Comments Open, Plus Notes on Dating, Taking Action, and Marriage

One of the dumbest decisions I made in launching this project was making the comments off limits for all but paying subs—so ya boy changed his mind! Comments are open on all posts and pods, except for the paid posts. So if you’ve got something to contribute, please do! Even if it’s to tell me I’m wrong about stuff—actually especially if you think I’m wrong about stuff! Don’t worry, I’m a big boy, I can take it. Only thing I ask is to keep it civil and constructive 🙏

On a related note, I posted a comment on another substack earlier this week about marriage, and was told I was “mansplaining.” Honest question: when does a man talking about something become mansplaining? After all, I never asserted that I knew better than her because I was a man, nor was I disrespectful, so like?

There are three possibilities here:

1. Anytime a man says anything, it’s mansplaining

2. Anytime a man says something a woman disagrees with, it’s mansplaining

3. Mansplaining is causal misandry, similar to how calling a woman shrill is casual misogyny

My ex-GF used to complain that men often “manspread” when sitting down until I pointed out to her that we have balls and a dick and that shit has to go somewhere. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, curious to have someone explain that one to me—preferably a woman!

Is Manifesting the same as Prayer?

Somehow, because the algorithm on IG clearly doesn’t understand what I want to see, I came across this story.

Seems like a lot of money for what might be total bullshit!

I don’t want to write a whole post on this, so I won’t. But I do have a few questions:

• Is manifesting the same as prayer? If not, how is it different?

• Will manifesting allow short men to get taller, help poor men make more money, cause fat men to lose weight, or make skinny men gain muscle?

• Does manifesting help women become more attractive to men? If so, how?

In all seriousness, if manifesting, by proxy, causes women to adopt behaviors—like working out, being more open minded, forgiving of minor flaws, and showing up, both in person and communication—that help them meet the sort of men they would like to meet, I’m all for it. Men and women are different, and where men are attracted to step-by-step, action-oriented methods of self improvement, women experience the world differently and (seem to) prefer spiritual and emotional approaches. So maybe manifesting is the just spiritual equivalent of more traditional vectors of self improvement?

After all life is spiritual, and we too often ignore that. There are some things that cannot be explained through logic or science—mysteries and events and coincidence that escape rational explanation. I have a Sagittarius tattoo on my right forearm because the shoe fits. I’m also a Christian, and despite my flaws and shortcomings, God has answered many of my prayers. So I’m not opposed to manifesting in that sense—I just call it prayer—and I’ve found that God mostly answers my prayers when I truly deserve it, or need Grace because I’m in a tight spot.¹

The Roman Stoic, Seneca, is reported to have said, “luck is when preparation meets opportunity,” and in my experience that’s true. If manifestation is the ability to capture luck when preparation and opportunity collide, I’m all in (although I don’t think they’ll let me attend, nor do I need a man).

However, if manifesting means paying $80 to believe you’ll get something you don’t deserve and haven’t prepared for, it’s just snake oil—selling people their own hope. And that is one of the grossest things a person can do.

Why Most People Don’t Change: The River of Life

A good friend told me recently I need to be more patient, and he’s right. My dad has been telling me that my entire life, starting when he first took me fishing, and unfortunately it never took. I get especially disappointed when I see people make poor decisions, because I assume they are making conscious, purposeful decisions, and have the information to do better.

But that’s wrong. Most people think they’re doing exactly what they should be doing almost all of the time, including me—and we often don’t think about it that hard or consciously. Even if we have doubts, we do what is comfortable and easy. We go with the flow and move with the crowd.

This is why it’s actually useful to have something really bad happen at least once in your life—like breaking a leg, losing a job, or ending a long-term relationship.² Because it interrupts the river of life most people float down without thinking about where they’re going or if they actually want to go there. This dovetails with my theory that people like drinking and drugs because they want to numb themselves to the bullshit, or because they need to get into a different headspace to escape.

It’s a good reminder to examine our lives every so often and ask: is this actually what I want to be doing? What opportunities am I missing given my current decision making process? If I’m not happy or satisfied with life, why? What’s missing? It’s important to paddle our boat to shore occasionally and ask ourselves, “where is this river is taking me? Do I want to go there, row on the far side, or take a side channel somewhere else?”

Why a Strong and Stable Marriage is so Important

I wrote recently about how people should think about marriage and what they can and should do if that is something they want, but I forgot to mention, I’ve officiated two weddings: I married my ex-wife’s sister to her husband, and one of my best friends to his wife. It was honor to be chosen and a joy to conduct the ceremonies.

The reason I believe so firmly that marriage is not something that can or should be lightly thrown away is what I’ve seen in my own family. For example, my mom has had some terrible luck with her health recently. I won’t share the details out of respect for her privacy, but she often has multiple doctor’s appointments per week, has endured several surgeries, and on it goes.

Luckily, my dad has been her champion the whole time. Taking her to appointments, managing her schedule, helping her with her treatments and medication—he’s been nothing short of heroic. But it’s not fun. It’s a lot of work and stress and hassle, and there’s no sign it’s going to get any easier anytime soon. He does it though, because he truly loves my mom and he is honoring his vows to her. And it’s a beautiful thing to see.

Similarly, I saw my aunt care for my uncle before he passed away tragically young from cancer in the same way. She had to watch him waste away before her eyes after they’d finally built their dream home, staying by his side until the end, even though she knew it was never going to get better. But she stayed positive and helped him as best she could. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that had to be for her, but she did it and endured. Why? Because she was honoring her vows.

That seems like the obvious right thing to do in both cases—because it is—but the casualness with which many people are willing to throw away their marriages today speaks to the fact it is not obvious to many. This is precisely why if you get married, you have to be willing go through hard times for your partner…because you would want them to do it for you in your time of need.³

Hope y’all have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend! Namaste!

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You can get in touch with me at jallengetbetter@gmail.com, DM me on Substack, follow me on IG, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

1. If you prefer a non-monotheistic frame, replace God with Goddess or The Mystery Beyond or the Great Spirit.

2. Not wishing tragedy or misfortune on anyone, but if it does happen, it’s a good opportunity to reassess.

3. And as I note, if you don’t want to do that or endure the hard times, it’s OK. But then, you shouldn’t get married, because when you get married to someone, you’re promising that you will be there like my dad is for my mom, or my aunt was for my uncle.