Women should be held accountable for their romantic choices and the consequences of those choices.
Blaming men for choices women make is bad--for women.
Note: remember, if someone offers a criticism of a group or behavior that doesn’t apply to how you live, then it’s not about you—so there’s no need to get upset.
When it comes to school, business, finances, or any other professional aspect of life in 2025, women and men are given roughly equal agency and responsibility for their choices and outcomes. We judge individuals by their works and acts, and the results of those works and acts. If they are successful or unsuccessful, it’s not because they were a man or a woman, it’s because they did or didn’t do what success requires. This is good! This is what equality means!
For example, while we can question whether the structure of K-12 education benefits women over men, or if going to college is worth the cost (generally, in terms of lifetime earnings, it still is), women are now doing better in school and earning more degrees than men. That is a fact. Why? Because in general, women work harder, study longer, and take school more seriously than men—I saw this first hand when I was a teacher. And individual men have no one to blame but themselves when they fail to perform in school, or get a college degree if that’s what they want.
But there’s a deeper why worth understanding: why do women work hard, study, and take school seriously? Because they are rewarded for doing well, and punished if they don’t (men are too, but this is lost on a lot of teenage boys for reasons I won’t get into right now).
If girls do well in school, they will earn good grades, which enables them to get into a good college, and from there they’ll be in position to be economically independent and live whatever sort of life they choose to live. They’ll also be far more likely to meet a high value man if they choose this route.
On the flipside, most people who don’t do well in school end up working low-wage, manual labor jobs (nothing wrong with this, but for reference, according to the Bureau of Labor, in the 3rd quarter of 2024, people with a bachelors degree or higher earned an average of $1,533/week, vs. $946/week on average for those with only a high school diploma). For women, typically things like: barista, hair dresser, server, customer service, etc. Not doing well in school will severely limit her ability to earn money, relegating her to a fairly modest life, requiring marriage in order to move up the economic ladder. But here too, her prospects will be lacking, as she simply won’t be around nearly as many high quality men as a woman who is at a university, or working a white-collar job.
In other words, the way our society and economy work, women are held accountable for how well they do in school. Modern women know this, so the vast majority of them take school very seriously.
In stark contrast, when it comes to dating and relationships, most people—especially and ironically, women most of all—seem to believe that being female comes with a total lack of agency for the outcome of their romantic lives. Even a smart guy like Scott Galloway, who is most famous for advocating we help men who have fallen behind, continually repeats, “you can’t tell women to lower their standards.”
Rohan Ghostwind sums it up nicely in his post The men are still here, they’re just not here for you (by “them”, if it’s unclear, he’s referring to women):
“When many of them receive feedback on their dating life, they don’t see it as an invitation to update their own behavior or strategy. Rather, much like the author of the article, she assumes that it’s all men who are wrong and dysfunctional.”
Spot on. Indeed, I wrote about aspects of this in two prior posts:
The first is about how Western culture teaches and then reinforces the idea that women have ZERO responsibility for their role in the formation, success, and/or failure of relationships. It all just happens, good, bad, or ugly.1
Exhibit A: to have successful dates, we have to show interest, warmth, and sexual intention, rather than sterile, corporate friendliness bordering on impersonal (what happens to people who don’t have organic friendships because they spend too much time on screens). But the impetus to make this happen is put entirely on men. If you want an example of how this sounds, listen to this episode of Diary of a CEO with Vanessa Van Edwards (start at minute 37). Not that the dude is Casanova, but he’s making his best effort to make the date fun, flirty, and learn more about her. In return she’s bland, impersonal, and can’t even be bothered to plan another date in the next couple weeks despite being attracted to this guy!
It was refreshing to hear Van Edwards take her to task, but I’m afraid many women never get this message—they won’t hear it from their friends, and the rule, as Rohan points out, isn’t to critically examine her role in how things went. If she wasn’t interested, it must be his fault, otherwise she would have responded differently. And then women wonder why men seem disinterested after dates, and relationships don’t take hold.
Exhibit B: to have a healthy long-term, romantic relationship, it takes TWO to tango. Both partners have to work to continue to provide value to the relationship, and ultimately, for a marriage to be successful, each partner in turn will likely have to support their husband or wife through difficult times, whether it involves poor health, the loss of a job, issues with children, a personal transformation, etc. But that’s not what you’ll hear from DPM or any of the divorced wine moms who flock to Substack to tell you how wonderful it is they blew up their families. It was the man’s fault. Why?
Because it always is.
The second, on pickiness, is about how many women have become too picky in relation to the value they are bringing to a relationship with the men they desire. Sexual relationships are formed when two people exchange roughly equal value of unequal goods (credit: Orion Taraban). Many modern women are expecting far more value from a man than they can offer him—and the great irony, given that most people meet via dating apps, is that this expectation takes place before they even meet in person! Women offer men value through beauty, sex, care, affection, support, and kindness. If they cannot offer these things in sufficient measure to the value of the men they desire (men’s value = wealth, status, protection, looks, sex, care, affection, support and kindness), they are by definition too picky.2
The Counter-Actual: MOST women ARE able to have successful relationships with men? Why? Because they (probably) hold themselves accountable.
If you add up the numbers, around 69% (I know, I know) of adults in the US are in a committed romantic relationship—either married, cohabiting, or living apart, but together as romantic partners.
That means most women aren’t too picky to find a man, nor are they having issues finding or staying in committed relationships. This is good! It’s also obviously true for most men. The implication of this data is that if you’re single, it’s your fault (post upcoming on that). Because most other people have reasonable expectations when finding a partner, and provide enough value to their partner to enter into and maintain a relationship.
Consider a scenario with similar measures of success: about 87% of people graduate high school, and 62% graduate college. A well-watered plant could graduate from high school, and if you show up to class, you’ll graduate college too. Which is why few among us would make excuses for people who don’t graduate, because it’s their fault for not finishing.
And yet, somehow, magically, when it comes to heterosexual dating and relationships:
No matter the problem, if she’s single, or the relationship doesn’t work, men are to blame.
Again, for whatever reason, society doesn’t expect agency from women when it comes to romance and relationships, nor does it hold them accountable for their choices. As Rohan points out in the “feminism for me, traditionalism for thee” section of his essay, anytime a woman has a romantic or sexual problem, the solution is essentially the same: blame the man, or men generally. Women should be free to do whatever they want and feel however they feel; men must conform to their social expectations of pursuit, provisioning, and marriage—regardless of the woman’s value—and make her feel attracted, loved, cared for, respected, etc. What can he expect in return? According to many female writers on substack and women on social media: nothing.
Here are some common examples:
Unsatisfied woman in marriage =
blame man
stop having sex with him
start hating him
initiate divorce
take no accountability for wreckage, including trauma to children or the fact the man is now far more likely to commit suicide
brag about it how great it is to be divorced on social media and substack
Mid woman in big city regularly ghosted after dating only top 10% of Chads on the apps =
blame man/men
men are narcissistic assholes
men 👏 need 👏 to 👏 do 👏 better
post on FB site titled “are we dating the same guy?” (A: yes)
dates or sleeps with guy she’s not interested in = ghost
Older woman who wants marriage can’t find a man despite going on hundreds of dates over years and hiring matchmakers =
blame men in major newspaper
there aren’t enough good men out there (read: who wants trad gender roles when it’s convenient for me, is tall and handsome, and makes more money that I do)
men should stop dating younger women
giving up on dating and marriage for good; no accountability for choices or results
Younger woman who posts thirst traps on TikTok and IG and is utterly vapid because she spends 10 hours a day rotting in bed and scrolling =
why do men only want me for my body?
how can I “de-center” men while keeping my $500/mo OF alive?
why doesn’t anyone want to be my BF?
men are pigs
How often do we see woman acknowledge publicly or privately, what we FORCE men to admit and confront when they can’t get dates and/or fail in a relationship?
“I got too fat, let myself go, and didn’t keep the sexual energy alive.”
“I should have been more supportive and emotionally available.”
“I need to lower my standards significantly, or improve myself significantly.”
“I need to accept that rejection is part of the process of dating, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt, with zero expectations.”
“I didn’t do a good job communicating and expressing interest.”
“I was too cold and didn’t escalate to initiate sex.”
“I need to stop smoking pot, scrolling through my phone, spending time on social media, watching TV, and playing video games—I need to unplug.”
There are plenty of grifters on social media dunking on the types of women described above to make men feel better: sad-boy porn, for lack of a better term. But how often does the individual woman who fucked up acknowledge or take responsibility for her inability to secure a relationship, or her contribution to why it didn’t work? Please, by all means, flood the comments with such examples.3 Would love to be wrong!
I remember one note by Lirpa Strike (who’s stuff I like!) a few months back, asking men to list examples of times a woman didn’t take accountability for her negative actions.4 I think she expected to find very few true cases, or a lot of he/said, she/said, but as the replies grew, men gave example after detailed example—some of them truly shocking in terms of the actions and consequences involved—of women dodging accountability when they were clearly responsible for really bad shit.
Point is, we’re not just making this up…and the problem is, a person who can’t admit fault, can’t correct fault.
Do men complain about women? Sure. But no one cares or takes them seriously, nor do we absolve them of their role in their discontent (rightfully so). And we don’t see articles in the NYT or WSJ about how women regularly flake on dates, have become too picky, or blow up their marriages at an alarming rate.
To affect a better outcome, we have to take responsibility for our choices and the results of those choices.
As I’ve written several times before, when me and my ex broke up in early March, I was significantly overweight and drinking too much. These things were my fault, among other reasons things didn’t work out. Moving forward, I knew I had to lose weight and get healthy if I wanted to date attractive women, which is precisely what I’ve done. Because I took OWNERSHIP of my faults and corrected course, I’m back in the game and having a great time.
Let’s be honest, right now there are tons of women out there who would be far more successful finding a man if they did exactly what I did: lose weight, stop drinking so much. Or if they lowered their standards. Or if they learned to show men greater value by offering more sex, care, affection, support, and kindness—aka value. Or if they examined how they behave on dates to show more interest and be more seductive. Or whatever it is that’s causing them not be successful in entering into or maintaining healthy relationships.
But like alcoholics and addicts before hitting rock bottom, many single women can’t admit there’s a problem. Worse, unlike the alcoholic who will eventually hit rock bottom, most women won’t. Instead it’ll just be a slow decline into copeville as they age out of the romantic marketplace. Because it’s always the man’s fault, and these women refuse to take accountability—nor will anyone ask them to.
To state the obvious: this is bad…for women. It’s bad for men too, of course, but because we hold men accountable, they are at least aware of their shortcomings. And for any men out there watching that sad-boy porn on TikTok, Reels, or Shorts, stop! It’s cope and you know it.
In any case, you won’t hear any excuses from me, nor do I allow them from my clients: get in excellent shape, upgrade your wardrobe, learn social skills, and give yourself lots of opportunities by asking out a wide variety of women. If they’re too picky, I tell them so. If they’re failing to get second and third dates, we talk about what they can do to affect a better outcome. We never, ever, ever blame the woman. We control what we can control, and work on finding attractive, kind, fun women.
Women should want to do the same! Like, if we want our female friends, daughters, sisters—hell, even our moms—to have healthy, vibrant relationships with men, we have to start holding them accountable for their choices.
Wish I could say I’m hopeful we’ll see a change here at some point, but not holding my breath.
Namaste my accountable readers. Looking forward to any feedback you have on this!
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I will grant that society looks more favorably on women who have boyfriends or husbands, but the typical refrain is: “but you’re so smart and beautiful—what is wrong with men these days?”
Perhaps the greatest trick modern society played on women is to allow them to believe their wealth and status would aid them in attracting men. As a general rule it does not, because men are primarily attracted to fertility—a woman’s youth and beauty (education and occupation does help on the margins, however, as Cartoons Hate Her has noted). However, it’s also because women find the prospect of offering their wealth to support a man anathema. Otherwise we’d see rich, powerful women courting attractive men and promising to take care of them monetarily, but this is exceedingly rare.
Not reels or TikToks about how she cheated on the nice guy, or won’t date nice guys—that’s neither an honest, nor heartfelt admission of fault. It’s just “broken person porn”, another unfortunate sub-genre of social media culture.
Notes makes it extremely hard to find old posts, which is the only way it’s worse than Twitter. Either that or I’m a dumbass and will someone please show me how to find this? It’s always preferable to cite one’s sources.
Excellent. Great post. If you follow the videos posted by these women after they blow up their marriages (and doing it is a TikTok trend now; women love trends), you’ll discover they follow the almost inevitable course below:
The stages of Post divorce women:
1. Angry they can’t find a good man. Blame bad dating pool.
2. Upset only young men are interested in them.
3. Getting run through by young Chads taking practice shots, and they pretend it is a flex.
4. Sick of being pumped and dumped by young men, anger and bitterness set in again. Dating becomes transactional looking for finances.
5. Die alone with boxed wine and cats.
Yes it’s simplified, but countless “dating coaches” and “post-divorce influencers” follow the track to a tee. Promiscuous Sex in the City lifestyle begins. But getting used in bed yields no commitment. Soon it’s only the young guys and they say how weird it is. Then they brag about how they can still pull the young studs (who are just there for fun)… then the angry posts begin.
Also they want a guy their own age. But men in their 30s and 40s aren’t dating a woman their same age. They go a decade younger for less baggage and a more adventurous, happy spirit.
Divorced women in their late 30s and up have a new normal, men a decade older or more. The men that pay attention to them (the way they used to be appreciated) are 10 or 15 years older. They don’t like it, but that’s the new reality for divorced women in dating. Some of them accept it and get married again.
This is when the complaints about men dating younger come out. They start to call it “predatory“ and “creepy”, which it isn’t at all. Every man values his peace. A younger woman comes with much less baggage, and frankly the older divorced ones come with a lot of debt, anxiety, antidepressant meds, children, a host of problems. Honestly, youth adds to a woman’s beauty the way that wealth increases a woman’s attraction to a man. She’s not chasing a broke man. And he’s not chasing an old woman.
lol, I deleted my Notes history about two weeks ago, so unfortunately the note just no longer existed when you looked for it. You didn't go crazy! Now I wish I had it, because I want to read through those comments again. You are right that I did not expect as many varied responses as I got. I was asking sincerely, though, not as a "gotcha," because I was baffled. I think that while some of the examples seemed extremely obvious after I read them, they were things that I hadn't thought of as having anything to do with "accountability," but some other negative thing, so for a lot of those it was just like, "duh, but how does that answer my question?" until I realized how it made sense. Maybe I took screenshots, I'm gonna go look.