Winning the Battle Against Social Anxiety

Why so many people experience it, and what we can do if we want to Get Better!

Human beings are social animals. We evolved and survived in groups—one can see this demonstrated in the fact that nearly every species of primate and ape, our closest kin in the animal kingdom, form everything from small groups to massive communities to survive today. This is especially true with bonobos and chimpanzees, species biologists identify as our closest relatives.

We need each other: whether it’s working together to achieve a common goal, banding in force to expel or repel our enemies, taking turns at caring and providing for our offspring, or simply enjoying the communion and joy that we feel when sharing a meal, making a journey, and entertaining or being entertained.

However, the technology and societies we’ve built by working together now enables us to live entirely as individuals, if we so choose. It’s even possible to work or go to school alone, whereas in prior eras, this medium of social connection was basically guaranteed. Furthermore, our capitalist economy and independent social values emphasize the importance and value of the individual over the community. Karl Marx may have been wrong about communism as an economic system, but he wasn't wrong in his critiques of capitalism, nearly every one of which has come to pass.¹

The irony here is rich, if not also tragic: more people now identify themselves as being lonely, and report having fewer friends, on average, than at any other time in measured human history. And it’s having terrible consequences. Depression and anxiety are common, as are deaths of despair, often involving addiction—because if you’re alone or depressed or anxious, the easiest way to quiet our deep human need for connection and meaning is to drown ourselves in alcohol or opiates.

The Good News: It Doesn't Have to be this Way!

We have a lot working in our favor, however, if we choose to make use of our resources. The internet and social media have noted drawbacks, but they also allow us to connect with literally anyone else on the planet with access to a smartphone or computer. It’s easy to find people with shared interests and interact with them, however, wherever, and whenever we want.

We also don’t lack for humans—there are a lot of people we can connect with in our communities. Even in a small town, where there are only 9,000 people...there are like, 9,000 people. That’s a lot! And in bigger metro areas there are hundreds of thousands, even millions, we can access and interact with quite easily.

Unfortunately, all this opportunity isn’t translating for a lot of people because of social anxiety—the feeling that other people aren’t safe, or will judge us, or expect us to perform, or just the feeling of nervousness that anyone might feel when interacting with people who aren’t their close friends of family members.

So let’s take a look first, at why people today are experiencing such high levels and prevalence of social anxiety, and second, what they can do about it:

Social Skills Require Practice

Social anxiety primarily results from a lack of experience. If we’re constantly staring at our phones or playing video games, we’re not present with the other people in our physical space. There are two problems with this:

1. Part of the reason a person feels socially anxious in this situation is because deep down they know it’s bad behavior, and anxiety is the result. Not paying attention to others in our physical space is anti-social and vulnerable, which for most of human history, was extremely dangerous. To not be aware of one’s surroundings when a predator or neighboring tribe could ambush us is dangerous for obvious reasons, and not interacting with or helping the others in our tribe would have led them to believe we are less valuable members with little utility—expendable should push come to shove.

2. We’re not practicing being social. Like anything related to human nature, socializing and interacting with others is both innate, and a skill we must learn and develop. If we don’t practice being social, the ability to do so will gradually atrophy, and then disappear entirely.

Observe that most children are highly social beings, readily talking with each other and interacting through play. However, like all people, children can at times be mean to each other, so as soon as we get handed that screen, whether smartphones, a tablet, video games, or YouTube, we can escape that potential conflict by collapsing into our own minds and interests. We can be alone, and yet entertained. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this in small doses, but when it comes to dominate our existence, the social skills we built as kids shrivels, and we start developing social anxiety. We might even be tempted to seek spaces where we’re alone so that we don’t feel the anxiety attendant to #1 above when sharing space with others.

And that’s bad. Because even if we feel satisfied with whatever we’re doing on our screens in the moment, the need for human connection doesn’t go away, and it never will, because it’s human nature to need communion and relationships with others. We need friends, lovers, family, colleagues and co-workers to feel whole. Indeed, when I see someone with a T-Shirt reading, "Dogs > People" or advertising on social media that "other people suck", I feel pity for that person, because it means they’re desperately lonely and ill-adjusted.

So what to do?

Get the FUCK off Your FUCKING Phone

I thought about writing an entire post on this, but I’ll spare you a longer version of my sanctimony.

Put your phone away when you’re with other people. I’m not saying you can’t check it occasionally, or text someone back when you’re with others, but if you’re on your phone for extended periods of time when you’re in a social setting, understand that it’s precisely this behavior that is causing you to feel social anxiety. Because you’re not being present with those around you and not practicing being social. That doesn’t mean you have to do all the talking, or even hardly any—just listening to others is a great way to practice being social, because you learn what other people are doing, what their interests are, and how they interact when in groups. Active listening gives us a model of what we could talk about and how to talk about it.

A few tips here:

• Turn off notifications. Notifications are meant to addict you to your phone—that is literally the point. And you don’t need them. If you want to see if someone texted you, or liked your post or story on social media, go ahead and check. But you don’t need the phone to tell you to do that. Who’s in charge: you or the phone? Hate to break it to you, but if you have notifications turned on, it’s not you.²

• Delete apps that cause compulsive behavior. If you’re spending hours upon hours on Tik-Tok, delete it. Don't give yourself the option. And even if you delete it, then re-upload, then delete, then re-upload, it will by itself take more time to get back in, log into your account, etc.

• Turn off the phone, put it away, or leave it at home or in the car. Create experiences where it’s not possible or convenient to access your phone. Doing some off-grid camping is a great way to do this, because if you have no service, the phone becomes an after thought and allows you to focus on being present in your circumstances.

• Get a flip phone. People like to shit on Gen-Z and Gen-Alpha for their phone addictions and lack of social skills, but many of them are doing something the Boomers, Gen Xers, and Millennials are not—they’re getting flip phones. I love this! After all, we don’t need a smartphone to communicate via calling or texting, and if we need to access the internet we can simply hop on a computer.

Deliberately Practice Socializing with Others

There are a bunch of ways to do this. To begin with, when you’re out for a walk or in a public space, instead of walking along with your face buried in a screen (which is at best annoying for others, and at worst, dangerous—people have died crossing the street because they were so occupied with their phone they didn’t see the car coming), put the phone in your pocket and observe other people. Say "hi" if you feel like it, or "good morning, afternoon, or evening", or give someone a compliment: "I love your shoes!" No one is going to react negatively to these basic courtesy statements—the worst they’ll do is not respond, because they have social anxiety.

When you’re with family, friends, or at a party, practice a few stories to tell, or talk about books you’ve read, podcasts you’re listening to, music you like, shows or movies you’re watching, or whatever you’ve been up to recently. A common fear of the socially anxious is that people will judge them or be mean, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most people will happily listen to what you have to say—remember, most people are good and want to do and be good. And part of being good is being courteous in social settings. Even in the highly unlikely event that someone is rude, you now know to avoid that person. And other people will see that—they’ll recognize that person is the asshole, not you. Frankly, if I’m in a social setting and someone is being rude to another person, I'll call them out for it—to me it’s totally unacceptable to be anything other than kind to others who are contributing to the conversation.

Raise your hand when the teacher asks a question or offer your thoughts during your work meetings—people in these settings want participation more than anything else. We want to hear your ideas and opinions. Like, after all, isn’t that the point of having a class discussion or a meeting in the first place?

Practice, practice, practice, and soon enough, you’ll find that it’s not so scary to be in social settings or talk to others—indeed, after enough practice, you’ll grow to enjoy and look forward these opportunities.

Read and/or Listen to Podcasts

The better we understand how people think and talk, the easier it is to express our own thoughts and ideas. When we read or listen to podcasts, we’re getting examples of how other people think and use language. And typically, those who write or podcast are excellent communicators. There’s a reason they’ve chosen these mediums as professions or hobbies: because they’re good at it.

Through a book, blog, or news article, we get to inhabit another person’s mind and see how they think and express those thoughts—and if its good fiction or journalism, we should also get a heavy dose of dialogue.

Podcasts are typically live conversations with two or more people. By listening to how they interact, we learn how to interact—how to ask questions, how to tell stories, how to make arguments, how to agree or disagree (hopefully respectfully). This is pure gold for anyone who’s socially anxious!

Take Action, Don't Hide: Social Anxiety isn’t an Unsolvable Problem

If you’re socially anxious, or know someone who is, take corrective action to fix the problem, rather than hiding—or allowing others to hide—by using it as an excuse or crutch. Social anxiety isn’t an incurable disease or inescapable disability. Socializing is something anyone can and should want to improve.

People who are good at communicating, and who possess strong social skills, have a significant advantage in life: at work, with friends, in romantic relationships, etc. That’s going to be ever more true with the rise of AI. Because while AI can and will replace a lot of jobs, it will never be able to replace genuine human interaction. Any job that requires building relationships and interacting with others won’t be replaced anytime soon. As a salesperson, I take great solace in this fact.

I’ll follow this up with some more specific advice and examples on conversation in the future, but I’ll leave it here for now. As always, thanks for reading!

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You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

1. A) Our labor is exploited by the rich—how else can one explain our massive wealth inequality, or the fact that the average American CEO makes around 290x what their average employee is paid for their efforts.

(B) Many workers are alienated from the products and services we produce through the division of labor, and from each other.

(C) Classes of workers are pitted against each other to drive down wages and prevent them from realizing their common cause.

(D) We experience regular economic crises—booms and busts—brought on by the mismanagement or manipulation of the economy by the very wealthy and politicians.

2. I do understand if you have notifications on for work—like Outlook or Teams—or if you’re actively waiting to hear from someone via text. But unless the need is necessary or urgent, notifications aren’t helpful.