Girl Game 102: How to Turn the Odds Ever in Your Favor
Unfortunately, most of women’s dating advice is intended to make women feel good, rather than do good. Three points to start with:
Dating for women in today’s market is particularly difficult, because there are a lack of high quality men who are serious candidates for long term relationships and/or marriage. I’m trying my best to help dudes get better! But this is only a very small drop in a very large bucket.
People should do whatever they want to do, and take the advice they want to take. As we all know, doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. GetBetterSoon is reality based media: my goal isn’t to help you feel better, it’s to help you get better, but waiting for human nature to change because we complain about it is like an old man shaking his fist at the clouds—might feel good, but accomplishes nothing. The world exists as it is, and we must live in that reality.
If there are aspects of the female dating experience I’m missing, TELL ME! I’m only human after all, and being a man, while I can do my best to sympathize and try to understand what it’s like for single women out there, surely I have my blindspots.
Remember, if what I say isn’t something you do, then it’s not about you, right?
Women don’t lack for an abundance of options, but they do lack for an abundance of good options.
So what to do? Let’s get into it ladies!
Time is Limited: Give Guys a Chance to Shoot Their Shot!
A woman’s options in her lifetime are limited to the number of men who show interest in her; a man’s options in his lifetime are limited to the number of women in whom he shows interest.
By the time the average woman hits 30 and is still single, it’s likely she’s broken up with at least one guy who was, or will become, an absolute baller who would’ve made a great husband and/or father. She’s flaked on or ghosted at least 20+ of similar quality. And she’s rejected far more out of hand.
It’s a woman’s prerogative to reject men she deems unworthy. But every uninformed rejection is a missed opportunity. Better to investigate. Because some men, while not immediately attractive due to lack of game or whatever else, may indeed be great companions. There’s no doubt this is a difficult matter to sort out, but too many women are too quick to dismiss men based on an initial emotional response.
When a woman rejects, flakes, or ghosts, there’s a tacit justification she comes to believe: “I wouldn’t have done this if I really liked the guy—the reason I am doing so is because he is unworthy.” In some cases this may be true, but many times it isn’t—it’s because she was feeling social anxiety, not in the mood, or some combination of other reasons that have nothing to do with the man in question. So truly ask yourselves ladies, am I doing this for a good and valid reason, or because I’m justifying it emotionally? If the former, fine, but if not, you’re missing out on an opportunity to meet a guy who might be a wonderful companion, or at the very least, a fun sexual experience.
For example, a woman I’m close to almost missed out on her now husband, who only got her out because he sent what might be the greatest recovery text I’ve ever heard: “is there a secret code I need to go on a date with you?” Had she ignored that, as she had his previous attempts, she would not be married to him, and he’s a fucking STUD!
We only have so much time in this life. For women, the best time to find your guy is when you’re younger, because that is when you are most attractive to men. I’m not saying older women can’t be successful or find a good partner, it’s just more difficult. Same is true for older men, although the advantage men have is that women value financial success and social status more than men, and the older we are, regardless of sex, the more likely we are to have these things. Like, there’s a reason it’s not uncommon to see guys like Bill Belichick, who’s in his 70s, dating a woman who’s 24, and not the reverse.1 Men have more options as they get older (to a point); women have more options when they are young.
The point is that whatever age you are, and whatever your gender/sex, time is ticking. I wish I was younger and had more time to do shit—but I don’t. As Gandalf reminds Frodo as he despairs of the burden of destroying the ring, “all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
So give men the chance to shoot their shot! Don’t dismiss the approach—it takes tremendous guts for arguys to talk to you. Don’t refuse to reply after giving your number, flake on dates, or ghost after the initial date if it doesn’t go perfectly. Not feeling an immediate connection doesn’t mean you won’t develop one in time. Guys are nervous too! Maybe he’s a little stiff on the first date, but if he’s otherwise kind, decent, and seems to have some good things going in his favor, give him a second chance. And if you’re certain you don’t want to see him for whatever reason, just say so: make an excuse if you have to, and then if he’s a douche and sends a wall of text saying stupid shit, block his ass, or block him right away after you’ve told him no.2
Feelings are not facts, and while I wouldn’t suggest anyone ignore them, sometimes our emotions are wrong. This is especially true with social anxiety—the fear we feel when meeting someone new, or of an unexpected social opportunity, isn’t a good reason to dismiss them. Most likely it’s a lack of practice which is something to get over through action, not avoidance. Indeed, look through your social media: how many guys you knew in high school or college you didn’t date are now successful and either married or in a long term relationship? The women they are with were willing to give those guys a shot, and if you don’t want to be single, you should do the same.
Make Yourself Easy to Approach
I’ve written about using dating apps effectively, so let’s get into meeting men IRL—this is the best way in my experience, because you immediately get a feel for the other person and can sense if there’s chemistry or not.
The first thing here, because most women go out in pairs or groups, is don’t cock block each other, assuming you are going out with the possibility of meeting men. I’m continually astonished when approaching pairs, or groups of women, at how quickly they’ll dismiss me—this is a universal experience for all men who’ve attempted such a feat. If you’re just wanting to hang with the girls, cool, but it’s super confusing to men when a group of girls goes out to a bar or club or event where there are lots of singles, dressed to the nines, and then seem to not want to get approached. Like WTF? If you wanted a girls night sans men, why do this? Why not just stay at home and order pizza and watch movies or play games together? It’s baffling—if any of you ladies would like to post in the comments to explain this phenomenon, have at it.3
However, assuming you’re going out and open to the possibility of meeting a cute guy, don’t be the woman who shuts it down, and don’t let any of your friends be that person either. Not saying you shouldn’t dismiss guys you’re not interested in—again, it’s a woman’s prerogative to reject—but don’t do it just because.
If you are open to the idea of meeting guys IRL, make it easy for them to talk to you:
Go out alone if you can or want to—obviously somewhere there are other people where it’s safe. It’s way easier for a guy to talk to you when you’re not in a group for reasons stated above.
Slow down if you are walking.
Make strong eye contact with guys you think are cute; give him a smile!
Instead of facing the bar, face away. Face toward the crowd and try not to hide in a corner.
Walk, stand, or sit near guys you like—sit next to a guy you like if you can, or sit where there’s an open spot next to you.
Approach the guy! Open with a compliment, like: hey, love your shoes, or coat, or something like that.
If he doesn’t close (he should though!), offer to give him your number, or take his.
Don’t spend all your time on the dance floor—it’s very difficult to talk when it’s super loud, and I never advise men to dance with a woman if they don’t have her consent, because it’s creepy and generally unwanted.
Avoid clubs—go to venues and events that allow for conversation and mingling.
Smile! Be happy! Be joyous! Have fun! It’s way easier for guys to approach women who are in the mood to chat it up!
None of the above can guarantee the sort of man you want to meet will approach, but it does make it far more likely.
Find the Dark Horse and/or Go Outside Your Comfort Zone
This is not an original idea of mine, but it’s super smart, so bears mentioning: give guys who have promise a shot. Choose the dark horse. Maybe they aren’t wealthy or successful yet, but they have the seeds of what it will take, or are already on their way. These men are far more likely to be single than guys who are already big ballers—those guys already have lots of options, and are way less likely to commit to one woman if they already haven’t.
Does he have a side hustle, or own a small but growing business? Does he want to be an entrepreneur, or have a talent for investing? Is he changing careers or starting a new job? Men need time to prove their worth, so one hack for women who want to be with a high quality guy is to get him before he’s truly accomplished. This is far easier than competing for men who already have it all. If you’re looking for a dark horse, younger guys who seem mature for their age are good targets. Also, dudes who read books and have a wide variety of interests are more likely to be successful long term than those who don’t. Look for ambition and energy!
On the flipside, be willing to date older men. There’s a lot of noise in the modern discourse about age gaps and power differential, but it’s just that: noise. What makes a a romantic partnership successful? Mutual attraction and meeting the other person’s needs. Men want attractive women, and women want men who are attractive AND successful. Plain fact: the older he is, the more likely a man is to be successful. Remember too, that age is but a number. Once we’re adults, the difference between people based on age alone is far less than we might imagine. People can be super immature at 47, or super mature at 23—if you can vibe and get along, that’s what matters most.
Finally, be willing to date guys who are “not your type.” Think about it: if you’re single, choosing guys who are your type has obviously not worked out so far. Always gone for skinny skater dudes? Try dating a guy who played football in college. Always dated guys of the same race? Try something different. Always dated super tall guys? Try dating a man who’s shorter. Have you placed more importance on a man’s wealth than his passion? Date an artist or college professor. I’m not saying to discount your physical attraction, but if you find him attractive enough, but he’s “not your type”, give him a shot and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Men Don’t Want to Chase—Show Interest
This is another example of where women’s dating advice is terrible. I know that women think men have it easy—male privilege and all that, but consider the experience of Norah Vincent, who lived as a man for 18 months as a journalistic experience. Read her book, Self Made Man. It details her continual shock at how difficult it was to be a man, how you were invisible to most of society, and how people treated you as just another cog in the machine.
For men, it’s very difficult to even have the opportunity to date a woman they find attractive. Don’t make it more so by playing hard to get or being high maintenance. Men want women who will make their lives better and easier, not more difficult and confusing. Understand, because so many women flake, smart men learn to filter fast—I teach my clients to do this. Because if she is difficult, or showing disinterest, he’s far better off to spend his time pursing other women. In other words, by making him chase, you’re showing him the same behavior he experiences from women who are genuinely not interested. Extremely counterproductive.
So if you like a guy, don’t beat around the bush. You don’t necessarily be the one who initiates the date, but you can initiate the conversation. Slide into his DMs, like his stories, reply unprovoked on the apps, introduce yourself to him at the bar. If he’s slow to ask you on a date, suggest things you’d like to do or times you’re free. “I really want to go to this cool concert next week, but I don’t have anyone to go with.” If he doesn’t get the hint, then either he’s not interested or he’s so daft as to be disqualifying.
Also, since we’re on the topic, a lot of women are told not to sleep with a guy in order to get him to commit. This is wrong. You should sleep with a guy when/if you want to, and if you want to wait, by all means wait. However, if you sleep with a guy on the first or second date, he’s not going to like you less as a result, or see you as less desirable. In fact it’s the opposite. He’ll like you more and want to spend more time with you, unless it was a mismatch in the first place. The reason guys sleep with women and then disappear is almost always because he’s ultimately not attracted to her, but he was thinking with his dick at the time.
In sum, if he really likes you, the easier you make it for him to be with you, the more likely he’ll stick around.
That’s it from me for now—if you have other ideas or things you think would help women do better, please comment below. This post is open for all to voice their thoughts. As always, thanks for reading, and if you like what I’m doing here, spread the good word!
You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!
Generally, I find the age-gap complaint to be silly, but I will say that this kind of age gap is genuinely strange. Yet it happens! The world is a crazy place, no?
BTW men who are reading, don’t do this. When a woman says she’s not interested, wish her well and say it was nice to meet you. Then go find other girls. If you’re a catch it’s her loss, right!
If it’s to get sexual attention but not act on it, fine, but this is poisoning the water hole. The reason most men don’t or won’t approach women is that they’re worried about getting rejected. I teach my clients to deal with this, and all men should, but if women generally are in the habit of going out to get sexual attention with the specific intention of rejecting men who approach, what are you teaching them? Not to approach. Be the change you wish to see in the world.