The Crucible of Modern Dating Selection
Why men are having such a hard time in today's romantic marketplace
Men aren’t doing well in today’s society. The statistics are alarming. Men earn 40% of today’s bachelors degrees, are four times as likely to commit suicide, are less likely to own a home, more than 60% of men under 30 are single, and 27% of all men under 30 report never having sex with a woman since turning 18.
The reaction from society at large has been to victim blame. Men just need to “man up” and “do better.” A somewhat hilarious framing we see all the time in the media is: “men doing badly, women most affected.”
To be fair, some of this is men’s fault. If you spend all day watching porn, playing video games, and not improving yourself, you will not accomplish much in life, nor will you be attractive to women. This is why a significant portion of GetBetterSoon is dedicated to helping men improve, both in dating and in life generally.
However, even if you “have your shit together” as a man, I don’t think society at large truly comprehends how hard it is for men when it comes to dating—and that isn’t within their control. It’s because dating has become an incredible crucible through which very few men can pass.
Consider: if any man were to lay his entire life bare to all attractive women on the planet, no matter how hot or successful he was, 99% would reject him. Why? Because given full transparency, they would find something wrong, some flaw that cannot be overlooked, some “dark” aspect of his character—especially true now that we’ve labeled the mere fact of being masculine as “toxic.” No man is Prince Charming Perfect, nor can any man offer a woman the unconditional love of her father. Indeed, if we could go back in time and introduce women to their fathers as potential suitors when they were younger, they would almost universally reject the men their mothers married.1 Remember, on dating apps, the average man is matched with or swiped right on 0.6% of the time. That means 994 out of 1000 women said, “nah.”
Women are hardwired to reject and be picky.2 For the first handful of dates—or let’s be honest, typically until sex happens—they are looking for reasons to kick men to the curb. Like raptors testing the fences for weakness, women test the men they date to determine their worthiness. And they should! This is every woman’s right and her prerogative. Women have far more to lose than men should a romantic encounter go wrong—even if the guy is just an asshole, that is a tremendously unpleasant experience!3
However, with the advent of dating apps and social media, it’s clearly gone too far. Women are fond of complaining “there aren’t enough good men” but the problem is that no matter how good men are as a collective, women will always want a man who’s in the top 10%, and they now have access to literally every man on the planet who has a smart phone. Not all men can be six feet tall, make six figures, and have six pack abs—it’s called biology and capitalism. Indeed, modern female pickiness is leading to a scenario where more and more women—particularly as they get into their 30s and 40s—are single and childless, despite wanting to be neither. But that is another story for another time.
The Brutal Truth About Men and Women on the Apps
This is going to sound harsh, but is true by definition: unless newly single, being on a dating app if you’re a man means you’re undesirable to most, if not all women—the only other reason is you’re a fuckboi.4 It’s one or the other. Because a man who is highly desirable on the apps and wants a relationship will find one in relatively short order. The fact this represents an extremely small number of men is irrelevant: we either pass, or we do not.
The corollary for women on dating apps is that again, unless newly single, by definition, these are the most picky, unreasonable, least likely to compromise, and most disagreeable of all women. Because even if she’s just mildly attractive, a smart, kind, not overly picky woman will find a guy rather quickly. Remember, women have a 3-1 ratio in their favor on dating apps! So if she’s making a genuine effort to get out there, the most likely explanation a woman is single is that she’s too picky, flaky, mean, and/or unreasonable. In all likelihood, she is taking into consideration irrelevant information about the men she dates, and using it to disqualify them as potential partners.5
The Gauntlet of Female Criteria
Consider that on dating apps, or IRL, despite finding a man physically attractive—even highly attractive—a woman will not match, go on a date with, or continue dating him for any of the following reasons:
An objectionable photo
The wrong kinds of photos
Having been single too long, or not long enough
Too old/young
Not tall enough
Prior relationships
Children
Religious affiliation
Political beliefs
A job title that’s not prestigious enough
Too much/little education
Not intellectual enough, or too intellectual
Too many/not enough tattoos and/or piercings
Bad prompts, or prompts with either too much or not enough information
Liking the wrong kinds of shows, books, or podcasts
Being too much of, or not enough of the following:
Jock
Nerd
Bro
Outdoorsy
Feminine
Masculine
Hipster
Punk
Dad
Now, I will concede that some of these things might be important in determining her attraction, fostering her ability to connect with a man, or assessing the benefits he might provide her—but they also might not be, and that’s a hell of a gauntlet to run for any man, no matter how attractive or well qualified. Again, no man is Prince Charming Perfect according to any woman’s individual whims and fancies, but that won’t stop them from trying to find him on the apps.
Modern culture encourages and severely punishes oversharing
One of the lies we’ve been told by modern culture is that people will accept you for exactly the person you will are, and that being honest and open are virtues. I wish this were true! Being honest and open is good, for you, but being honest and open when it will hurt you is stupid. As I often repeat, GetBetterSoon is reality based media. I’m not here to make you feel better, I’m here to help you do better.
And the truth is that in a highly online society where anything and everything is politically or socially weaponized by idiots on TikTok, IG, and YouTube, people—especially men—simply can’t risk oversharing, because the modern narrative about dating is that we have to be nearly identical and believe all the same things to connect romantically, even though that’s both wrong and impossible. Like, there are regular posts on Reddit worrying about a two year age gap, and there are concern trolls there to encourage this absurdity.
The leaps of judgment people make are also incredible. “Oh, you listen to Rogan—you must like Trump, and therefore you must like Andrew Tate and therefore you must be a red-pill, incel…” Or, maybe, just maybe, he thinks Rogan is funny and enjoys the conversation, even if he doesn’t agree with everything the guy says? Maybe he agrees more often with the guests who call Rogan out or disagree with his dumb opinions? And that’s just the point—I’m not a fan of the guy, and I think his schtick of “bros just asking questions” is having a deleterious effect on society—but that doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with someone who’s loves him! We don’t have to agree about everything, and the assumptions people are prone to make base on tiny bits of information are tremendously harmful if we want to have a high-trust, high-functioning society.
For men who want more on how to control the narrative so as to better pass through this crucible, read Guy Game 201.
As always, thanks for reading. Namaste!
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How many of our boomer dads are over 6 ft tall? Not 100%. How many are jacked? How many make six figures? Would he pass through the crucible of expectations women put on the men they seek today?
Though it’s not now true thanks to birth control, throughout most of human history, if a woman had sex with the wrong man, that was a life long mistake—she would have to carry that child in her womb for nine months and raise it to adulthood. So women have an instinct to be very careful when it comes to selecting men.
Guys, rule ONE: don’t be an asshole.
If I haven’t offered enough evidence of how picky women are, check out, “Am I dating the same guy” on Facebook. Women would rather take the risk of dating and reporting fuckbois than date guys slightly less attractive.
This is the reason you can make money as a male dating coach, but can’t as a female dating coach. If you don’t believe me, look it up—there are hundreds of rich male dating coaches, but very few female dating coaches. Because the advice most single women need to hear is simple, and yet most will not be willing to hear it: “You’re too picky and/or need to lose weight and/or need to be nicer.” A lot of men need to hear the same exact message and I’ve told them this—I’ve told it to myself—and they will listen if they have skin in the game. Part of the reason there’s a paywall on my male dating advice.