Let's Get Better!
Remembering that life is good, and how to avoid the pitfalls of cowardice, complacency, and cynicism.
A couple weeks ago I went to one of my best friend’s kid’s birthday party with my son. An all-American affair. Kids bowled, ate pizza, had cupcakes, played video games and laser tag. Dads and moms caught up, bragged about their kids, and avoided talking politics...it was great!
We often forget that most people are good and want to do good things. We love to eat and drink with friends and family. Go swimming, stay up to watch the stars. Dress up for special occasions—whether it be prom or Halloween or the company Christmas party. We’re always saying: “we should spend more time together,” “hang out more often,” “plan a trip,” etc.
Most people are good and want to do good things. We love being together. People say, “go touch grass,” but what they really mean is: make some friends. Find a lover. Call your mom. Make connections in your local community. Nature is amazing, but what humans truly thrive on is togetherness and shared experience.
Moreover, the world we live in is better than it ever has been. No doubt there are still plenty of problems we need to take seriously, but the level of comfort, safety, abundance, and entertainment most of us are lucky enough to experience is unparalleled by previous generations. It’s crazy to think that today, someone who makes $40K a year, barely scraping by above the poverty line, lives a far easier, more well-traveled, abundant, experience-rich life than most wealthy aristocrats and royalty in human history. We’re also far safer and more well cared for, collectively, than at any other time in human existence. Life is actually pretty great!
So where's the disconnect? Why don't we feel this?
A big reason is the introduction of smartphones and social media into our lives—we’re constantly inundated with all the information and misinformation we can consume, most of it scary or depressing. At the same time, we’re continually exposed to the worst people in society because the algorithms know that what keeps us scrolling is being angry, shocked, or aroused.
The root of our problems lies in three distinct attitudes that have come to dominate our discourse—and as a consequence, our behaviors:
Complacence
Cowardice
Cynicism
For many people, these coping mechanisms have crowded out any real aspirational virtue. They’re signals we’ve given up—on ourselves, our communities, our country. They’re characteristics of someone who’s too lazy, scared, or craven to believe in getting better.
And somewhere deep down, we know we shouldn’t behave this way. Take the basic plot of most any action movie: There are good guys and bad guys, and we hope the good guys win, either because they want to make things better or prevent really bad things from happening. And always, in a miraculous turn of events and reality-defying luck (like not getting shot by a machine gun fired at you from 10 feet away), they do it—the good guys win! Disaster averted and the game continues. Good! It’s why we like action movies, why they continue to be the most popular genre and score big at the box office.
Consider, however, that at no point did our hero/heroine question the importance of their mission. They didn’t consider other people’s cynical views about political matters, or their complacency to accept the status quo, and they’re almost always acting on behalf of people who are too scared to get involved, or don’t know something terrible is about to happen.
Why? Because they believe in their purpose. They believe in getting better. They believe that life is good and worth fighting for.
And trust me: we can all get better! Whether it’s improving an aspect of our personal lives, being more active with our families, friends, or communities, or making our country a better place, we can do it! The only impediment is if we shoot ourselves in the foot by falling victim to the three calamitous C’s: cowardice, complacency, cynicism.
Cowardice
Are you too afraid to speak up or make changes in your life or work because you worry about the consequences? If so, remember, no one can save you but yourself. Moreover, the consequences you fear are probably way less impactful than you believe.
Take the potentially daunting prospect of asking for a raise...what’s the worst that could happen? They say no and hopefully provide some reasoning. You’re then equipped to either:
Improve your productivity and performance, or
Decide that you’re under-appreciated and start looking for a new job.
More broadly, when you’re experiencing anxiety or fear, it’s always good to remind yourself: people are typically far more concerned about themselves than they are about you. Because most people are generally good and want to be and do good, it’s super rare that they’re going to retaliate against you for speaking your mind or making positive changes. Even better, just like with the job scenario, by making the ask, at worst you have more information to consider than you did before, which is always a net positive.
Complacency
Complacency can be tricky because it comes from a place of neutrality and acceptance; in many ways this makes it worse than cowardice. “It is what it is” is a wise approach when change is truly not possible, but it’s a poisonous idea when it is.
Want to break free? Ask yourself a simple question: why? Why should a husband or wife be satisfied with a dead bedroom? Why should a student be satisfied with an educational system that is outdated or outrageously expensive? Why should we, collectively, be satisfied with politicians who care only about themselves, instead of doing their best to help ordinary Americans? Because it’s what we’re used to? Because it’s all there is?
Bullshit. None of the above conditions are stuck in place because there’s some law of the universe that says they have to be. They’re stuck because people don’t take action to get better. I often hear people in these situations—or people on their behalf—say they “deserve” better. Nonsense. No one deserves anything unless they're willing to take action. However, if we’re willing to do just that—start taking action—we can change the things in our lives that are “stuck.”
Cynicism
Cynicism is perhaps the trickiest of all. A quick reminder that the definition of cynicism is to be skeptical generally, with the underlying belief that everyone is selfish and cares only about themselves.
Again: bullshit. Do people mostly do things that benefit them as individuals? Of course—it’s called being alive. It’s impossible for us not to be mostly self-interested and self-directed. But that doesn’t mean people are always looking for an angle or playing 3-D chess to try to screw you or someone else over. Again, most people are good and want to do and be good.
Unless you truly believe almost everyone alive is a sociopath, being cynical is a foolish coping mechanism (also might also be a good time to look in the mirror and reflect on why you believe that). Indeed, numerous studies have found that cynics are less capable and perform worse than people who aren’t cynical. Cynicism is literally an evolutionary compensation for being ineffective.
This can be hard to accept if you’re scrolling through your phone constantly, being fed Chinese propaganda by TikTok, exposed to the worst people in the world on social media—many of whom are real, live sociopaths—or trolling through conspiracy theories propagated by famous people who’ve lost their minds.1 But trust me, as soon as you escape that digital hellscape, get outside the house, and interact with people in real life, you’ll find what I’ve been saying this entire time is true: most people are good, and they want to do good.
Breaking Free from Cynicism: The Dating Example
I encountered cynical attitudes a lot as a dating coach: “All women want to date Chads. All they care about is money and status.” And on the flipside: “Where are all the good men? Why don’t men care about who I am as a person?”2
It’s complicated because there’s a seed of truth in both: women are attracted to men who are themselves attractive, whether that’s because of their looks, status, and/or money. And while there are plenty of good men out there, it is true that men have to be attracted to a woman sexually to want to engage with her in a relationship.
But the people who complain about this stuff are typically looking for someone who’s bringing a lot more to the table than they are. If you’re an out-of-shape guy who spends most of his time playing video games and has poor social skills, your value doesn’t match that of a beautiful woman who takes care of herself, is feminine, dresses well, and has an active social life. Likewise, if you’re a woman who doesn’t want children, has masculine qualities, and doesn’t want to make her man’s life better through acts of service and care-taking, high-value men aren’t going to be interested, because there are lots of women out there who will do those things for them.
But as I would point out to my clients: these aren’t reasons to be cynical—they’re reasons to either meet someone who’s a better match, or to work on yourself so that you’re more attractive to the kind of person you’d like to be with.
Choose Positivity: Happiness is a Choice
Negativity is bad. We all know that, but our modern world and culture lead us into modes of negative thinking. Compounding the issue is the fact that human beings have evolved to have a negativity bias: we’re built to pay more attention to stuff that’s bad or potentially bad, because that kept us from getting eaten by predators or falling victim to any of the other myriad dangers throughout most of human history.
Unfortunately, it now blinds us to what I opened with, which is that the world is a pretty great place now, and there’s no good reason for any of us to be cynical, complacent, or cowardly. We should be elated about all the opportunities we have and the fact we have so many choices to shape the journey of our lives.
That’s what GetBetterSoon is all about: how to get better. How to make sense of the world and reframe our thoughts and actions in such a way as to make the most of our lives—whatever that might mean to you. We’ll talk about mental traps to avoid (like the above), how to make better decisions, how to focus our energy on the biggest levers of change, and so many other aspects of living a good life.
For those that are interested, there will also be a chance to partake in Get Better School: live courses designed to help people level up their lives, whether it’s one’s career, relationships, social skills, or finding your true purpose. More on that to come soon!
You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!
Elon Musk is a good example.
I should note that I didn’t coach women, but I’ve heard these things consistently from the single women I’ve known throughout my life.