How to Use Dating Apps Effectively

Plus a few tips on texting and setting up the date.

For better or worse—I’d argue mostly for worse—the vast majority of dates and relationships happen as a result of dating apps. This has greatly increased the options we have in terms of finding suitable romantic partners, and that is both good and bad:

• Good: lots of options and extremely convenient.

• Bad: creates a marketplace that significantly advantages those who are highly attractive, and makes someone’s physical appearance 95% of what prompts our decision to match or not. There are other negative externalities involved with dating apps, but I’ll leave that for another time.

In any case, it is what it is, and I don’t anticipate we’ll go back to pure IRL dating anytime soon, so we may as well learn how to use the apps as effectively as possible. So let’s get into it!

Photos: Present Your Most Physically Attractive Self and the Best Version of Your Lifestyle

The pictures or videos you choose to include in your profile should be highly curated to show that you are attractive and fun.

Photos to include

• At least one if not more should show your entire body and face, from head to toe. When someone doesn’t include such a photo, we all make a snap judgment: this person is fat and/or unhealthy. Also, don’t use filters or AI to change your appearance—remember, the goal isn’t to get lots of matches, it’s to meet someone IRL. So they’re going to see what you really look like eventually, and if you’ve significantly altered your appearance, they’re going to feel like they got catfished.

• Several should show you doing fun things, for example: paddle-boarding, skiing or snowboarding, traveling, at the beach, on a hike, dressed up for an event like a wedding or formal occasion, enjoying a delicious meal, our for Halloween or at a costume party, attending a concert or sporting event, etc.

• If you’re in good enough shape to be shirtless for men, or in a bikini or swimsuit for women, then do it. If not, don’t. Note: women say they don’t like shirtless photos, but when they did an analysis of dating apps on how women matched, it turns out they do—so if you’ve got abs brother, no reason to hold back!

• Most people, except psychos, love animals, so if you have a dog or cat, or even if you don’t, but you know someone who does, post a photo showing you with an animal.¹

Photos to Avoid

On the flipside, avoid posting the following types of photos:

• For men: don’t post of photo of you with a fish or dead animal—women don’t like this, and if you do hunt or fish (I DO!), that can come up when you get to know each other better. For the ladies, go right ahead, just know it’s going to appeal mostly to men who are super into these hobbies, so you’re selecting for a type if you do.

• Don’t include photos without you in them—no one cares about the pretty photo you took of the mountains, or the meal you ate at a fancy restaurant. In the future, have whoever you’re with take a photo of you with mountains in the background, or in front of said fancy restaurant.

• Selfies, especially mirror selfies. NEVER EVER EVER for men. NO. For women, it’s meh—if you’re super hot it’s probably fine, but a selfie implies that you don’t have other, better photos, and also that you may not have a lot of friends—one principle of online dating is that people use photos to extrapolate what kind of person you are, and as such, are highly judgmental. Those judgments might be 100% wrong, but that doesn’t matter if they choose not to match with you.

• You with your ex, or even really anyone of the opposite sex, unless it’s like a group photo. People don’t know it’s your brother or sister or best friend—they’ll think it’s a previous romantic partner and move along.

• Anything with children. I love kids! Got a nine year old boy myself. However, nothing kills sexy time like children, and it has the same effect on the apps. Not saying you shouldn’t tell the person you have kids eventually, but that’s something you can cover when you text or on the first date. Your dating profile should be about you, not anyone else.

• Anything showing political affiliation, unless that is VERY important to you. This may sound crazy to some, but it’s OK not to agree on politics with other people, and that includes the people you date.

• Drug use. It’s fine to post a photo of you with a drink in hand, but even if you do use drugs, it shows poor judgment to include that in a dating profile.

Last tip here for men: make a point to take photos. Women are really good at taking photos when they do fun things, and they seem to intuitively know how to take good ones, but we’re not and don’t—I know I forget all the time. Also, consider getting professional photos if your friends aren’t good at taking photos. Some women might see this as try-hard, but if you have to choose between that and not having good photos, it’s better to have good photos.

If y’all have other do/don’ts for photos or other suggestions, please drop them in the comments—I’ll make the comments on this one available to everyone, so no need for a subscription.

Profile Description

Whatever you write in your profile should match your photos: a good profile is fun, flirtatious, and light-hearted. Talk about your hobbies, passions, experiences, and other unique qualities—this is your chance to show the other person who you are aside from your appearance!

Guidelines for Your Bio

• Emojis are fine, but don’t overdo it.

• Include some kind of activity that would make a good first date—like wine tasting, mini-golf, being a foodie, or an appreciation for sports, arts, music, and/or culture. If you’re a movie buff or super into a series, that’s cool as well, but don’t suggest this for a first date, and if the other person does, suggest something else. Movies make terrible first dates.

• Talk about something that invites a question—Hinge’s two truths and a lie prompt is brilliant in this regard. But if you traveled somewhere truly exotic, did an uncommon job, appeared in a film, or competed as an athlete, that’s some interesting shit that sets you apart from others!

• Avoid listing non-negotiables or making strident demands—ladies, I’m mainly looking at you here. A super common thing men see on female profiles is: looking for something serious and/or long term. Fine if you are, but that’s a huge burden to put on someone you literally don’t know. It would be like a man posting: just tryin to fuck. Imagine how off-putting that would be. Not only that, it’s also unnecessary: men assume that most women are looking for a relationship, not just sex, so there’s no need to advertise this. The only thing it accomplishes is to weed out high value men, because what they read is: damaged woman who’s had a lot of short, sexual relationships with Chads. Harsh, and again, maybe not true, but trust me, I’ve worked with enough men to know that’s how they see it. As for the non-negotiables, if you feel SUPER STRONG about them, OK, but it comes across as combative and demanding, and it’s also something you can find out when texting or on the first date.

Matching, Texting, and Setting up the Date

This is a bit of a paradox, because on the one hand, we need to be reasonable—matching with people in the big leagues when we’re solidly in the minors isn’t going to work. On the other hand, we should match and/or swipe on people we’re genuinely excited to meet, whether because of their photos or profile. Try to find a balance between the two, so that you’re playing the game on roughly the same level, but genuinely attracted to the person so that if you did go on a date, it would be something to look forward to.

Because it’s easier for women to match than men (last I checked there’s something like a 3:1 ratio of men to women on most apps, on top of the fact that women are more selective than men), guys need to play the numbers game—you should be actively swiping/matching with hundreds of women a week. Why? Because most of them won’t match with you unless you’re highly attractive, and sometimes not even then. Furthermore, women tend to flake more than men, so men need to create more opportunities for themselves to be successful.²

Communication Strategies

Once you match, men should generally initiate the conversation. Like, Bumble had to change their rule that women had to make the first move because it was such an abysmal failure. This isn’t good or bad, it just is: as a general rule, men pursue and women are pursued. Indeed, part of what makes women attracted to a man is when he’s making moves and showing interest—that her beauty motivates you to act.

That said my guys, don’t double text, wait for her to respond, and if she goes silent, leave her alone for at least a few days, if not a week or two. It probably means she’s not interested. After some time you can go for the Hail Mary—this was actually how I got my ex to finally come out after she stopped texting me back—but I also know it only works like 2% of the time.

Also, since I’m on the topic, MEN: be RESPECTFUL if she turns you down, flakes, or ghosts.³ Mirror her communication. If she stops texting, you stop texting. If she ghosts, say nothing. And if she says, hey, don't think we’re a fit, tell her thank you for letting you know, and wish her the best. Same is true of course for women, but it’s notably men who send walls of whiny texts when things don’t work, which is a low-value, pointless thing to do. Be classy, always.

I don’t think we need to get into a long examination of what/how to text, but keep it in line with the person you’ve presented in your profile (which is hopefully authentic): fun, light, flirtatious. Also, leave some time between replies. Texting too much and too soon shows an overeagerness that can be perceived as desperation.

Moving Toward the First Date

Question class: what is the point of texting on a dating app? Anyone? The answer is to set up a date. After a few texts, ask to exchange phone numbers, then after a few more texts, pitch the date with a time and place.⁴ Again, like initiating the conversation, this is the man’s job. Totally fine for the ladies to take the lead—nothing wrong with that—but I say this because a lot of guys will text and text and text and text and never actually propose a date. NO! You’re not BFFs—you’re trying to see if this person is a suitable romantic partner, and the only way you can know that is to meet in person.

Last point here: once you’ve matched, texted, and set up the date, text them between 1-3 hours before the date with something fun, like: “looking forward to getting sushi tonight!” This should typically be the man here as well, although it works either way. It sets a fun vibe, but more importantly, it allows you to confirm the date. If he/she’s not coming out, this prompts them to tell you, and that way you don’t end up wasting your time getting ready and going to the venue only to be stood up.

Namaste friends, and good luck out there!

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1. As the old saying goes, beware those who don’t like kids, dogs, or old people. I’ve found this to be true.

2. Not saying men don’t flake, and this isn’t a judgment: women have more reasons to be flaky than men, especially because a lot of men can get weird or put out creepy vibes. It’s also just true, and men ought to be prepared for this fact and accept it.

3. Flaking and ghosting is bad behavior for either sex, but unfortunately it appears to be here to stay. The best advice I can give is to not take it personally, because a lot of times it isn’t. Maybe they didn’t feel well, or are socially anxious, or had a family emergency. Who knows? But flaking and ghosting happens to almost everyone on a long enough time line, even incredibly successful and attractive people. So take it with a grain of salt and don’t get discouraged!

4. If the person balks at this and wants to stay on the app, it’s a sign they’re either not that interested, or the type of person who’s a pain in the ass, so proceed with caution. It might be fine—I’m not saying not to continue setting up the date, but it’s not a good sign.