Apology and Forgiveness are Super Powers
I’ve done a lot of really stupid things in my life, and some of those stupid things have impacted other people negatively. I’m not a violent man—I’ve only ever been in one fight, and that was when I was in college and some of my fraternity brothers got into it with guys from another frat, and it was all very stupid as you can probably imagine. Luckily no one was seriously hurt, partially because me and some other dudes from both frats realized it was foolish and moved from throwing punches to breaking it up.
However, despite my physical appearance, I have a side of me that looks more like the stereotype of a hot-tempered Italian than a gentle giant. I’ve said and done things out of anger that were short-sighted, dumb, and hurtful as a consequence.
The good news is that there’s another side of me that is willing to own his speech and actions, and apologize when I’m in the wrong. I’m grateful that my friends and family members have been willing to accept these apologies, so that we could move on with our otherwise good relationships. Had I been stubborn, or waited for them to apologize (it often takes two to tango after all), these relationships would have deteriorated, and that’s a lose-lose for everyone.1
We’ve all done shitty things in our lives, if we’re being honest. Whether gossiping about others, claiming something we didn’t deserve at the expense of someone else, taking offense when it wasn’t given, assuming malice instead of ignorance, or being just plain mean, no human on the planet living now is a perfect angel. We are all flawed. That is what it means to be human. That and our mortality are why the Greeks believed the Gods envied us.
We have two choices when this happens: we can be pig-headed and stubborn, refusing to admit fault, OR, we can own up to our mistake and offer a sincere apology. The latter is the way to go, because apology is a super power. It means we have the chance to be forgiven for our transgressions, and renew our relationships on the basis of mutual respect and goodwill. It’s also just the right thing to do—even if the other person won’t accept your apology (which is a tragic and debilitating character flaw we’ll come to), you can at least move forward knowing that you’ve done all you can to make amends.
Indeed, sometimes it makes sense to apologize even when you’re NOT wrong. For example, back in December, my company badly blew it on an order from one of our most valuable clients. It was our fault, but what was so frustrating is that I had started ringing the alarm bells about the order back in October, and the people in charge of managing orders, for whatever reason, didn’t correct the matter.2
However, when the client informed me she was going with a different vendor and canceling the order, I raised the issue to our C-Suite, and in the meeting we had with my bosses, I was told that this was at least partially my fault, even though I’d done everything I could do that I was aware of from my position to fix the problem. Guess what I said? “I’m sorry, I will do better and look at ways that I can be a more effective account manager going forward, and work with the client to see if we can win back their business.”
I’m happy to report that we did indeed win back their business, and though it felt shitty to offer an apology when I’d done nothing wrong, it was the right thing to do. It showed my bosses that I was willing to take ownership of managing our client relationships and work on becoming a better account manager. It also allowed me to avoid throwing my colleagues under the bus, thus preserving our good relationship—and that’s important because I need them to help me!
I should clarify here what an apology means—it’s two-fold:
A) We have to ask for forgiveness, identifying what it is we did wrong.
B) We have to promise not to do it again, and prove our sincerity with action.
Saying you’re sorry and then going right back to the shitty behavior you apologized for isn’t an apology. It’s a lie. And, depending on the transgression, it may take some time of proving that your apology is sincere through action before the person can truly accept it.
There are also times when you should not offer an apology, and that’s when admitting fault will only make things worse. Legal matters are an obvious example: there’s no reason to give the other side any evidence they are likely to use against you. It’s also true, unfortunately, in politics—I’m reminded of Al Franken getting Me Too’d for a stupid photograph he took, which was obviously a joke, though in poor taste. It’s too bad, because he’d probably be President now if not for that moral panic, but then, we live in an age where the Left continues to insist on committing own goals.3
Remember, don’t tell anyone anything they don't need to know.
Forgiveness is Divine
On the flip side, we should be willing to forgive a person who offers an honest apology, provided it’s followed with corrective action going forward. Holding grudges is not a good way to go through life: it saps our energy, inheres negative thoughts and energy, and is a trait we find in people with poor character. Immature people hold grudges, and people know to avoid them.
As with apologizing, being willing to forgive allows us to renew our relationships and show the other person grace. It’s how we show them we are trustworthy and loyal. Not only that, a person we forgive is quite likely to be kinder and more generous going forward—indeed, it’s often the case that after making amends one way or the other, the relationship is strengthened.
Likewise, we should sometimes forgive people even if they don’t ask for it. When someone’s wronged us, we carry it as long as we choose: until we forgive them. Now, it may take some time, and as I noted in a previous post, this is something I need to get better at myself. But at whatever point you feel like you can, forgive that person, even if just in your own mind, and trust me, you'll feel better for it!
As with apologizing, there is an exception to granting forgiveness, at least partially. While it’s always good to forgive someone in your heart, there are also times when that forgiveness doesn’t warrant continuing the relationship. For example, I had a friend in high school I won’t name who hooked up with my girlfriend at the time. After some time, I forgave both of them, though if I remember neither of them asked for it. But then he continued to do shitty things: making me look bad in front of girls I was interested in, playing mean pranks, and never reciprocating my generosity. After some time, I realized that this was simply his nature as a person, and I stopped interacting with him. On multiple occasions, he’s attempted to rekindle our friendship, but every time I’ve told him, “that’s gonna be a no for me dog.” Goes to show that once someone shows you who they are and shows no sign of changing, we should believe them.
I want to be clear here that this is only if they show no sign of changing. Part of forgiveness is giving the other person an opportunity to make amends and change their behavior for the better. If my former friend had offered an honest apology, owned the negative things he’d done to me, and made a promise not to behave that way going forward, I would’ve been open to his friendship. Unfortunately, that never happened.
Finding Grace for People We Disagree With
We should try, if we can, to find grace for those we disagree with on morality, social norms or values, and political issues. As you know if you’ve read much of GetBetterSoon, I don’t like Donald Trump—there are a lot of reasons for this, but for starters, it’s because he seems to be a man who is neither capable of apologizing, nor of granting forgiveness.4 I can understand why he would not apologize on some matters related to politics for reasons stated above, but it would have been really nice to see him forget his petty grievances against people who opposed him—or were in charge of prosecuting him for the obvious crimes he committed—and get on with being a good President instead of using his powers to persecute them. I cannot honestly understand why anyone who calls themselves a Christian can support this man, given that he so obviously despises Christian values.
However, a lot of Christians do. Hell, a majority of Americans voted for him. Does that make them bad people? Not remotely. Most people are good and want to do good things, and that includes people we disagree with. I’m sure a lot of people who like Trump think I’m the crazy one who’s not embracing Christian values—and they have their reasons. Recall that most of the time, everyone thinks that everything they believe is right and they are behaving exactly as they ought to behave.
So instead of looking for places where we disagree with someone, or focusing on the most outrageous controversy, we’re better off to look for positions where our views converge.5 Despite the notion that we’re super polarized as a nation, my experience is that if you sit across the table from almost any other American, you’ll a find a lot the two of you agree on: the cost of housing, college, and healthcare are too high, inflation sucks, war is bad, taxes are unfair/too high for normal, working people, and people should mostly be able to do whatever they want provided they’re not hurting anyone else.
We seem to have forgotten that we’re all on the same team…right? We all want a government and society where people can thrive and pursue happiness, however they see fit. We obviously disagree on how to get there, but that goal is all but universal.
So if you can find it in your heart to do so, reach out and apologize to someone you’ve had strife with recently. Forgive them if they were in the wrong: let it go and move on with a clear mind, unburdened by the transgressions of others.
Because truly, the ability to apologize and to forgive are Super Powers.
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If you wait for the other person to apologize, you might find yourself waiting a long time—potentially, forever. Indeed, if people were quick to apologize and forgive, this post would be entirely unnecessary. Alas, that is not the case.
To be clear, this was ignorance and confusion, not malice–they're really good people, and people make mistakes. Shit happens.
Yes, it was a moral panic. There is no doubt that many women experience sexual assault in our society, and we should do everything we can to prevent this from happening. However, during Me Too, many men lost their jobs and/or were cancelled on the basis of false accusations, and some cases, like with Aziz Ansari, were labeled sexual assault when if you read the supposed victim’s own version of what happened, it was clear that it wasn’t. As I wrote in my first novel, Cherry City Pulp (in the process of re-editing, so that will be available once again if you’re interested), injustice begets injustice. When we penalize people for things too harshly, or for things they didn’t do, it serves to undermine, not strengthen, our cause.
He also does not respect the rule of law and has already violated people’s Constitutional Rights in the first two months of his administration, and I can’t emphasize enough how incredibly dangerous that is—the rule of law is what makes our society and economy function as it does. Without that, we’re at risk of losing everything we hold dear.
Social media is the worst on this, because you can always find someone from either side of the political spectrum who has absolutely insane views or is a total maniac, and then hold them up as if this is how everyone is on the Right or Left.