in the film (post to come soon: fuck pride).
What are dating apps if not quantum physics? The app’s algorithms stacked upon each individual woman’s endless checklists and complicated calculus of green, yellow, and red flags, inventing her own algebra of filters as she desperately tries to sort through her myriad options. It’s all very complex and I’m not sure anyone knows exactly how it all works.
The Market of Lemons Created by Dating Apps
Men envy women for their abundance of options in the romantic marketplace, but I’m not sure we should. Like, there’s a reason women, too, are fed up with the apps, and it’s because in the sea of choices they enjoy, there are very few high quality options. Why? Because dating apps have created a market of lemons.
For those unfamiliar, a market of lemons is a marketplace where buyers have less information than sellers. The original paper used cars as the model: some used cars are being sold because they are lemons (poor quality), which is why the resale price of any car drops precipitously as soon as it’s driven off the lot.1 However, only the seller knows if the car is a lemon or not, meaning the buyer has to take her chances. The problem, however, is that this lowers prices for all cars, not just lemons, and as a result, people don’t sell high quality used cars, because in a market of lemons, buyers refuse to pay what they’re worth.
On dating apps, Women (buyers) can really only examine the information men (sellers) choose to include, and let’s be honest: 95% of this decision is based on pics. As attraction is the first key to a romantic relationship, this isn’t a bad place to start, but there are plenty of handsome guys out there with great pics who have no swag, no G, or who are just plain awkward weirdos—there’s also no guarantee he’s even remotely successful. Anyone can put on a suit, hire a photographer, or find a lambo to take a picture in front of. All of this, combined with the abundance of matches, leads women to take to what I call “wind talking”: trying to determine a dude’s worthiness on a platform that can’t possibly convey the information she needs by adopting arbitrary and subjective criteria for her choices.
And, in true FAFO fashion, this selection process is why there are so few high quality men on dating apps— because if you’re truly a high quality man, you have the ability to meet women by other means. So why subject yourself to such a random and inefficient process, especially given that the quality of your matches on the apps will never match the quality of women you can meet through social circle, IRL, or social media?2 Why sell in a market of lemons?
A: You don’t.
A man’s value to a woman simply cannot be expressed on these platforms as currently constructed—no matter how much we twist and contort ourselves, dating apps will always be a market of lemons.3 A high quality man spends his time more productively: building relationships, advancing his career, earning more money, working on projects, increasing or maintaining his physical strength and fitness, enjoying nature, spending time with friends and family, and providing for those he loves and cares for. Why spend our time and energy sorting through profile after profile, only to get mediocre results, when we can meet women in other ways where our true value can be expressed?
Sour Grapes? The Lack of Any Other Option
I’m sure to some, this comes off as sour grapes, but let me ask you this: is it sour grapes to get a better job if your current employer doesn’t value your labor? Is it sour grapes to leave a relationship when your partner doesn’t give you the love and affection you deserve? Of course not.
No, the real sour grapes are that most people don’t have any other choice. They’re resigned to use the apps and accept what they get.
Most men won’t learn to talk to women IRL, and the main reason? They don’t have the stones. Almost all men who’ve hired me as a dating coach wanted to learn this skill, but only about 20-30% actually did it. I was able to help the others by teaching them how to use the apps and improve their dating and overall game, but few guys ever get over their fear of rejection on this front.4
Women, on the other hand, want to be pursued, and many report that they would like more men to approach them—but they run into two problems:
The above—most men are too cowardly to approach.
They get in their own way, either not giving guys a chance to shoot their shot, or not being in enough social situations to allow men to approach organically.
The other problem women have is an inflated sense of their true value in the romantic marketplace. Getting attention from men online is easy, and it’s also incredibly validating no doubt, to have hundreds of matches on the apps to choose from, and even more bros hitting you up on IG to tell you how pretty you are.5 But this forgets a basic fact: men have a very low bar for women they’d be willing to have sex with. The bar is far higher for those worthy of a relationship. But women confuse his choice of “right now” for true desire.
So what are women to do? I’ve made some suggestions that will certainly help, and I’ll work on future posts and offering more strategies and tactics women can employ in the future.
For now, I’ll note there’s a massive difference between the romantic ideal many women have of “it’ll just happen” and sifting through men on the apps like shopping on Amazon for the best electric tea kettle. And if women, like Luke, turned off the targeting computer, the opportunities they have with men may be fewer, but they’re going to be far more authentic. It would also force women to confront whatever bad habits they have in terms of being socially active and receptive to conversation.
On Dating Apps, We All Become Commodities
To zoom out a bit, there’s a reason people are so miserable in today’s romantic marketplace—why we see so much flaking, ghosting, and dissatisfaction. It’s because we treat each other like commodities: like products, not people. Products can be easily discarded. If my lawn mower doesn’t work I’m just going to buy a new one. But to treat people this way is inhumane by definition. It is to forget their humanity. And regardless of whether or not someone is a good match—even if they’re fat and ugly, even if they have no personality—they’re still a human being who deserves some basic modicum of dignity and respect.
When Luke was plunging through the mechanical canyons of the Death Star, despite all the sci-fi technology of war, he was caught in a trial of good vs. evil, a story as old as time. He didn’t need the goddamn computer—he needed the trilogy of heart, mind, and purpose that culminated in the final coup de grace, saving billions from having their planets annihilated by tyrants.
Not sure our journey in romance is quite as intense as that…although, when we get it right, it certainly can be. Crash Davis is right: quantum physics have no place when it comes to matters of the heart.
Namaste my little love birds!
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Funny enough, I had a recent experience with the real life market of lemons with used cars. I needed to sell a car, so, not wanting to deal with the hassle, I took it to CarMax. The offer was absurd—a measly $2,000. So instead of selling it to them, I put ads up on various market platforms and sold the car for $6,500. Know your value!
This is why the best looking men on dating apps are fuckbois—they have an endless supply of women who want to date them, but if they’re truly high quality dudes, those women still don’t clear the long term relationship bar. This is also why, in any large city, you’ll find “Are we dating the same guy?” communities on Facebook.
I should mention that the same is true in reverse: it’s impossible for a man to judge a woman’s true value on dating apps as well. However, because women are the buyers in this case, a man may not even have the chance to choose a woman who appeared to have those traits, and even if he did, he would face the same conundrum women face described in the market of lemons section.
Dating apps can work, of course. This post is not disputing that. The thesis here is that there’s a better way for those brave and skilled enough to seek it out.
If you don’t think this is a thing, observe the fact that a huge number of women will NOT post pictures of their boyfriends on IG, because as soon as they do so, they’ll lose 20% or more of their male followers. The need for validation is very real, and very powerful.
This is a really interesting post. You're definitely an outlier in deleting the dating apps. I'm wondering if there is some age factor in this. If the women you're interested in are younger, they might have more distractions/other options than a woman in her fifties. Either way, I'm interested in hearing how this journey goes for you.