"Hey he's just your old man. He's as full of sh*t as anyone."
Be your authentic self. No one is perfect or worth placing on a pedestal.
The quote is from one of my favorite movies, Bull Durham. Even if you’re not a fan of baseball, it’s fantastic—a story about love, relationships, sex, mentorship, and self-development, with baseball as the backdrop.
The first time I watched it was when my summer baseball coach told me, after I was pouting during a slump, “you have no savvy. No resilience. I mean hell, have you ever seen Bull Durham?”
After the game, I asked my dad if we could watch it, so we did—a little awkward given that I was 16 at the time and the opening scene shows the star pitcher having sex with a fan in the locker room before his professional debut! But watching it was a revelation. Truly excellent dialogue with so many good quotes! I’ve watched it at least 20 times now. Star studded cast too: Susan Sarandon plays Annie Savoy, the leading lady, Crash Davis—the veteran catcher—is played by Kevin Costner, and the hot young pitcher is Ebby Calvin “Nuke” Laloosh, played by Tim Robbins. To get a feel, check out this scene when Crash Davis first introduces himself to Nuke.
BTW, for any young bros out there, Crash Davis is the sort of man you should aim to be: he’s confident, competent, wise, patient, well-read, passionate, and good with women—direct with his intentions, but respectful and classy in rejection. And when he tells Laloosh his dad’s “just as full of shit as anyone”, he doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t respect our fathers—or anyone who deserves our respect.
Do What You Need to Do and Say What You Believe is True
What he means is that we can’t live our lives trying to impress other people, and it’s not worth worrying too much about what they think of us. For example, I’m a huge nerd: I’ve read LOTR at least 12 times, watched the entire series at least 30 times, and when I’m not quoting Gollum or Aragorn or telling someone on the freeway “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”, I’m soaking in Dune, Game of Thrones, Star Wars, Firefly, Alien, or something else sci-fi, fantasy, or at the very least, post-apocalyptic. But like, my friends and family don’t care. They either like the same stuff or use it as an excuse to tease me—as they should!
Admittedly, this is easy with matters of taste like ice cream and music and movies, but it’s the way it should be with almost everything, even politic opinions or social behavior. Think about it this way: your opinion on the best flavor of ice cream has about as much impact on government policy as what you think about the conflict between Israel and Palestine. Before you freak out, understand: I’m not comparing the two in any way in terms of their impact on humanity. I’m simply pointing out that what we as individuals think about it doesn’t influence policy. Embrace what power you have, but accept what you do not, OR, work to get more of it so you can influence the debate in a meaningful way.
Instead of getting angry when you disagree with someone, crack a joke that might get your friend or family member to think about their belief in a different way. There’s seed of truth inside every good joke, which you can use to make your argument while also making them laugh. And like, are they really your friend if they don’t want to associate with you because you have some minor disagreement about politics? This seems to be a lost concept in our modern age, where virtue signaling, cancelation, and audience capture are all too common, but it’s OK to have genuine beliefs and say them publicly. Have the courage to be your authentic self, because we cannot escape our true nature, and we shouldn’t try.
This is why I’m not afraid to call out bad ideas or behavior (lol, as you may have noticed), whether they come from the Left, Right, or anywhere else for that matter. I’m also happy to champion good ideas regardless of who they come from. Joe Rogan is wrong about vaccines, but he recently said we should have a single-payer publicly funded healthcare system, and on that I agree wholeheartedly. I’m certain my heterodoxy has turned some people off, but I couldn’t care less—hell, if my only goal was to get a bunch of acclaim and money, I could EASILY become a right wing influencer, because 30% of our population will believe literally anything you say and give you money as long as you worship Trump.1 Pretty sure if he told them to cut off their own dicks for a hamburger at least some of them would do it. MCGA—make castration great again! You also get a free hat:
However, this project isn’t about winning fans because I repeat things they already believe. It’s about telling the truth of what I know when it comes to helping people GET BETTER! It’s about being willing to change our minds when better ideas are at hand, or what we believe is shown to be wrong.
It’s true for me too! I’m sure I have beliefs and behaviors I need to update. But the only way I will know I’m wrong is if someone has the guts to tell me—if they can point out my blindspots and make the argument. In short, if they remember that I too am as full of shit as anyone. I’ll give you one example here that stands out in my mind: I thought Biden was capable and mentally fit, right up until I saw that June debate. Man was that dumb! I bought the propaganda from the White House and much of left wing media, that he was still sharp and it was all just bullshit coming from the Right to make him look bad. Turns out it wasn’t bullshit, and that I, along with a lot of other people, were wrong.2
I’ll renew my call here for guest posts, or we can do a podcast episode where we discuss a particular topic or idea, if you, dear reader, have ideas on how to help this audience, myself included, Get Better! The offer stands even if you think I’m totally full of shit about something I’ve said here! I’ll list my email at the end if you’re interested.
What Doesn’t Work When Convincing Others to Change
Excommunicating those with whom we disagree. Taking your toys home and crying to mommy works until you’re seven. After that it’s time to be a big boy. Are there people who aren’t worthy of our time and energy? Sure. But the only legitimate reason for that is if the person doesn’t bring value to the relationship, or shows themselves as harmful and refuses to apologize or change their actions going forward.3 Indeed, if we cut off a close friend or family member for a petty disagreement or because they make a mistake they regret and apologize for, what does it show the people who remain in our life about our character and commitment to them?
Othering those with whom we disagree. Using epithets, labels, ad-homonym attacks, or applying extreme terms to people when it’s unwarranted is always a mistake. For example, when the terms “narcissist”, “fascist”, “racist”, “transphobic”, “genocide”, and “sexist”, are thrown around casually, they cease to have the power they should have. Like, if every dude you date is a “narcissist” after you break up, then you either have horrible taste in men or you don’t really know what that term means and are only using it because that’s what other girls on TikTok say about the men in their lives. This is precisely why the term loses its power: if everyone you disagree with is a fascist, then no one is a fascist. Lastly, it makes you look wrong and mean. People instinctively know that the person who is doing the name calling is only doing that because they don’t have a legitimate argument, and they also rightly see the assholery of this behavior.4
A few examples:
Someone who doesn’t want illegal immigration is not automatically a racist, as is often alleged. It’s a legitimate position to hold that we can’t allow unlimited immigration to our home country without some sort of legal process. Personally, I think we should have a lot more immigration, especially hot Latinas from Central and South America, and more African queens! Damn you Trump! In all seriousness though, maybe you disagree and think we should have open borders, and maybe some portion of people who are anti-immigration hold that belief because they are actually racist, but to suggest everyone who doesn’t believe in open borders is a racist is just wrong.
It’s not transphobic to believe that trans-women shouldn’t be allowed to compete in female sports—again, maybe you disagree, but nearly 80% of Americans hold this view, and they’re not all transphobes. And I say this as a massive man who was a college athlete. If I identified a trans-woman who wanted to play rugby, guess how that would go for the natal females I was competing against? How would that be fair, or safe?
Conservatives cast any criticism of Trump as “Trump derangement syndrome” and apply the term “libtard” to anyone who’s not a Republican. But this is simply an excuse to ignore the completely legitimate reasons why people might not like any number of things Trump does. As I pointed out recently, no one should be in favor of having goons from ICE running around the country, arresting people, and sending them to foreign prisons without due process of law. I don’t want Venezuelan gang members here either, but the correct procedure is to have evidence they’ve committed a crime (like being here illegally), arrest them, put them in jail, prove in a court of law that they’ve committed said crime, and then deport them or put them in prison. The absence of due process was literally one of the specific reasons Jefferson listed in the Declaration of Independence for why we didn’t want to be an English colony anymore, and it’s also why the 4th and 5th Amendments were written into the Constitution, along with the 14th, which was added after the Civil War. Admittedly, some liberals are afflicted with Trump derangement syndrome, and automatically assume that anything he does is bad.5 However, as many if not more conservatives and even some independents are afflicted with what I call “Trump delusion syndrome”, which is to believe that whatever Trump does is good, and that he’ll do whatever you hope he’ll do, when it’s clearly not and he clearly won’t. Exhibit A: prior to the election, a lot of “very smart” people thought he’d be great for the stock market—so far that hasn’t been true, and it’s going to get even worse if he goes through with these idiotic tariffs and continues alienating our closest trade partners. If he keeps it up, between our emaciated 401Ks and Elon’s cuts to Social Security, we’ll all end up having to work until we’re 85.
Attempting to limit someone’s freedom of speech or have them canceled. This is not only wrong, but counterproductive. It serves to amplify whatever it is they said and casts them as a martyr for their movement, like what’s happened with some of the pro-Palestinian students the Trump Administration has thrown in jail recently, or the Left’s attempt to cancel any number of people for wrong-think—especially between 2017—2022. Like, could I even have made that joke above about Latinas and African women in 2021 without people freaking out?6 I think not.
Take the High Road and Prove That Bad Ideas are Wrong
Instead of getting upset, calling people names, and getting all high and mighty, prove logically why the ideas you don’t like are wrong. Because even if the person saying them won’t change their mind (like everyone at Fox News, where part of the HR process is signing your soul away to Satan so you can trick old people into buying Trump watches and gold coins), other people will hear your argument, and if they agree, that person’s ideas will lose power and eventually go away. The whole point of having the freedom of speech is so we can engage with others in a discourse that collectively allows us to decide how we want government to work, whether local, state, or federal. Right?
This is why we should say what we believe and do what we need to do, so long as we’re not being hateful or hurting someone else. And let’s be very clear: hearing ideas we don’t like or having someone disagree with us IS NOT a cause of trauma, nor is it hateful. Again, prove them wrong—show them that what they think isn’t good and/or would produce bad results. We can be forgiven if we spare young children from hearing about bad people or bad things, but by the time a person is old enough to go to high school, they ought to be mature enough to handle hearing ideas they don’t like or disagree with. People who can’t do this should not be taken seriously.
Remember, we are all flawed, make mistakes, and capable of both apology and forgiveness, provided the apology is genuine and followed with corrective action. No one is perfect, and we shouldn’t perform as if we are for others—do what you want, say what you believe, and listen to others with an open mind and heart. Be your genuine self, live with grace and gratitude, and be the change you hope to see in the world.7
As the Mandalorian reminds us: This is the way!
You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!
There is literally no other explanation than to say many Americans worship the man like a god. If you have some other explanation, let me know, but some of the stuff he says and does are so repulsive and fundamentally un-American, I can’t explain it any other way. It baffles me to this day. However, I also understand that from their perspective, I’m the crazy one. Life is wild!
I was never big fan of Biden, nor was I all that excited about Harris. To me, that last three Presidential elections have clearly been about choosing the lesser of two evils—and, living as I do in Oregon, which is always blue, my vote didn’t matter anyway.
Admittedly, I had to sever a connection with a friend recently. The proximate cause was a political argument, but I didn’t care that we disagreed—I cared that he was being a jerk about it, saying I was a complete idiot, immoral, and un-educated. If he’d been more measured and reasonable, I was willing to change my mind, at least partially. But so far he hasn’t apologized, so it is what it is. When/if that happens, we can move forward.
To call myself out here, I need to do better in this regard. I know it’s poor form to call names, but when I get upset or feel passionately about something, they can sometimes slip out. Got to work on that! What I try to do when I catch myself, is to say that someone is “being” or “behaving like” whatever label I have in my mind. For example: I can be a total asshole at times, but I’m not fundamentally an asshole, nor do I identify as one.
If you’re going to protest Tesla, fine, but let’s not smash miniature cars or do fucking dances—it just makes you look so damn silly and unserious. Also, don’t burn or vandalize Teslas. What does that accomplish, other than to possibly land yourself in jail?
If you didn’t realize that was a joke, or didn’t like it, Get Better Soon is probably not for you. Happy trails!
Pretty sure this is like the slogan for at least 56% of all the colleges in the US. I think it was for both colleges I got degrees from. So, perhaps cliche, but still a good idea!