Short Term Emotions vs. Long Term Planning
One way to think about emotions is that they are instincts. This is how most animals function: if they feel scared, they run away or hide. If they feel hungry, they search for food. If they are lustful, they look for or attempt to attract a mate. They are filled with love when they are safe, and filled with anger or fear when they are threatened.
We’re not so different except for our big, beautiful brains. Because at some point in human evolution, we learned it was more useful to spend the time crafting a bow and arrows than to keep throwing the simple spears we could more easily carve from tree branches we found in the forest. We put aside the hunger, or fear, or anger we might have felt, whether we needed weapons for hunting or protection, and chose to spend our time planning for the long term, understanding that this was the wiser choice—more likely to lead to our survival and success. In this way, those who could set aside their emotions to make smarter long-term decisions—those who had bigger brains or at least chose to use them—were selected for by evolution, and this explains why our species is so intelligent, why we are tool builders, and why we form social, political, and economic organizations for the benefit of all.
Of course, our emotions still remain—and that is good, because they are a huge part of what makes us human. However, like in our evolutionary history, they are still often wrong, perhaps even more so because the vast majority of us are no longer fighting for our daily survival. Social anxiety is a perfect example. At its height, it’s a crippling fear of talking to and interacting with other people, typically people who are our peers and are overwhelmingly friendly and kind. In other words, nearly 100% of the time, the feeling of fear social anxiety provokes is completely absurd. That’s not to make light of it or suggest people are faking it—what they feel is real—it’s just that there’s simply no reason to feel this way.
To fix social anxiety, people have to learn that their fear isn’t warranted through exposure therapy: having regular, everyday experiences where they talk and interact with people and slowly come to accept there’s no real danger. This is true of any obvious fear or phobia. Once identified, steps can be taken to show the person their emotions are misplaced, and over time, they cease to be fearful because they understand there’s no reason for it.
How Emotions Cloud Good Judgment
However, we make short-term decisions predicated on our emotions all the time in ways that aren’t obvious problems—at least, not in a clinical way—and these emotions are often just as wrong as the feeling of fear someone who’s socially anxious feels. If we don’t examine the validity, or usefulness of our emotions when they occur, it’s possible we fail to understand that this is the time to craft our bow, rather than running into the forest to find another straight branch. As a result, we make financial mistakes, miss valuable opportunities, sabotage relationships, cause lasting damage to our careers or ourselves, or simply waste our most precious resource: time.
For example, I spent at least five too many years teaching—I knew it was time to do something different, but I dragged my feet. After all, summers off and a nice fat pension are good reasons to stick around. I was safe, there was no way I was going to lose my job, and I was comfortable. However, after only three years in the private sector, I’m already earning twice the 70K I made as a teacher, and even better, I mostly enjoy my job, whereas teaching had become miserable. If I’d switched when I first considered the transition, there’s good reason to believe I’d be making even more now. Not a tragedy—I’ve got plenty of time to make up for it—but I’d feel a little better about my 401K and Nvidia stock if I’d jumped a few years earlier!
How many people out there refuse to change careers for the same reason I did, and how much money—or happiness and satisfaction—are they leaving on the table? I’ve seen people get absolutely hosed by company policies, sometimes taking significant pay cuts, only to take it on the chin and keep grinding. It’s an admirable act, but few companies award bonuses for being loyal, and as I suggest, people should do what’s smart, even if it’s not the “right” thing to do. Remember, when people say do the “right” thing, they typically mean what will benefit them, not you.
Perhaps more tragic than mistakes we make in our careers, bad decisions based on short-term emotions are the reason most relationships end. Whether it’s the fear and/or anger inspired by a sudden job loss, a bout with addiction, a heated argument, or the lust that inspires a partner to sacrifice the fidelity of their relationship for fifteen minutes with a stranger, emotions are tremendously powerful in the context of relationships, because by their nature, relationships are emotional: we choose people because they make us feel good, safe, and loved. And in the immediacy of the current moment, the emotion calling to us, whether fear, anger, lust, or a lack of connection and love from our partner is all we can feel. The problem is that it is also likely impermanent and subject to change.
Life is long, people go through phases, and while time cannot heal all wounds, it does heal most. For long-term relationships to thrive, people have to accept that the other person is going to change as an individual, and with that change, there are going to be ups and downs—no relationship is always good and happy and peaceful and loving with zero strife or hurt or drama. That’s why marriage vows are reciprocal: “for better or worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc.” As is often cited, somewhere between 40-50% of all marriages fail, and women initiate 70% of all divorces. This isn’t to say women might not have good reasons to do so, but they would also be wise to understand that men are twice as likely to remarry than women. Think about that for a minute: it’s an extremely telling statistic. Indeed, given the rate of failure, I don’t understand why any couple would get married unless they’re planning to have children. If not for children, who will be better legally protected through marriage should there be a divorce, what’s the point? A couple can stay together as long as they want—they can even have a wedding ceremony and say they are married—but why get the state involved when you’ve got a 40-50% chance it’s not going to work out?
People also allow emotions to prevent relationships from growing in the first place. They let irrelevant factors attached to negative stigma and assumptions cloud their thinking, balk at physical escalation—or go too fast! They create rules intended to protect themselves from feeling, not realizing that in doing so, they’ve made being emotionally vulnerable—a necessary condition for love—impossible. They ghost people they’ve gone on dates or hooked up with because they don’t want to confront the reason they’re no longer interested, OR because they realize it’s not a good one. And we always believe naively there are plenty of fish in the sea. Paradoxically, this is both true and untrue, for while there surely are a lot of people who might fit the idea of what we’re looking for, everyone is competing for the most desirable among them, and who we mesh with in terms of personality is enigmatic to say the least. The field is reduced even further when we complicate romance with irrelevant factors such as age, height, religion, whether the person has kids, and/or politics. Unless any of these are extreme problems, they have no bearing on the attraction, connection, and the beneficial qualities someone can offer us, which are all that really matter when it comes to love.
The Trap of Choosing Comfort Vs. Acceptable Risk
Regardless of how our short-term emotions affect our jobs or relationships, there’s an emotional trap we all fall into throughout our lives: comfort. What is common and known is safe, and therefore comforting. We all have a favorite ice cream flavor, sandwich, or meal, because we know what to expect and we know it’s going to be good. But once we exit childhood, we begin to realize that it’s fun and exciting to try new things, and that more often than not we should order the best thing on the menu according to the server or chef, not what we feel most comfortable ordering.
Being adventurous and taking risks is good for life too, provided the payoff is worth it and the risks aren’t things from which you can’t recover. We can always return to comfort. When I took the risk of changing careers I knew I could always go back to teaching if I didn’t like what I found in the private sector. The same is true of anything: if you move to a new city, you can always go back home. If you date someone who’s not typically your type, you can always return to dating people more in your comfort zone. If you go to college, you can always switch schools, or pivot to get a job whenever you want. Once we make a choice, we should go all in, because even if it’s the wrong choice, we will gain valuable information we can then use to make better choices in the future.
And sometimes the only thing to do is take a risk, because the status quo, while comforting, isn’t working. For example, if your relationship is on the rocks, why not try something wildly different to see if that changes the dynamic and re-ignites your love? If you’ve started a business but you’re consistently in the red, what harm can come from radically altering tactics in a way that might change the results? I need to write a whole post and/or do a pod on this at some point, but the results we get in life float downstream from our process. Process > Results. If the process is good, the results will come. So if the results aren’t satisfying, or are just plain bad, then we have to change what we are doing process-wise.
Play the Long Game; Build Your Bow
When making choices as you navigate life, keep the long term in mind. Are your feelings leading you in the right direction, or are they causing you to make a decision that will be counterproductive to your future self six months, a year, five years, or even ten years from now? Are you passing on an opportunity that’s unlikely to arise again because it means taking a risk, or pushing past your fear or trauma? Are you stuck in a job, relationship, or life that is boring and unfulfilling because it’s comfortable? Are you failing to find success in your career or relationships because you’re afraid or unwilling to change tactics?
This may be the time to ignore those flighty, fidgety, fearful feelings in order to build your bow and become a more effective, happier, and successful human—to value your long term goals over those short term emotions.
Happy Sunday—hope it’s a fun day for you fam! Namaste!
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