Influencers aren't NORMAL people: what we see online is NOT a reflection of reality
By engaging reality and building resilience, we can escape the doom loop of the overly online.
Most people work normal jobs based on accomplishing concrete goals:
Designing, engineering, or constructing a building, facility, database, hardware, or software
Sending emails or making phone calls to help current clients or win new ones
Holding meetings to discuss business strategy and review metrics
Developing/improving new and existing products
Troubleshooting IT or building logistics and communication capabilities
Training current or new employees; administering accounting, payroll, or benefits
Attending conferences to network and learn new skills
Delivering packages, passengers, or freight to their destinations
Teaching students or treating people for medical issues
These tasks and activities can be quantified. At the end of the day, week, month, or quarter, we can measure whether these things were done, or not, and to what extent we achieved our goals.
For influencers, however, the only goal is to perform: to get attention, at any cost. There is no real job—no timely task to complete, no true client to satisfy. The only metrics are the number of views and followers one can accumulate and monetize.
Influencers don’t care if they’re solving a problem or delivering value. That’s not the goal. In fact, it’s better if they don’t solve problems, because if they did, they wouldn’t have anything to talk about. And to the extent that promoting dysfunction and destroying social cohesion wins attention, influencers are happy to do it.
This is really bad. We have an entire suite of people who are dedicated, full time, to stirring up shit, provoking conflict, weaponizing sexuality, and inflaming social discord in the name of attention and monetization. And there are hordes of part timers trying to join them, or doing it just because they like the attention.
Not all influencers of course: there are comedians who make us laugh, fitness and diet gurus offering tips on health, and other influencers who allow us to travel with them and see parts of the world we might never get to see on our own. Not as valuable as the electrician who makes sure we have access to the grid, but at least they’re delivering value to their followers.
But they too, aren’t NORMAL people. Most of us don’t get to sit around all day telling jokes, working out, or traveling the world to the acclaim of adoring followers. And yet, the more time we spend on social media, the more we come to believe that influencers are presenting the world as it is—that this is an accurate reflection of reality.
It is not.
The world we see on social media is less than 1% of people presenting the most bizarre, infuriating, or sexy content they can produce—or are dumb enough to post—or those who repurpose that content to comment on it.
Podcasters do it too: it’s just less outrageous in audio. We think they’re doing us a service by talking about societal problems, interviewing the same experts every time someone writes a book on problem xyz, but then what? Do they go before Congress to advocate for better/different policies? Do they promote people who have ideas to solve the problems they decry? No, of course not. Because again, if we solved the problems they talk about, what would they talk about?
Take the current conflict between men and women in today’s romantic marketplace— what makes for better content: teaching men and women to be kinder to each other, practice grace, and remember the humanity of all involved, or showing viewers men or women bragging about cheating on their partners or ghosting people after sex? Clearly it’s the latter.
And this is true of every issue.
What benefits the tech-bro, anti-establishment crowd: getting to the bottom of the science about vaccines and having productive conversations about how to solve problems like homelessness, or promoting disbelief and skepticism and cynicism about institutions, experts, and science?
What benefits the far left, identity politics crowd: talking about how the conflict between Israel and Hamas is complicated and recognizing it’s not just traditionally marginalized groups who are struggling in today’s society, or casually throwing around words like genocide, oppression, racism, and sexism and blaming all our problems on capitalism and the patriarchy?
We know the answer for each: it’s better to promote anger, antisocial behavior, and conflict between groups.
This is why our society is losing its humanity, where we don’t blink at treating other people poorly or viewing the “other” with suspicion—because from everything we see on social media and hear on podcasts: they deserve it. It’s their fault.
But it’s not.
Normal people are kind, decent, earnest, and hardworking. The single mother who’s working two jobs doesn’t have time to make TikToks about how her ex is a narcissist. She’s working or taking care of her kids. The resident doctor isn’t dancing in her underwear for likes and followers. She’s treating her patients and learning her craft. The truck driver for Amazon isn’t shouting online about how he’s been mistreated—he’s looking at his manifest to see where to deliver the next package.
And yet, when they have free time to listen to podcasts, or get off work, what do they see on Reels, TikTok, and Reddit? A fucking shitshow. And if they don’t have much contact with many other people during their day—and many of us who work remotely or alone do not—they come to believe that this is an accurate portrayal of the way things are.
But it’s not.
We discover this the moment we walk out our front door. The more we talk to and interact with people face to face—IRL, as I like to say—the more we see that most people are good, trying to do the best they can to help others and enjoy life. We watch our kids play baseball on weeknights after work. We meet friends at the local taphouse for beers and good conversation. We go on dates, hoping to find a connection—and most of us go with clear eyes and open hearts. We help our aging parents with yard work, have family dinners and reunions, watch sports together, go to concerts, and spend time at the beach or hiking in a local forest.
I’m writing this at a coffee shop right now. A young mother comes in and one of the baristas who knows her runs around to hug the kids. Two older gents are sitting at a table across from me, catching up, discussing the state of affairs. A few of us are on our computers, working here to escape the home office. An older woman orders coffee and buys a T-shirt and a bag of beans to give to a friend for her birthday party this afternoon. There’s a group of college kids outside: one’s got a sweet blue electric bike, while the others rap with each other in designer sunglasses and baggy jeans.
It’s beautiful. People being people: enjoying the company of others and the communion of community. It’s not perfect. Surely everyone here has worries and troubles. But it’s exactly what we need. Being happy doesn’t mean we don’t have problems—it’s about being together with others, knowing we don’t have to face those problems on our own.
It’s when we’re alone that we’re vulnerable, when our troubles bubble up to the surface, and so we turn to our phones for solace, or maybe just a distraction from our boredom. It’s there we find the influencers who speak to the hurt we feel—the algorithm makes sure of it. And when we have a bad date, get blamed for something at work that isn’t our fault, see our extreme politics come to life on billboards and bumper stickers and lawn signs, or don’t get the requisite love and attention all human beings deserve, it’s easy to indulge this hurt by blaming someone else—by projecting our discomfort or dissatisfaction onto some group, social dysfunction, or political ill, so that we can feel better.
“It’s not your fault,” they say. “It’s them.”
And they’re right about the first part. It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault when someone treats you like shit.
It’s not your fault your city can’t build enough housing and has become an open air drug market full of addicts and the mentally ill.
It’s not your fault your job pays just enough for you to live paycheck to paycheck.
It’s not your fault people are killing each other in Ukraine and Gaza and other places the media ignores.
It’s not your fault a minor injury can bankrupt your family.
It’s not your fault it’s hard to know who to believe or what to do. It’s all very confusing.
But where the influencers are wrong is that blaming others for the hurt we feel isn’t a solution to our problems. It’s cope. And it only makes things worse, because it prevents us from taking positive steps to improve our lives and navigating the world with optimism and a pro-social mentality.
Because most of the people we’re made to feel angry at are: JUST. LIKE. US. They’re normal people trying to get along the best they can, and 99.9% of them have no more power to change things than we do.
Focus on what you can do: agency, action, and resilience
The world is not zero sum. We can all win and get more of what we want if we learn to cooperate with each other and put in the work it takes to accomplish our goals. But sometimes life is hard, and it’s often the case there’s no one to blame—it’s just the way it is. We should remember, always, that life today is far better for most of us than at any other time in human history. But this is easy to forget when our expectations outstrip reality.
We should remember too, that quitting—giving up—is not a heroic act. It’s not cool or justified or even understandable. It’s pathetic. Our ancestors took spears in the chest…and survived! Our ancestors were taken from their tribes and raped brutally by their captors…and they survived! And now? Many people can’t bring themselves to look someone in the eye or say “good morning” when walking down the street. Grown men and women say they’re going to quit dating because a first date doesn’t go perfectly, or for the mere possibility another person might not like them. And we have a significant number of young people who say they can’t listen to anyone who has different ideas about the world than they do…because it’s not safe?
What the fuck are we talking about.
Say what you will about Boomers and Gen X, but at least they have some backbone and fight and resilience. I’m so sick of the constant groveling about trauma we see on social media, the normalization of acting as if the smallest inconvenience or ordinary disappointment is some great fucking tragedy that requires years of therapy. Can everyone please grow the fuck up?
Life is beautiful, but it requires three things: agency, action, and resilience.
Accept responsibility for the things you can change
Set about changing them
Persevere through difficulty—nothing truly worth having is easy to get
Being mad at people we don’t know, who are presented in the worst possible light on social media—or who aren’t real at all (people are now using AI to make up fake controversies)—isn’t going to make our lives better. It makes us miserable and powerless. Likewise, catastrophizing every small setback or problem we face in life only makes things worse. Far worse actually, because at some point we’ll all face things way harder than someone being mean to us on IG, not getting a job we interviewed for, or having a bad date.
But that’s not what the influencers of podcasters will tell you. They will tell you the world is terrible and all the little shitty aspects of life are tragic indications of society falling apart and there’s nothing you can do—just make sure to smash that subscribe button so you don’t miss the next episode. Be sure to follow so you don’t miss the next contrived controversy, the next two minute hate, the next example of the group you want to blame for your problems behaving badly.
Because that’s their content. And they desperately need your attention.
But remember: these are not NORMAL people, and the world they present is not NORMAL.
It’s a performance. An illusion. And it’s preventing us from becoming better as individuals, and solving our problems as a society.
Namaste my fellow normies.
You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!
The great majority of “influencers" are losers who couldn’t hold a real job IF they could get one. A true scourge on society.