Doing the Smart Thing is also the Right Thing
There’s a great book called The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene that EVERYONE should read or listen to as an audiobook.1 It’s all about strategies we can employ to be more successful in life, whether at work, in our relationships, learning a new skill, or striving to accomplish our goals.
Unfortunately, some people think it’s a red flag if you see someone reading this book, because it’s “manipulative.” It’s funny because my therapist recently had a kind of muted negative reaction when I mentioned I enjoyed How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, and in reflection I assume it was for this same reason. There’s a segment of (dumb) people who’ve decided that learning social skills is somehow dishonest or manipulative, which, in a world rife with social anxiety, is the last type of attitude we need to cultivate.
If you actually read the book, you’ll find that Greene doesn’t argue we should manipulate people.2 He argues we should be smart and understand how to act and communicate effectively—the 48 Laws are lessons on how to do this, with stories about historical figures to serve as examples of each strategy in action. The same is true of Carnegie. His book is all about how to build relationships with people, especially those in professional settings or who don’t already know us well. Nothing nefarious about it at all. Indeed, one observation you’ll make while reading it is that people back in the day were way nicer too each other in general, and seemed to help each other out a lot more often than people today. Let’s bring that back! Sans the racism and misogyny of course.3
Quick thought experiment: if I teach a coaching client how to text with a women to set up a date, and then how to present the best version of himself on that date, is that manipulation? If so, then teaching anyone to do anything more effectively is manipulation, right, and we should throw every teacher and professor in jail immediately, along with all their students. A person who learns how to do highly advanced math in order to get a job at NASA isn’t manipulating NASA because she didn’t always know how to do highly advanced math. She became a higher value candidate for the job through learning and hard work. We should encourage people to get better and learn new skills, right?
The great irony here, is that the person who suggests we’re being manipulative…is attempting to manipulate us by suggesting that doing what’s smart and in our own best interest, isn’t “right.” However, if we examine what they say is the “right” thing to do, it’s almost always what’s in their best interest. Now, if those interests happen to align with our own, by all means: we should win and help win, as Balaji suggests. But if they don’t, you’re under no obligation to take the “L” because it helps someone else, especially if it comes as a cost to yourself—in fact, that would be really, really stupid, and one would find it hard to get through life if they capitulated to this demand, even if only occasionally.
Consider applying and interviewing for a job. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the “best” or most worthy candidate—that’s for the company to figure out. Our goal is to present ourselves in such a way that they believe we are the best candidate. And we do so by being smart, not “right.” For example, anyone applying or interviewing for a job shouldn’t volunteer information that can be used against them. “Have you used drugs?” The answer is “no” or a “little in college” even if you plan on taking bong rips immediately after the interview. Being honest is good and virtuous, but no one pays you to be honest. They pay you to be smart. And telling a potential employer that you’re stoned on a daily basis shows incredibly poor judgment—why in the world would they want to hire someone who did that?
A: They would not.
Luckily, doing the smart thing is almost always also the right thing to do. For instance, the simplest reason people date is that they want a sexual relationship with another person, provided there is attraction and connection. However, if immediately upon meeting, the man were to say this explicitly, it would be a huge turnoff, and if the women were to say this explicitly, the man would wonder if there was something wrong with her or if it was some kind of trick. If the former, no sex is had, the woman being sufficiently disgusted by his brutish antics; if the latter, maybe they do have sex ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, but the man is going to forever wonder why she didn’t get to know him a bit first, like 99.9% of other women would have done. He also might wonder how many other men she’s done this with, because the chances he’s the most special and lucky boy in the world is a lot lower than the chances this ain’t her first rodeo. As a consequence, he might be less apt to enter into a relationship.4 So instead, they are both smart, don’t say the quiet part out loud, and if they’re lucky, sexy times and a fun relationship lie ahead.
Since we’re on the topic, this is also true on Dating Apps or Social Media: we want to put our most attractive photos and information on our profiles—not everything, and certainly not anything negative. People who don’t know us intimately don’t need to know us intimately.
Note: I’m not suggesting people shouldn’t be their authentic selves. Be who you are—embrace your true nature. And if you want to get weird, get weird, but recognize that the difference between children and adults is that adults understand social conventions, whereas children do not. Being totally unbridled and free wheeling 24/7 isn’t authentic—it’s immature. We can be our authentic selves, while still maintaining enough discipline to decide to make the smart choice, rather taking the path of least resistance.
Doing what’s smart allows us to become more productive and successful, and that allows us to help everyone in our lives. I’m a bit skeptical of the whole “effective altruism” movement given the number of shady characters involved, but the idea at its core is a good one: the more money and resources we have, the more money and resources we can leverage to solve problems, whether it’s people in our lives, or social ills like homelessness or child poverty. By strategically navigating life for ourselves, we actually make things better for everyone.
Last, doing what is smart isn’t evil. Let’s say it in reverse because this is critical: doing something evil isn’t smart. We may gain materially or in some other way from lying, or taking advantage of someone else who is vulnerable, but there will always be downstream consequences. It’s mean—bad for the soul—and it’s going to bite you in the ass, whether the other party seeks retaliation, you commit a crime and are fined or jailed, or because Karma shows up and FUCKS you for being a jerk.
This doesn’t include zero sum scenarios, like winning a job over other candidates, or winning in sports. In some games, there can only be winners and losers, and if you find yourself in such a game, you should try to win, using whatever leverage you can within the rules. And if you lose, don’t take it too hard—learn what you can about why you lost, and come back stronger, smarter, and better prepared the next time. Also accept that sometimes there’s nothing you can do to win, and that’s just how it goes. I will ask out some number of women who will reject me. I will not close every prospective business client. That’s OK. Just a part of life—think the Rolling Stones wrote a song about that one time.
However, in the rest of life, doing what’s smart is infinite sum—it creates value. It makes you better, it gives you the ability to help other people, and if we all do smart things more often, the world becomes a brighter and more wondrous place.
Namaste friends.
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Although it’s always nice to have a physical copy to reference with book like this.
It’s rather depressing how often people criticize books, articles, and/or podcasts they haven’t even read/heard.
There’s none of this stuff in the book—I just mean that when it was written, back in the 1930s, U.S. society was not a particularly good place for people of color or women.
I should point out here: I don’t mean a one-night stand. If you have a wonderful date with another person and it ends with sex, that’s great! And it can lead to a fantastic relationship. The hypothetical in question is if the man or woman were to say, “let’s have sex” as soon as they met.