Put Yourself in Their Shoes
No, really, do it!
People talk a lot about empathy, but what does it actually mean? In most cases, when people say they have empathy for others, what they actually mean is that they have sympathy for others.
Empathy: the ability to share and understand the feelings of another
Sympathy: feelings of pity or sorrow for someone else's misfortune
“Oh, that person over there is an alcoholic—I feel empathy for them.”
No, you don’t—not unless you’re an alcoholic or addict of some kind.1 What you mean is that you feel sympathy for them. You understand that their addiction is hard and has caused them problems and setbacks in their life, and you genuinely pity them. And that’s good! Sympathy is good! We should absolutely express compassion for those who are in bad circumstances, or who have behavior defects that make it harder to function in a conventional way. I feel sympathy for every homeless person I pass by on the street—but I can’t possibly understand what they experience, because I’m lucky enough to have never been homeless.2
Empathy, in some cases, is impossible. We can’t ever truly understand or share feelings or experiences that are alien to us. There are problems that come with being rich and famous, but when we hear rich and famous people complaining about those problems, it’s hard to feel any sympathy for them, let alone empathy, because like, they’re rich and fucking famous, and to most of us, that sounds pretty great!
Life is, after all, relative. Much of our happiness depends more on whether our expectations are in line with the reality of our circumstances than the material facts of those circumstances. If I’m a 5’3” dude who weighs 145lbs soaking wet and expects to play in the NFL, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. On the other hand, if I accept the fact this is unrealistic, I can focus my attention and energy on doing other things where physical size and strength is less of a factor, and be supremely happy doing those things. This is a common problem when it comes to dating and mating: the first thing any single person should ask themselves is whether they’re bringing the same level of value to the table they expect to find in a partner. If not, then the reason you’re single is because your expectations outstrip reality.
A good level set in terms of expectations is to express gratitude. Start basic: you woke up today. That’s good! A hell of a lot better than taking a dirt nap. Now proceed from there. If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and don’t lack for food, you're doing better than billions of people in this world. If you have a steady job, even better. Whatever you have beyond this—try to be thankful. I say try, because it’s hard! We're hardwired as humans to want more and focus on the negative rather than positive aspects of our lives. But it’s likely that if you’re reading this, life isn’t so bad, and it can get so much better! Indeed, that's the point of GetBetterSoon.
The power of perspective
Back to empathy. Because we can’t truly empathize with everyone given their circumstances, I’ll trot out the old cliche: try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What does life look like from their viewpoint? Why are they behaving the way they are, and why might it be rational from their perspective—or at least, why might it be emotionally understandable?
Take the snowboard bro I wrote about recently. His behavior was unbelievably stupid, but let’s view it from his perspective: he wanted to ride up with his friends and not other people. There are potential reasons for this: maybe they were going to smoke a joint and needed to pass it around, or drink some beers. Maybe he was going through a really hard time because his girlfriend just broke up with him, and he wanted to talk to them about that. Maybe he wanted to tell a dirty joke or talk about something he couldn’t while riding up the lift with people he didn't know. Maybe he’s super anxious and has a hard time around people he doesn't know. Maybe he was simply unaware of lift line etiquette.
As you can see, there’s a limit to what we can know about why someone does what they end up doing, but there are always reasonable explanations. Once the crowd jeered, he flipped us off, and the lift attendant called him over, he refused to comply. Maybe he’s gotten away with that behavior before because his parents or teachers didn’t set boundaries, or because society in general has become soft and overly permissive, and he thought he could do it again. Maybe he was just drunk or high and not thinking clearly.
Now, none of this is to excuse his behavior, but it does become more understandable. The beauty of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is that once we see there are potential reasons for their behavior, we can forgive them for it. Since I’m doling out cliches, it’s good to remember that everyone is dealing with something no one else knows about, carrying burdens or pain that affect how they experience and navigate the world. Unless we are being purposefully reflective and open-minded, or are experiencing depression, anxiety, or sadness, everyone thinks everything they believe is right and they’re behaving exactly as they ought to behave. Indeed, I’d argue that we are often acting without thinking consciously about what we are doing—that is, we are reacting emotionally to our current situation and circumstances, rather than rationally deciding what we should do or say next. That’s a wild realization to come to, but it’s true.
This is why putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes is most important when that person is pissing us off—the guy who cuts you off in traffic, the unfriendly cashier, the micromanaging boss, the homeless person screaming outside the restaurant. All of these people are behaving exactly as they think they ought to behave—or reacting emotionally without thinking about anything at all. And there’s a reason for it. Might not be a good one, but there is a proximate cause for their actions, and it’s worth trying to understand what that is.
Why bother with perspective?
At this point you might be asking: why? What is the point of putting myself in the shoes of someone who’s being an asshole, or worse, causing me harm or problems that I now have to deal with? Don’t they deserve my disdain?
Two reasons:
Understanding leads to solutions. Take the boss who’s micromanaging: maybe you should talk to them about this, or talk to their boss and explain why that’s not helping you be a productive employee. Seems to me that the guy who’s screaming on the street in front of the restaurant—in a compassionate society—ought to receive medical and psychiatric care. No one likes to see homeless people littering the streets of every major American city, but until we build more housing, provide care for addicts rather than incarcerating them, and build a society with more living wage jobs, that’s how it’s going to be, and every single person in this country is responsible for that outcome to a lesser or greater degree.
It prevents us from becoming what we dislike. It prevents us from becoming angry or irrational and exhibiting the same behavior we find offensive, hurtful, or just plain annoying. The other day I was at Safeway trying to use the stupid app they desperately want us to use to clip a few coupons. Problem was, the app wouldn’t let me take a picture to get the deal. Instead, I just took a picture with my phone, and showed it to the cashier when I went to check out. He then explained he couldn’t give me the deals, because they had to go through the app. For a moment, I felt myself getting frustrated—after all, it’s not my fault the app wasn’t working, and didn’t they want me to buy those products because they were on sale? But then I reminded myself: this guy can’t do shit about this problem. It’s not his fault the app doesn’t work. Hell, he’s probably as annoyed as I am that his corporate masters did away with normal coupons. And what was I going to get mad about really? Five bucks? Silly. So rather than make a big scene about it, I said, “no worries, not a big deal” and moved on with my day.
So while it’s a good idea to attempt to have empathy for others simply to be a better person, this isn’t just an exercise in altruism: there are real, tangible benefits to this practice. Your life and relationships will be far easier to manage if you can put yourself in the other person’s position and make a genuine effort to see what they see.
Lest I come off preachy—and, this goes for everything on GetBetterSoon—I'm far from perfect when it comes to doing this! Far too often I find myself judging other people, thinking they’re dummies or worse, evil, and viewing them with disdain. I need to do better! And I hope you will too.
A final note on perspective
Some people are bad people, and sometimes good people commit acts that are objectively evil—that is, unnecessarily cruel or harmful to others. Furthermore, everyone is, at times, selfish in ways that have negative downstream consequences for others, and then there are also the pitfalls of cowardice, complacency, and cynicism that I wrote about in an earlier post. Now, it’s probably still worth trying to understand why people might exhibit these behaviors, but we should never excuse them. And when someone tells you who they are, whether in their speech or deeds, you should believe them—but that’s a post for another time.
Your Challenge: This week, when you encounter someone who frustrates you, take a moment to imagine their perspective. What might be happening in their life that explains their behavior? How might seeing their point of view help you respond more effectively? Try it once and see what happens—I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments.
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Science is beginning to help us understand that people are very different in terms of how they react biologically to food, drink, alcohol, and drugs. If you’re skinny, good job, but it’s likely because you don’t have the same biological drive an obese person has to eat, not simply because you’re a better person who has more self-control. To the point: it’s far easier for you to control how much you eat than it is for other people who have trouble with their weight—or maybe you just have a faster metabolism. Same is true of drugs and alcohol. The degree to which people desire to use these substances is highly variable, and it’s pure solipsism to suggest otherwise. That said, we all still do have a choice, and need to exercise self-control—this is just much harder for some people than others.
If you want to say “unhoused”, fine, but quibbling over language to this degree is moronic. Changing how we talk about things doesn’t solve the underlying problem. I’m pretty sure any homeless person doesn’t give two fucks what you call their circumstances—it’s shitty, regardless of what we call it. So, rather than focusing on how we talk about stuff, we ought instead to try to solve the problems. There’s a post upcoming on this very topic.
Love this one, just a really constructive way to move through life