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The Foundations of Romantic Relationships:
Attraction: sexually attracted to the other person
Connection: shared values, experiences, goals, and have fun together!
Mutual Benefits: each partner’s life is better with the other person in it than they would be on their own, or with other people
Combined, these factors represent a person’s value in relationships. If they’re extremely attractive, more people will be interested. If they are good at connecting with others, more people will want to connect with them. Finally, if they benefit those in their lives in some way, more people will want to stick around to enjoy those benefits.
Attraction
Attraction is somewhat obvious, but many people seem to do things that lower their attractiveness to the opposite sex, whether because they don’t understand this, or because they are choosing to be a certain way for personal reasons.
Examples:
Not accentuating one’s masculinity or femininity, or choosing to present androgynously.
Men:
Not working out i.e. having small muscles and/or being out of shape
Having body language that displays weakness, like bad posture, excessive speaking with one’s hands
A high voice pitch and speaking quickly—women are attracted to men with deep voices, so men should learn to speak in low tones and slow down
Dying one’s hair or wearing makeup
Women
Having short hair
Wearing clothes that are overly baggy, or aren’t flattering to one’s figure
Having an excessive amount of tattoos—especially full sleeves
Not being thin relative to one’s natural body shape and proportions
Connection
One aspect of connection is social capital—how comfortable they are carrying on conversations, being a good listener, telling stories, humor, confidence, etc.
Another aspect of connection is having experiences and values that other people find interesting and worthwhile. Examples:
Played or plays sports, or involved in other extracurricular activities like dancing, music, acting, etc.
Went to college—or did not!
Has an interesting job
Enjoys fun hobbies
Reads lots of books, or is highly knowledgeable about movies or series
Benefits
Money
Housing
Emotional Support
Good Sex
Cooks, cleans, does yards work, fixes things
Leadership and Strength
Care and Comfort
Factors that don’t matter in building successful romantic relationships:
Age gaps: if attraction, connection, and mutually beneficial, these are irrelevant
Case study: meeting people in-person shows this doesn’t matter
Maturity
Matters for marriage with children and maybe in extreme cases
Religious beliefs—unless extreme
Height—to an extent
Judgment of others, like family or friends
Vices—unless extreme
Politics—unless extreme
Lack of Value: Why the People Opt Out after Date(s)
The simplest reason a person we went on a date or multiple dates with didn’t want to continue building the relationship is that they didn’t see us as offering enough value. Think about the last person you rejected: why? Probably because they weren’t attractive enough, there wasn’t a connection, and/or weren’t really going to benefit your life.
Hard to hear—why getting rejected fucking sucks so hard, and why getting ghosted is even worse!
However, they have given us valuable information: we’re not valuable enough relative to what other people want—in this case it’s only one person, and we shouldn’t put too much stock in just one person’s opinion, but if this keeps happening, then it’s clear: the value of the people we think we should be matching with is significantly higher than our own.
Again, hard to hear! One of two choices:
A) Lower our standards
B) Increase our value
If you can’t or don’t want to lower your standards, the only chance is to increase value.
When I was first single after my divorce in 2016:
Dating was very difficult for first two years
Got in great shape and increased my social skills
In 2018 all the sudden I couldn’t keep women away, and that continued through 2021 when I met my now ex-girlfriend.
The Obstacle is the Way
Great book by Ryan Holiday, and it’s clear in this case:
Use the rejection as feedback from the romantic marketplace, and turn it into a strength
People who rejected you: examine why, fix to become better
We should want them to look at our social media a year from now and think: oh shit I totally fucked up
We want this not to cause regret, but because that is the inevitable result if we increase our value
Delta from somewhat unattractive to highly attractive = regret of those who passed
Delta from making kinda mediocre money to making a ton: buying a house, having a nice car, going on fun, exotic vacations, that person is going to regret their decision.
Connection is trickier, but HARD not to connect romantically with people who are super hot and highly successful. If you become highly successful, it’s likely you’ve increased your ability to connect anyway.
For myself, for the rest of my life, this will be the poorest and in worst shape I will ever be, and I’m not poor now, nor am I in bad shape. My life is only going to get better, and smart women should want to be a part of that.
If you don’t want to lower your standards, you should aim to do likewise. This is how we start making our dates turn into relationships with the people we desire.
You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!
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