I’m 71. Until I was in my early 40s, I had tons of dates even though I never had to approach a woman, so I’m guessing I was a 7 or 8 to most of them. Getting married was only once a conversation, and I didn’t finally get married until I was 65.
I agree with absolutely everything you said in this piece. Thank you for putting it in words.
When I was younger, I always thought in terms of 'when you get older, you get more mature'. This is expressly not so. Most people are locked into systems of behavior in adolescence and never really progress because there is no reason to.
Why this is applicable here is that our behaviors while dating are a bucket of our own insecurities which were hardened into a system of behavior early on. "It's not about you" is true most of the time.
Anecdotally, i've been walking around since I was a teenager being tall (6'6" now, a bit taller when younger), relatively good looking (at least i don't gag people) and having solid economics. Women were never a problem to find. Yet I was unsatisfied, and it wasn't about relative numbers really. It was about me.
A struggle for status is just those adolescent behavior patterns replicating in adulthood. When I finally hit recovery in my early 50s, I figured out what I had been doing wrong. The part I despised is control. I don't want to be controlled. I don't really want to control others.
I've gone on a hundred or so first dates in the last three years, and all but one or two were eager to control me into being the person that they wanted. The getting to know me part was about identifying how they were going to fix me to suit themselves. To be fair, the unrecovered me was trying to control others, and I have my moments even now. But I know the actual problem and I work to be a better person by practicing acceptance, detachment and enforcing proper boundaries. No one gets to walk into my life and tell me how to live, and vice versa, i'm behaving badly if I start poking my nose where not asked to and telling you what is what. I'm not a deity and I don't know how you should live.
I've had very attractive women almost always. They all more or less had the same issue I did. There was no happiness that was going to ultimately emanate from this kind of relationship. Regardless of how good looking, high status or desirable my partner might be.
The issue is that actual change requires humility. Humility requires disappointment to the point where you realize you can't live like that anymore. Few people have an actual reason to examine themselves like that.
I realize this is orthogonal to the thrust of your essay, and if that troubles you, I apologize.
I’m 71. Until I was in my early 40s, I had tons of dates even though I never had to approach a woman, so I’m guessing I was a 7 or 8 to most of them. Getting married was only once a conversation, and I didn’t finally get married until I was 65.
I agree with absolutely everything you said in this piece. Thank you for putting it in words.
I messed up and acted like a fuckboy once in my life and didn’t lock her down, and I sort of regret it.
When I was younger, I always thought in terms of 'when you get older, you get more mature'. This is expressly not so. Most people are locked into systems of behavior in adolescence and never really progress because there is no reason to.
Why this is applicable here is that our behaviors while dating are a bucket of our own insecurities which were hardened into a system of behavior early on. "It's not about you" is true most of the time.
Anecdotally, i've been walking around since I was a teenager being tall (6'6" now, a bit taller when younger), relatively good looking (at least i don't gag people) and having solid economics. Women were never a problem to find. Yet I was unsatisfied, and it wasn't about relative numbers really. It was about me.
A struggle for status is just those adolescent behavior patterns replicating in adulthood. When I finally hit recovery in my early 50s, I figured out what I had been doing wrong. The part I despised is control. I don't want to be controlled. I don't really want to control others.
I've gone on a hundred or so first dates in the last three years, and all but one or two were eager to control me into being the person that they wanted. The getting to know me part was about identifying how they were going to fix me to suit themselves. To be fair, the unrecovered me was trying to control others, and I have my moments even now. But I know the actual problem and I work to be a better person by practicing acceptance, detachment and enforcing proper boundaries. No one gets to walk into my life and tell me how to live, and vice versa, i'm behaving badly if I start poking my nose where not asked to and telling you what is what. I'm not a deity and I don't know how you should live.
I've had very attractive women almost always. They all more or less had the same issue I did. There was no happiness that was going to ultimately emanate from this kind of relationship. Regardless of how good looking, high status or desirable my partner might be.
The issue is that actual change requires humility. Humility requires disappointment to the point where you realize you can't live like that anymore. Few people have an actual reason to examine themselves like that.
I realize this is orthogonal to the thrust of your essay, and if that troubles you, I apologize.
J Allen 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾