Girl Game 101: Identifying the Problem

The "other" double standard, and how it hurts women

Note: I’ve restructured this as 101 and the other post on Girl Game as 102, because this is absolutely the first thing women who are single and don’t want to be should internalize before proceeding to other strategies.

To solve any problem, we first have to identify its cause.

“Why isn’t my car starting?” for example, is a problem with a number of possible causes. We would probably start with the most likely reason—dead battery—and go from there.

But what if we couldn’t admit the car wouldn’t start in the first place? Or, what if we blamed the car not starting on someone else, and then waited for them to fix it? Would the car ever get fixed? Probably not.

Dr. Psych Mom and the Other Double Standard

Allow me a quick digression to introduce fellow substacker Dr. Psych Mom. She’s 100% honest, transparent, and very, very smart—clearly an expert in the psychology, anatomy, and chemistry of relationships. And her posts, while surely not the intention, make excellent arguments for why men shouldn’t get married. Why? Because according to DPM, nearly every problem that can happen in a marriage requires singular action by the man to solve. The woman is (mostly) blameless, without agency to make things better.

Now of course, men must take responsibility for their marriages and actively look to avoid and solve problems—no argument there. But a lasting marriage requires responsibility, agency, and buy in from both partners, including the woman. As I’ve pointed out, if both partners aren’t deadly serious about their commitment, cooperation, and compassion for each other, marriage is a terrible idea.

But to the point about cars and batteries, Dr. Psych Mom mostly won’t say this, nor will you hear it in the media or from most public figures. Why? Because the idea modern women should have to show up or perform in any way, for men, in anathema in our culture.¹ So, while DPM is correct in her analysis about what is going on, her solutions are almost entirely focused on what the husband should do, rather than the wife.

The good news is that smart women who stay married don’t buy this narrative. They know they have to show up for their husbands, that relationships are the medium in which value is exchanged, and are reciprocal, quid pro quo. Almost all men know this too, because from a young age we are taught to sacrifice, serve, and do nice things for women. Good men take care of, provide for, and protect not only the women who love us, but all women. Indeed, the indication of a strong, mature man is that he takes care of others and helps them however he can.

I bring up DPM because she’s a good example of the double standard that is obvious once you see it, and yet taboo to bring up—namely, that we don’t hold women accountable in the same way we hold men accountable when it comes to sexual relationships. It’s rare that relationships fail because of only one person—more often it takes two to tango. In other words, things didn’t work because both people made mistakes and didn’t show up for each other.

But women often don’t hear this. For example, after a break-up, what are people likely to tell us based on our sex/gender?

• To men: you need to get your shit together, you got fat—like do you even exercise or lift bro?—you shouldn’t have stopped your side hustle for her, you didn’t take her on enough dates, you didn’t make enough money, you’ll be lucky if you can find another one like her, you should’ve been more empathetic and emotionally available, you totally blew it, like do you even go to counseling?

• To women: he didn’t deserve you, you were too nice to him, you were too patient, you were right to leave, you deserve a better man, you look great just the way you are, don’t blame yourself for not wanting sex anymore, he was too old/young/short/xyz anyway, he was too emotionally unavailable, he was a narcissist, everything will be OK…

When a woman isn’t successful in a relationship or can’t find one, she is often shielded from her role in the dysfunction. Told she deserves better.

Men, however, are told the harsh truth. We’re lucky in this regard, because it allows us to improve and become better men, more capable of having success in our next relationship. It’s a double standard that hurts women, even if it comes from a place of kindness.

Indeed, one of the last vestiges of misogyny in our society is a general unwillingness to be honest with women and treat them as adults who are capable of making adult decisions and living with the consequences. Look no further than the paternalistic age gap discourse: like, somehow 18-year-old men (and women) are mature enough to serve as soldiers in the military and die for their country, but 18-year-old women can’t decide who to have sex or relationships with? That is a bizarre and wildly inconsistent moral belief to hold, and yet it’s prominent in our culture.

To bring it back to the car that won’t start—men are told it’s their fault, whereas women, mostly, are not.²

Assuming Agency and Responsibility in Love and Relationships

The takeaway here is quite simple: figure out, ladies, what you can change.

The first thing I do with my male clients is an assessment of their relationships and overall success with women. We examine everything from their physical attractiveness to their social skills to their presentation, i.e. making sure they’re dressed for success and have excellent pictures if dating apps are they way they want to go.

Women should do likewise:

• What can you do to improve your physical beauty and appearance?

• When you’re in social settings, on dating apps, or using social media, what can you do differently or better to attract high quality men?

• When you’re on dates, or in a relationship, what can you do to retain high quality men?

Common Example: “He’s Intimidated by my Job/Accomplishments”

No. This is pure cope. It’s the cope-iest cope that ever coped.

No man doesn’t want a sexual relationship with a woman he’s genuinely attracted to because he’s intimidated. Men are simple animals: if you’re fuckable, he will persist in trying to fuck.

So get to the real questions: do you run your dates like board meetings? Are you cold and standoffish? Do you ask him questions about what he’s interested in, or what he likes to do? Are you kind, warm, and flirtatious? Do you delay or prevent sexual escalation from happening? Women think it’s bad to have sex early on when dating, but it’s just the opposite! If he likes you, as soon as the two of you have sex, he will like you MORE. That doesn’t mean you have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but a big reason anyone seeks a romantic relationship is because sex one of life’s most enjoyable experiences, and yet it’s impossible without being in one (unless you pay, but that’s different).

This is a perfect example where women don’t take responsibility for what they could change about dating by making it the man’s fault instead of their own—and everyone, especially other women, go along with the cope.

As I tell men, we can’t change the environment of the romantic marketplace, so we have to take power into our own hands and change what we do as individuals. If you’re not having the success you would like to have, what can you do differently to affect a different outcome?

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1. For Men is an important distinction, because of course society does have a lot of expectations for women when it comes to other things, like getting married, having children, having a super high powered career, etc.

2. If you think I’m being unfair, I offer even harsher criticism for men in multiple posts—nearly every single one in the Dating and Relationships section.