Never Tell Anyone Anything They Don't Need to Know

If it won't help them, and it won't help you, silence is golden.

My first job after teaching was at an EAP (employee assistance program), supporting the account management team. The pay was shitty, but I needed experience, and it was a great environment—everyone was super friendly, positive, helpful, and willing to teach me the business. Shortly after I started, they had to let go of the person doing small group sales, because it wasn’t a good fit for either her or the company. Suddenly, I found myself thrust into this role, while continuing to do my job assisting the account managers.

I loved it. Sales comes naturally to me: I love people, I’m good at explaining how things work and answering questions, understanding the pain points and needs of the client, and rejection doesn’t bother me: through my previous jobs as a server, bartender, and high school English teacher, I’ve developed a pretty thick skin—not to mention the rejection I faced while being single and relying exclusively on meeting women in person to get dates.¹ Online dating mostly masks this aspect of the romantic marketplace, but when asking women out in-person, you get the full frontal experience.

Anyway, pretty soon I started making sales. One the first month, then two the next, then three, then three, then two, then four, then five, then seven. At 10% commission with each sale, I started making some decent money, supplementing my poor base pay.

Then all the sudden they pulled the rug out from under me. I got promoted to an account manager because I’d sold so many new contracts, and while they did increase my salary by $6K, I would no longer earn commission because they were hiring a new guy for the sales role. The net result was that I would be losing out on $25K per year, even with the raise.

I was furious. My parents and ex heard way more about it than I’m sure they cared to, but I had a right to be mad—I was crushing it, and not only did they take that away from me, they were also significantly cutting my compensation and trying to mask it with a meaningless “promotion.” One tip here for any managers or business owners out there: don’t fuck with someone’s money. It’s never going to go over well.²

Now, I knew that expressing my anger would do no good, but I did want to have a civil, professional conversation with my bosses, the VPs of Sales and Account Management, to point out to them that this promotion was going to mean taking a huge pay cut. They agreed, we talked, and guess what happened? Nothing. They told me you can’t count on commission (a BOLD lie to tell a salesperson), and dismissed the 25K pay cut. I was told I’d get a 5% raise each year if I did well. YAY!

So, even though my bosses were really smart, really good people who liked me and valued my skills, pointing out that this was a negative outcome for me had no effect. It goes to show that you can be 100% right—you can even be right about what is best for you personally and the company—and still have people do something unbelievably stupid.

That conversation made clear to me that I needed to get out of there ASAP—which I did in less that two months with a new job where I recouped that 25K. However, in retrospect, I now realize I was the dummy for bringing it up. Why?

Because they now knew I was unhappy—I told them so—and if the company’s pay wasn’t so miserable and there were other qualified people willing to take the job, they could’ve fired me as soon as they found a replacement. Plus, no one likes to feel dumb, or be confronted for having wronged someone else—even if they did wrong someone, and what they did was dumb.

Omission is Not a Sin: Don’t Spill the Beans for No Reason

Never tell anyone anything they don’t need to know. I’m tempted to write '“unless blah blah blah,” but there is no unless.

If it will help you to tell someone something, tell them. If it will help them, then likewise, tell them, because not only will it have helped them, but it will also help you in terms of building a positive relationship with that person.

But if what you’d like to tell them won’t help them OR you, it’s better to forget about it and move on. Like, what would be the point? To make them mad, tell them off for some wrong they’ve done you—would it make you feel better? Maybe it would, but unless you think it’s going to change that person’s outlook or behavior, there’s no point, and once you come down from your moral highchair, you’re going to have to deal with someone who’s pissed off at you for making them feel bad. Honesty and morality are good virtues to cultivate, but those virtues will only help you spiritually, not materially.

Consider the following scenario: let’s say one of your married friends tells you that on a recent trip to Vegas, they got really drunk and slept with some rando. But they also tell you it was a terrible mistake, they deeply regret it, and they’ll never do it again because they love their wife and children. Should you tell the wife? No. While it might help you marginally in terms of gaining her trust, and tickle your fancy to spill the tea, you’re also delivering her information that threatens to shatter her and her family’s entire existence. Now, if he does it again it changes the calculus, but we should be very careful and thoughtful before we tell someone something that is going to hurt them. Omission is not a sin—indeed in many cases, it’s the compassionate thing to do.

Here’s another example: let’s say you’re working on a group project and you did 90% of the work, staying up late and working overtime to make sure it was the best it could possibly be. However, when you present to your boss, your colleague, who didn’t do hardly anything, takes all the credit and gets all the praise. Should you tell your boss about this, or tell your colleague off? No and no. Why? Because your boss will be prone to see this as petty, and may now suspect that you’re the one who’s trying to claim undue credit, and your colleague already knows full well that they did something immoral—and by doing so, they showed you that they’re immoral and willing to put their career advancement above your own. So, if you tell them off what’s the most likely reaction? They’ll look for ways to undercut you even further. So the best course of action is to say nothing, avoid working with that person in the future, and look for other opportunities to show your boss you’re a valuable employee. And if it continues to happen, it’s time to look for a new job.

People will often refuse to admit fault or re-examine their bad ideas.

Why? Because most people, most of the time, cannot admit mistakes or apologize for doing something that hurts other people—even if it’s obvious they did so. Motivated reasoning causes people who do really stupid things, or make absolutely moronic arguments, to nevertheless believe they are in the right and NEVER admit fault.

Exhibit A: there’s a guy in Wisconsin who’s wife recently got deported by ICE who says he doesn’t regret his vote for Trump. Think about that: the government deports your own wife (returning from their honeymoon no less) because the guy you voted for has goons running around the country rounding up brown people to send to some awful fucking prison in El Salvador without any due process of law and in clear violation of the 4th Amendment—and still you don’t think you made a mistake?

Another example: the Boston Globe recently published an Op-Ed arguing that testosterone doesn’t give men an advantage in sports and we should abolish women’s sports entirely, so as to avoid the controversy surrounding trans women competing against natal females. Guess what would happen if we did that? There would just be men’s sports, because men—especially the top male athletes—are way bigger, faster, and stronger than the top female athletes.³ Take a look at this list of the top players in the WNBA—they’re the phenoms of the league, amazing players—and yet the truth is, they might not even be able to make the team at most men’s college basketball programs. If you want another example, consider that a few years back, the FC Dallas U-15 boys team beat the US Women’s National Soccer Team in a scrimmage.

To cap off our list of the dumbest people alive, our current Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, just disclosed secret war plans in a group chat with a journalist, a position he only occupies because Donald Trump liked him on Fox News and the Republican Congress has all the collective integrity and spine of an Amoeba. They’d be screaming bloody murder on right wing media if anything even close to this had happened under Biden. But do you think they’ll say shit about it now? Of course not.

Again, in a lot of cases, people are incapable of changing their mind, no matter how absolutely moronic their beliefs or behavior—even if it negatively affects them personally. And it’s crazy how many people who are absolute maniacs, utterly incompetent, or a combination of both, have as much power as they do in this world. Like, Biden wanted to be President again and he could barely speak coherently—and now he wants back in! Hypocrisy and hubris, as they say, know no bounds, and that’s truer now than it ever has been in the modern age of social media.

Don’t Obey Your Emotional Impulses: Be Smart and Prudent

However, it is what it is—we’re not going to change human nature anytime soon—so all we can do, if we want to be smart and have an advantage in life, is hold our cards close to the vest. Don’t say more than you need to. Hold off on letting words fly when you start getting hot under the collar, or feel deeply hurt by someone who has wronged you.⁴ Control your emotions and think through the outcome of what is likely to happen before you act or give someone information. Again, if it will help you or it will help them, then by all means, tell them. But if our communication isn’t going lead to a positive outcome, we’re doing everyone involved a disservice.

Going back to my story—what did I accomplish? Nothing. I just made my bosses feel bad for being stupid and taking money from me and potentially putting my job in jeopardy—when I should’ve anticipated full well that they weren’t going to change their minds. The smart play would’ve been to say thanks for the promotion, then immediately start looking for a new job without saying a word about how I felt.

Winning and Absence are the Best Revenge

Even though 90% of people out there think they’re Gryffindor, I’ll admit here that I’m a Slytherin—I’m ambitious, resourceful, and not exactly quick to forget a slight.⁵ But here’s how we get our revenge: when someone delivers you an injustice, rejects you, or wrongs you, remove yourself and continue being a badass. No need to get upset or make a scene—just leave and make them sorry for your absence by winning!

Boss doesn’t give you the raise you deserve? Don’t say anything, start applying for new jobs. Girlfriend or boyfriend break up with you, or worse, cheat on you? Be as kind as can be, but show them through your deeds that this was a terrible decision—and if it’s your fault, start getting better and become the best version of yourself you can be! Don’t like the politics of your state—or country? Leave and take your talents elsewhere. Absence and success are the best remedy to injustice.

The other thing is, don’t take people who are crazy, mean, or stupid seriously, and when someone makes a bad call, remind yourself it’s a bad call, not a reflection on you personally. Remind yourself also, that sometimes we all make bad decisions or sometimes do things that aren’t very kind or considerate—even if we don’t mean to. If that happens, try to recognize it ASAP, and then own up to it and apologize rather than letting it fester.⁶ Don’t give the other party the opportunity to tell you something you don’t need to know.

God I love it when it all comes full circle. Namaste dear readers.

---

You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

1. 77% of women 18-35 say they want to be approached more in person, but many, when it actually happens, kinda freeze up. And then there’s those that have boyfriends, aren’t interested, or give you their number and seem super keen, only to flake out on the date. But this is just part of the game: men get to shoot their shot, and women get to decide if they want to let the ball go in or not. Overall I did just fine, which taught me that rejection doesn’t really matter. Count your wins, not your losses boys!

2. Unless you want them to quit.

3. Why? Because testosterone.

4. I definitely need to do better on this one!

5. First off, they’re not—most people lack the true courage it takes to be a Gryffindor. In my estimation, most people are Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or muggles. Second, I would not have gone along with Voldemort! Like there are Never Trump Republicans, I’m a Never Voldemort Slytherin.

6. An upcoming post will be on why apologizing or asking for forgiveness is a super power.