What to do if You're Single
Five basic steps you can take to find the person you're looking for.
For those who didn’t know, I was a dating and relationship coach from 2019–2023. And, while I only worked with men, this gave me an incredible perspective on the dating and mating marketplace, as well as insights into what works for both men and women to enter into the kinds of romantic relationships they want to have with the opposite sex.1 This piggybacks, of course, on my own journey through the wilderness after getting divorced in late 2016, and having to figure out how to navigate the modern world of romance myself. I’m glad to have this knowledge as I now find myself single once again.2
What follows is practical, field-tested advice to help you find meaningful romantic connections if you’re single. While not the primary focus of GetBetterSoon (podcast versions of the posts are coming! I promise!), it will one of the topics I’ll write about from time to time as it’s certainly an area where a lot of people need help getting better—although I will probably split them out for each sex in the future so as to be more specific.
Note: none of what follows is me having a “hot take” or trying to stir up controversy. You may not like some of it, but this shit works. I know, because 70% of my coaching clients got into a relationship within six weeks of hiring me, and the other 25% got there in less than six months. To this day, I still talk with many of them on a weekly basis as we’ve become friends. So trust and believe, what follows isn’t meant to be offensive or mean spirited—it’s meant to help! Also, if you disagree—change my mind :)
1. Physical Fitness and Living a Healthy Lifestyle
(Note: if you're perfectly happy with the way you are, you can skip to the next section)3
If you want to have success with the opposite sex, the first thing to do is become the best version of yourself physically. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date at all while working toward this goal, because for some people who struggle with diet and exercise, that might mean you never get started or put yourself out there. However, picture your ideal mate—the man or woman you find highly sexually attractive: are they significantly overweight? Unhealthy? Do they have trouble climbing a flight of stairs? Do they eat a lot of fast food?
If we’re being honest, probably not. Do you want to be someone else’s ideal mate? Yes. We all want our partner to find us attractive and desirable, and poor physical fitness and/or an unhealthy lifestyle will prevent us from being that for them.
This is one of the places where female dating advice is absolutely awful. Women are told: “he should love you at any size. You’re perfect just how you are. You deserve a man who loves you no matter what, yasss queen!”
No.
Would you love a man no matter what, even if he was a pathetic loser who played video games all day and was unemployed? Do men deserve to have the sort of woman they desire regardless of their looks, fitness, social skills, job, etc? No, they don’t. The first thing I told my clients—again, all male—who were out of shape was: get your ass in the weight room and build muscle/lose weight. It’s the same thing I'm telling myself now: I’m too fat. I need to lose the belly and get fit before I’m going to attract the sort of women I desire.
Tough medicine, but it’s the truth. Not liking something doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And if you’re not willing to put in the work to become more desirable, then you don’t deserve anything—regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. Probably applies to many gay/queer relationships as well.
Beyond attracting potential partners, improving your fitness also boosts your confidence, energy, and overall mood—this will make you more attractive and make dating far more enjoyable. It will also increase your life and health span, and that’s perhaps the most important reason to take this seriously.
Now, I’m not a strength and fitness coach, but here are some basics—the rest you can surely look up or find influencers on social media to follow who can offer good advice:
Clean up your diet: Stop eating sugar and simple carbohydrates. Fruit is fine, but candy, chocolate, ice cream, soda, rice, bread, alcohol—that stuff has to go. Fine to have the occasional cheat, but these types of foods should not be in your regular diet.
Eat for health: Food is medicine. Focus on complex carbs, vegetables, lean meats or plant protein like tofu or tempeh, nuts, beans, legumes, and healthy fats.
Practice intermittent fasting: Fast for 12 hours. This isn’t that hard, actually—most of it can happen while you sleep. Just have breakfast the same hour you finished dinner the night before. Easy peasy. If you’re curious about the science on why this works, check out this Rich Roll podcast.
Strength train consistently: Lift weights 1-3 times a week, hitting all muscle groups. Here’s a great podcast to get the most out of your lifting. Be warned, it’s super broey, but Israetel describes the scientific way to maximize your time in the gym.4 Ladies, don’t worry, you won't get huge muscles like man would, because you don’t have enough testosterone to do that. They talk about this in the pod.
Incorporate cardio: Walk, run, bike, or do HIIT workouts 2-4 times a week, the longer the duration the better.
That’s it. If you want to get more on this, there’s another great podcast with Dr. Rhonda Patrick on all things diet, health, and fitness—I’ve listened to this one like three times now. Excellent stuff!
Last point, if you really struggle with fitness and diet, but want to do better, hire a coach. It’ll mean you’re putting skin in the game, and they will provide clear guidance, support, and accountability. Kobe Bryant had a personal coach. So did Roger Federer and Serena Williams. If you need help, don’t go it alone. Hire someone to help you.
2. Meet Your Match: Find Someone Who Fits
Seek mates who are bringing roughly equal value to what you are bringing to the relationship. The number one reason people are single is that they think deserve someone who has far more value than them in the sexual marketplace. There are two problems with this:
If you’re a man, you’re rarely, if ever, going to get a date with such a woman. And if you do, she’s not going to stick around unless your game is phenomenal.
If you’re a woman, you might get a date, but he’s not going to stick around—a man engages in a long term relationships and/or get married when he finds someone of roughly equal value.
Think about it this way: would you want to eat shitty ice cream from 7-11 if you could get premium, locally hand-made delectable ice cream for the same price and convenience? No, you would not. Dating apps have had this effect on the game of dating and mating—people can meet anyone within whatever radius they enter into their settings. This means an attractive woman has a ton of optionality on Hinge, and she’s not going to go on a date with a guy she finds only "meh" in terms of value. Men don’t have nearly as much optionality, but they do have optionality with women of lower value than themselves. Economics 101 tells us that what is more common is less valuable—this is the concept of scarcity, and it applies to dating as well.5
Let’s stop here to make something clear that a lot of people haven’t internalized or don’t want to admit: relationships are transactional. Romance and love are beautiful things, but they only happen when both people are getting what they want out of a relationship. Some people are more desirable than others. Let’s say two guys walk into a bar. One is Ryan Gosling, and the other is Wallace Shawn, and both men hit on the same woman. How many times is Wallace Shawn taking her home? Unless she’s super into very old men and a huge fan of the Princess Bride, 0% of the time. It’s inconceivable.
This isn’t good or bad—it is what it is: reality. There are plenty of people who aren’t very attractive who are incredibly happy with their partner, who is also not terrifically attractive. But because they have a similar level of value, it works—and then you get to the good stuff: the intangible connection that develops when you truly get to know and love someone. That connection strengthens the relationship tremendously. A person who is happy and in love with their partner is way less likely to stray, even if a super attractive man or woman was to make a pass at them. For example, I gained a lot of weight during my relationship with my ex, but she still loved me, even though I was objectively way less attractive—because she knew who I truly was. But people can only love you for who you truly are once they get to know who you truly are, and that doesn’t happen right away.
So we have to start at the beginning, which means finding a person who has a similar level of value. What do we value?
Looks: How pretty or handsome they are, their facial symmetry, eyes, jawline, cheekbones, etc.
Body: Their level of fitness, plus the obvious traits we are all aware of such as a man’s size, height, and muscularity, or a woman’s shapeliness and smallness in relation to the man.
Social skills: How a person carries themselves, speaks, and engages with others. Confidence and a sense of humor, as we know, are extremely sexy.
Intelligence: How well educated, adaptable, and quick thinking they are.
Physical intangibles: Body language, voice tonality, how a person uses their eyes, their smile, etc.
Skills and abilities: Anything the person can do that makes the other person’s life better—cooking is a good example.6
All of the above are valuable to both sexes—to what degree each matters depends on our individual preferences. Where men and women diverge is that women prefer men who “have their shit together.” That means he’s employed, making decent if not good money, mature, has his own apartment or house, and has a fun and interesting lifestyle. Men prefer women who are feminine: kind, sweet, loving, and playful.7 This may sound odd to women, but as long as we’re attracted to her and she’s bringing that beautiful feminine energy, we could care less whether she’s a hair stylist or the partner of a massive law firm.8 It’s great if she is successful and has a kick-ass career, but it’s not as important to men as it is to women. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
For short term mating, people are going to mostly focus on the person’s physical value, while for long term partnerships, the other factors become more important. Physical attractiveness, however, is always going to be important, which is why the first section was about fitness and health.
Understanding your value in the dating marketplace isn’t about being harsh on yourself or others—it’s being realistic about who you're likely to connect with meaningfully. When you find someone of similar value, you build something authentic that grows stronger over time. The foundation of mutual value creates the conditions where true love and deep connection can flourish.
3. Date Like It's Your Job
If you’re single and don’t want to be, you should be going on at least one date a week, minimum. Why? Because dating is a skill and it takes practice. Learning how to engage with a person on a date so as to build attraction is difficult. The more reps you get, the more comfortable you’ll be, and like any skill, if you don’t practice regularly, the flatter your learning curve. A person will get far more proficient at a skill if they practice it for seven days in a row than if they space those same seven days out over six months.
Also, you have to give yourself lots of options. Some people might be perfectly nice and of similar value, but just not a good fit for what you’re looking for. That can happen at any stage too, whether you find out they have a lifestyle that doesn’t match your own on the first date, or you reveal you don’t want kids on the fifth, but the other person does and it’s a non-negotiable for them. I dated heavily from 2018 to 2021 before I met my ex-girlfriend, not because many of the women I dated weren’t lovely people, but because either they didn’t want a long term relationship with me, or I didn’t want one with them. It takes time to find the right fit, so we need to give ourselves lots of opportunities to meet them.
To make this sustainable:
Budget for dating expenses—coffee dates are perfectly acceptable early on, or a drink or two after work. A walk is actually a great way to get to know someone as well. And I’ll add that a first date should only last an hour or two tops, unless you’re both on fire for each other right away—and maybe even then. There’s something to be said for leaving that pent up desire on the table. Also, whatever you choose to do, the man should plan the date and pay for it. Sorry not sorry.
Take breaks when needed—a week off to recharge is better than dating burnout.
Learn from each experience—keep a simple journal of what worked and what didn’t. Or at least internalize what happened. And focus on what you did, not the other person. Take control of what you can control, let the other stuff go.
Last point here: don’t flake on dates. Like, I get it if you have the flu or some valid reason not to go out, but if you make a commitment to meet someone, don’t cancel last minute if you can help it—and if you do, immediately offer another day that would work better. And if you’re flaking because you’re genuinely not interested, just tell them that or make an excuse like, “I’m not ready to date right now, sorry.”
Likewise, don’t ghost people—one of the shittiest things you can do to another person is to just disappear after a date, especially if you hooked up. It’s immature and shows a lack of character. And I get it, sometimes people don’t react well to being told you’re not interested in them, but if they send a mean text in response, just block their ass. By communicating you’re not interested, you’re learning about yourself too, because it forces you to think about why you’re not interested, and how you could meet someone more suitable in the future.
Apply the Golden Rule here: have you been flaked on or ghosted? Did you like it? My guess is no, so don’t inflict that pain on someone else.
4. Get Out and About
Go out and do fun, social things with your friends and family! Don’t rely exclusively on dating apps for your opportunities to meet people. I met my ex-girlfriend at Oktoberfest, and dated almost exclusively without using the apps from 2018–2021 before we met.9
Go out for St. Paddy’s Day and Fourth of July, attend local parades and festivals in nearby cities and towns, food and wine festivals, brewfests, Saturday Markets, farmer’s markets, concerts, sporting events, big EDM shows and music festivals, etc. Not only will you be more likely to meet people with similar interests, you’ll also be meeting them in person, where you can immediately sense whether there’s chemistry or not.
To address the elephant in the room, yes, this does mean you’re going to have to become comfortable talking to strangers you don’t know. Guys, it is YOUR JOB TO APPROACH. Not saying women can’t, or shouldn’t, but if you look at what women say they want, it’s for the man to initiate the conversation. Now, there are things women can do to make it more likely men will approach, such as: making eye contact, smiling, or standing nearby men she finds attractive, and I’ll address that in more detail in a post upcoming, because it deserves a full explanation.
Regardless, it’s imperative to learn social skills—this will increase your value in every single facet of life, especially the game of dating and mating. That is also something I will leave for another, longer post, but I’ll give you at least one easy lead right now: “Hey, having fun today?” Pause for response—if they say something to respond to, respond in kind. Either way, the next question is: “Where are you from?” If a person reacts negatively to those questions, or doesn’t bite, wish them a nice day and move on. Easy peasy.
Rejection always stings, but remember my dudes (and the bolder ladies out there): the result of you NOT talking to the girl is the same as if she rejects you. So don’t be a pussy and go talk to her!
5. Employ Your Social Circle: Help From Friends and Family
Ask your friends and family if there are any cute, single guys or gals at work they could set you up with. Your people want to help you, so let them!10
Also, look for opportunities when hanging out with your family and friends. Are there any cute guys at the campground you’re at? Any lovely ladies at the resort AirBnB your mom and dad rented out for the week? Riding up the chairlift with other people? Make an observation they’re likely to share (the snow is awesome today), ask how their day is going, and proceed from there. Here’s a super hack if you do ski or snowboard: ride up as a single. I recently took a skiing vacation in Montana and Idaho, and when I wasn’t skiing with my buddy or ex, I met a ton of nice people—and even if they’re not single or too old or young for you, it’s a great way to practice getting comfortable talking to people you don’t already know.
There’s a lot here to get you started if you’re single, so get going! The biggest mistake people make when undertaking any endeavor is that they don’t start right away. As I mentioned in a recent post about improving decision making, once you make a decision to do something, go all in. You’ll quickly discover what you need to adjust, improve, add, or subtract to your process in achieving your goals.
Namaste friends!
You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!
I mention this, because I don't feel like I'm qualified whatsoever to give advice about gay or queer relationships (please correct me if that is not that's not the right term). While some of what I say in this post will surely be of value to anyone, these kinds of relationships are simply not in my wheelhouse. If anyone knows of a good person to refer people to for gay/queer relationships, please let me know and I'll give them a shout out here! I've always been a big fan of Dan Savage, so that perhaps is at least a start.
First, everything is OK—I’m OK, she’s OK. We’ve actually remained good friends and continue to see each other on a non-romantic basis. My ex-girlfriend is the sweetest, most wonderful woman I’ve ever met in my life, and I’m very sad to have lost her. She’s beautiful, smart, compassionate, has a great sense of humor, and is a blessing to anyone who has the luck to have her in their lives.
No one should be anyone other than their true self. And life is about tradeoffs. It takes a lot of hard work and discipline in this society to be super fit. We are surrounded by delicious food, and encouraged to indulge with the myriad advertisements we see on social media, television, steaming services, and elsewhere. Being skinny doesn’t make someone a good person, nor does being overweight make someone a bad person. I make no judgments, and as mentioned, I’m currently quite overweight myself. So if fitness and eating healthy aren’t particularly important to you, that’s OK! You can still find someone who will love you just the way you are, so long as you follow the advice in section two.
Since I list two of his podcasts here, I’ll note that I’ve largely stopped listening to Chris Williamson because he’s gotten super weird and political. The podcasts I hyperlink to are not that, and I DO NOT agree with his political opinions. However, we need to accept that A) it’s OK for people to have opinions other than are own, and B) people we disagree with can nevertheless say things that are true and worth listening to.
This isn’t your value as a human being. On that count we’re all invaluable, unique, and wonderful in our own ways. It’s value in terms of your attractiveness to the opposite sex.
The fact I can cook well has been a tremendous asset to me in dating and relationships. It’s something everyone should learn how to do well, not just for other people, but for yourself!
I’ve had women ask me what being feminine means—this is a dumb question. Open your eyes and observe reality. It is somewhat je ne sais quoi to put your finger on (although I do list some qualities that most people would identify as being feminine), but it’s a thing, and men like it.
Note: these are generalizations. The beautiful thing about humanity is that we so diverse and every individual is unique. Some men or women may prefer someone outside these generalizations—and that’s great! You do you!
There was a brief time during COVID when meeting people was basically impossible without using them, so one does what one has to.
If not, find new people.