When We Want Change, Change Tactics
If we aren't getting what we want in life, we have to do something different.
To have a good, productive life where we get what we want, we have to be willing to change our mind. We have to change tactics, because complaining isn’t going to change anything.
This is true of any aspect of life we find dissatisfactory. We have to change tactics and adopt new strategies, because what we are currently doing isn’t working. Doing the same thing over and over and all that.
So…
If you hate your job, get a better one. Consider changing careers. Write a new resume, go back to school, learn a new skill, ask for a promotion, and/or start a side hustle that can grow into a new business that allows you to make enough money to quit eventually. If you don’t have a job, go out and get one—I guarantee that making money and having something to do will make you feel better if you’re currently out of work.
If you don’t like how you look, change your diet, get in the gym, and/or hire a trainer.1 I’ve lost a ton of weight in the past two months and I feel amazing—the goal is to get in the best shape of my life!2 For better or worse, the first thing we judge a person on is their appearance, and even if it’s just for you, being in great shape will make you feel better and have more confidence!
If your relationship sucks, read Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity—I would recommend couple’s counseling, but that hasn’t been shown to be super effective, either because one partner refuses to change or accept their role in the dysfunction, or because the counselor doesn’t know what works to cultivate genuine attraction and connection. Relationships aren’t logical problems to be solved—they’re based on a physical and emotional exchange of value, and unfortunately most people aren’t aware of this dynamic, or if they are, won’t admit it. It also might be time to examine whether the relationship has run its course, or at least, why things aren’t working. Not suggesting people leave relationships willy-nilly, especially if you’re married, and especially if you have children. Remember those vows: for better or worse, in sickness and health, etc. Abandoning a partner in their time of need is gross and inhumane. But sometimes there’s nothing to be done, in which case it may be time to part ways, or alter the arrangement in a way that solves the underlying problems.
If you lack close friends, or a vibrant social circle, seek communities of shared experience. I’ve told more than one person—want to make friends? Choose your favorite local sports team, buy a jersey, and become a true fan: go to games when you can, watch games with other fans at a bar or restaurant, and engage in fan communities online. Trust me, you’ll make friends. But that’s true of anything: yoga, hiking, cooking, writing, camping, traveling, fishing, fashion, hunting, reading, wine or beer tasting, stocks, EDM festivals, music, etc. Engage in these communities, and then invite the people you meet to go out for lunch, coffee, grab a drink, or do the activity you enjoy together. People these days tend to be shy, but if you set up a social event, most people would love to join—and then it might occur to them to return the favor. This is how communities are built.
If you’re struggling with addiction of any kind, enroll in an out-patient program or attend a 12 step program. Also, if you can, remove yourself from the environment that leads you to seek sedation through toxic behaviors or substance abuse. Get to the source of what is causing you to drink, or use opiates, or smoke pot, or overeat—then set about changing that dynamic. Finally, there’s an old saying that “idle hands are the devil’s worship.” If you don’t have a clear purpose or mission in life, you’re far more likely to fall down the rabbit hole of addiction or self-destructive behavior.
If you don’t feel any spiritual connection, start a meditation practice or go to church. I went to church on Easter for the first time in a long time, and it was incredibly powerful and restorative. I happen to be a Christian so that was a natural move for me, but there are tons of different spiritual communities out there: Buddhism, Universalism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, Paganism, Taoism, etc. I can say for certain that “All are Welcome” at any Christian church worth its salt—that’s literally part of the doctrine. And whatever sort of spiritual practice you choose, you don’t have to agree with everything, or even anything to get something out of prayer or worship. I have very, very unconventional spiritual beliefs that don’t fit with traditional Christian doctrine, and Lord knows I’m a copious sinner—but no one cares. Everyone was super nice. They thanked me for coming and didn’t try to convince me of anything. There was no mention whatsoever of politics. Indeed, in reflection I’m now aware that the most judgmental and mean-spirited people in our society are secular, overly online liberals, or people who may say they’re Christian, but whose true god is Trump. The default spiritual mode for a lot of people today is nihilistic hedonism, which means that in practice, life has no meaning aside from entertainment and pleasure. Not good!
If you feel aimless or without purpose, find a mission. Start a side-hustle, write that novel, start a blog or podcast (trust me, it’s super fun!), save up PTO and money to take that vacation you’ve been dreaming about, get in the type of shape you’ve always wanted to be in, learn a new skill, go on a road trip, start a home-improvement or personal project, rebuild a car, become an expert at your favorite hobby, become a mentor or coach. We all need a reason to get up in the morning and be excited for what’s to come, and going to work or school and living as we’ve always lived isn’t going to cut it for most of us.
If you’re struggling romantically, review my posts and pods on what you can do to improve. And for the love of God, stay off Reddit and TikTok—the dating advice you will get there is garbage.
In all of this, be grateful and positive to the extent you can. It’s easy to get into a negative thought pattern, but if you indulge this feeling too often you will rob yourself of the will to take action.
I’m not perfect—I’ve struggled with every single aspect of life I’ve mentioned above. I’m just trying to get better.
In this spirit, I’ll be starting a community for those who are interested in improving any or all of the above, called GetBetterSchool. Whatever you want to improve, we will work on it and help you win, through bi-monthly meetings with me, and weekly group meetings with everyone in the community. It’s $200/month, because we both need to have skin in the game for this to work. That may seem like a lot, but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than college, and far cheaper than you’ll find for personal coaching services.
And if you’re not interested, that’s fine! I’ve given you plenty of free content you can use to make your own changes and craft your own journey, and I will continue to produce more.
You can also support me by subscribing, which will give you access to my paid content, the comments section, and a free hour-long consult with me on whatever you want to talk about. Also, please share with someone you know who needs to GetBetterSoon!
Thanks as always for reading. Namaste!
You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!
Caveat: it’s OK not to care if you genuinely don’t. Everyone has to choose how they want to live, and if fitness and health aren’t a priority, you do you! It’s not a requirement to live a good, fulfilling, and purposeful life.
I can also report from my brief time on Hinge that there are a lot of very beautiful women on Hinge who I’m sure are amazing people, but are simply too overweight to be conventionally attractive to the sort of men they desire. Same has to be true for men. When it comes to dating and mating, being in good physical shape and accentuating your feminine or masculine qualities goes a long way. Androgyny is NOT attractive to most heterosexual cisgender people. Like, there’s a reason Hollywood chooses actors who are jacked and handsome, and women who are pretty and have great bodies—because people want to watch them. And that’s not some grand conspiracy. Most influencers, who are entirely self made, are likewise very good looking in conventional ways, because that’s what people are attracted to on a deeply rooted biological basis.