“If you have sex on the first date, he’ll put you in the short term bucket,” quoth Dr. Debra Soh on Modern Wisdom recently.

Soh is an incredibly intelligent, accomplished woman, and I highly recommend her work—the interview with Williamson is worth a listen as it illuminates so much of what’s going wrong with sex and relationships in the Smart Phone, Dumb Person Era.

But sometimes people get shit wrong and it’s worth calling out. Not in the hair-on-fire, Chicken Little manner you’ll find on the far right or left, where someone being wrong is devastating proof they’re the spawn of Satan, as we so often see on places like BlueSky and Twitter.

No, sometimes people are just wrong, because they misspeak, or don’t understand the topic fully, or whatever. Or maybe we just have a fundamental disagreement. People are different and have different experiences that inform their beliefs and opinions. And that is actually OK—we’re fully anti-cancelation here at GBS.

However, it’s still important to correct the record, so here we go:

Having sex on the first date can only help the woman secure a relationship. It will never hurt her.

This is probably an astonishing thing to hear someone say, especially for most women, because it flies in the face of their felt experience as well what most women tell other women about having sex on the first date, namely, something along the lines of what Soh says: if you have it too soon, he’ll discard you.

But this totally misunderstands how long term relationships form, and men generally. I know because I am one, and because I’ve spoken to thousands of men specifically about mating and dating, along with having coached nearly a hundred at this point.

Here’s the thing: men…like…sex. Shock! Horror! But seriously, we do, so a woman showing us she’s willing to have sex sooner rather than later is actually a fantastic signal to the man in question, because it means:

1. She (probably) likes sex

2. She desires him sexually—this is a strong signal of genuine attraction

3. She’s not in the habit of leveraging sex as a means of manipulation

4. She’s not jaded by previous experiences of one night stands

5. She’s open to the experience of love and dating, not following a scripted plan

I could go on, but you get the idea: these are all excellent indicators this woman will be an amazing partner, should the man want to partner with her. So why is it that women experience ghosting and/or fail to claim a relationship with the men they desire after having a one night stand?

There are several possibilities:

1. She isn’t special to him in terms of youth/beauty and the other qualities men desire in women—to be blunt, she gets discarded because she’s going after a guy who has far higher value than she does. This happens a lot because of how dating apps and social media distort the Romantic Marketplace in women’s favor, but even more so in favor of the top 10% of guys most women are chasing after.

2. Sex was the only good part of the date. Men will put up with a lot of shit to get laid, but if everything leading up to it was a miserable experience, he will not want to do that again. But NOT because of the sex—it’s because everything else that shows him she’s not going to be a good long term partner.

3. He’s an immature douchebag who doesn’t know a good thing even when she slaps him right in the dick—or in this case, sits on it. But not having sex with an immature douchebag who’s not ready for a relationship will not transform him into a grown man who’s ready to be husband hero. The key is to avoid these guys in the first place, which we’ll come to.

Now to be clear, I’m not saying women should have sex on the first date—they should have sex whenever they want to for the ordinary reasons one would want to have sex.

But the notion women shouldn’t have sex early on in a relationship because it will cause men to “put her in the short term bucket,” is completely wrong. It’s irrelevant. The problem is upstream of this.

So what can women do to avoid ghosting after sex?

A) Choose men who are a similar level of value to themselves. I know this is hard and runs counter to the female desire to choose the most attractive, high value men available to them (aka hypergamy), especially through the markets of dating apps and social media, but the simple fact is that men aren’t going to engage in a long-term relationship with a woman who’s not sufficiently attractive vis-a-vis his own value and experience.

Like, if he’s the 6-6-6 women are chasing after, understand how rare that is—are you bringing commensurate value to the table? If you’re not in at least the top 10% of his options in terms of youth, beauty, and the other feminine qualities men care about, like kindness, softness, intelligence, and support, while he might not pass on sex, he’s going to pass on the relationship.

I wish this weren’t so, but I’ve done this before—it’s one of the reasons I don’t like dating apps. Because for guys it’s so hard to match with a woman of equal value, but then you get horny, decide to give the girl a chance, and whether you have sex or not, in the end it’s just never going to work. Because the foundation of mutual value isn’t strong enough to support a long term relationship.

And no amount of making a man wait is going to change that. Making a guy wait doesn’t transform Suzie Six into Sydney Sweeney, and it never will. To drive the point home, consider that the reverse is also true: Sydney Sweeney having sex with a guy on the first date doesn’t transform her into Suzie Six. Like, why would a guy put a woman he’s super attracted to into the short-term bucket because she has sex with him on the first date? He wouldn’t. He’s going to want to see her again and make her his girlfriend.

B) Once you’ve selected a guy of similar value, then regardless of when sex happens, show him in the dating phase what it would be like if you were his girlfriend. Show him how you’d add value to his life. I’ve written an entire post on how to do this.

And by the way, if you find the concept of adding value to a man’s life off-putting, then you don’t want a relationship with a high quality man. Like, surely you expect him to add value to your life, right? Shouldn’t he expect the same?

C) Avoid the immature douchebags who aren’t ready for a relationship.

Easier said than done, but there are several heuristics women can follow on this:

1. Guys in their 20s, especially early 20s, are going to be less likely to be ready for a long term relationship—this is especially true of the tallest, best looking in this cohort, because they are the most sought after, so they’re going to be way more picky in the first place. The exception are younger guys who’ve already had long term relationships, like a high school or college sweetheart, or guys who are super career driven and don’t have time to be players.

2. Guys in their 30s and 40s will be more likely to want to settle down—key thing to look for is IF they’ve had at least one or two long term relationships before. It’s not necessarily disqualifying if he hasn’t, but if he’s good looking and has a decent career, he’s had options, so the fact he’s never settled down is a red flag, more so the older he is. Ironically, for some women it’s a turn off if the guy’s been married or has kids, but these are both actually really good signs he’s a relationship oriented guy. So, if you can get past the goldilocks desire to have everything just right, these guys are excellent candidates for long term relationships and marriage.

3. Prioritize guys you meet IRL. Why? Because if he’s done the work to approach you, get your number, and ask you out, he’s way more invested than if you meet on a dating app or through social media. It’s also more likely you’re a match in terms of value, because if you weren’t, he wouldn’t have approached or you would’ve turned him down. Additionally, it’s a sign he’s not using dating apps or social media to meet women, so he’s not exposed to the constant hamster wheel of these mediums turning people into commodities rather than flesh and blood human beings.

4. Does he read? Have interesting hobbies? Have a side hustle or ambitious plans for his future? Or does he spend a ton of time playing video games, watching YouTube, or is otherwise addicted to his phone, doesn’t have much to say, etc. Like, if he’s spending a lot of time on IG or Tik-Tok, he’s not a mature man nor is he on the path to becoming one.

This is also true for you. Women who want to have a serious, long-term relationships shouldn’t be spending a ton of time on social media, especially if it’s posting thirst traps to get validation and attention from other men. Like, is the kind of man who’s looking for a serious partner going to want his girlfriend or eventually, his wife, to be obsessed with Tik-Tok and IG? No.

Relationships happen when there’s a match in value, when the man and woman find each other mutually attractive and have enough in common to enjoy each other’s company and have fun together.

When sex happens doesn’t change any of that. Indeed, the real danger is if it doesn’t happen soon enough, because that is one of the main ways people bond. It’s fine to wait until you feel ready, but the longer that time spins out, the more the guy is going to wonder: is this woman actually attracted to me? Does she even like sex? On a long enough time frame, he’s going to conclude both answers are no and dip.

Food for thought.

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has alleged several times now that young men being told they can’t get women until they get older is a form of intrasexual competition the same way women (wittingly or unwittingly) use the terms “pick-me”, “de-centering men”, and the “age-gap” panic to fool other women (and often themselves) into fumbling with men for fear of social ostracization.

But men don’t need to do this. Nor, generally, do we. Because the way men compete for women is direct and overt: typically by gaining status, wealth, or showing ourselves to be bigger, stronger, and more powerful, whether physically or socially. We learn to be funny, entertaining, interesting. We compete in deeds, not words. As points out, basically everything men do is for sex, from starting bands to learning comedy to trading crypto to playing sports and so on. We used to literally go to war over women. And it’s all out in the open for everyone to see.

Archwinger’s Substack

Everything men do is for sex; Everything women do is for status

There’s a really old Greek story about some magic golden apple that fell from a tree guarded by a monster. The apple was addressed to “the most beautiful woman in the universe” or something like that. All of the female goddesses wanted that apple because they all thought they were hot stuff. This one nerdy Greek dude snuck past the beast and stole the a…

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5 months ago · 119 likes · 35 comments · Archwinger

We buy nice houses and cars. Why? To impress chicks.

We learn cold approach and endure rejection. Why? Because the small chance of success is worth risking the strong likelihood of failure.

Guys spend money learning how to use IG and dating apps—to get laid (which is the obvious precursor to having a relationship with a women; if she doesn’t want to sleep with you, then by definition it’s not a sexual relationship). We buy nice clothes, learn how to style our hair, and adopt archetypes…to get laid. Some of us even hire dating coaches or take expensive courses from random people on the internet. Why? You guessed it.

For women, getting laid “just happens.” For men it’s purposeful: you don’t stumble into bed with a hot chick on accident—it only happens if you make it happen. This is true even for supposed “naturals” (of which there are actually very few from what I’ve seen—most guys like this know exactly what they’re doing). As I’ve written before, we know what we expect of men and everyone complains when men don’t do what we want when it comes to sex and relationships, but no one expects anything of women (so far there are zero comments on this post from women on what men should expect from a woman in a relationship—ZERO).

What men don’t do is spend a bunch of time trying to get other guys to give up.1 Our time is much better spent making ourselves more attractive to women. Besides, it would be pointless. A guy who is motivated to get laid will move heaven and earth to get laid. He will learn, study, practice, and train, sometimes for several years if that’s what it takes.

To use myself as an example (definitely not a natural), after I got divorced I was too fat, had no idea how to use dating apps (still not the modality for me), was living for a time in a shitty apartment, and then even gulp with my parents for summer while I figured shit out and made the arrangements to get a better place downtown. I didn’t get laid for over a year, and the first few women I hooked up with weren’t what I was looking for long term (nor was I really ready for that anyway having just gotten out of an eight year relationship). But the whole time I was hitting the gym hard, tight with my diet, and spent nearly every second outside of work or writing my second novel to learn cold approach: watching hours of YouTube, reading every book and blog I could find on the subject. Initially I got rejected again and again and again. This went on for months of trying, approaching hundreds of women. I didn’t get my first date from cold approach until August of 2018 (divorced in late 2016), but nothing was going to stop me from learning this skill so I could meet the kind of women I truly desired (read: hot ones).

At first it was extremely difficult, but the more I worked on myself and my Game, the easier it became (by late October 2018 I had more women interested in me than I knew what to do with)—it taught me there was nothing I couldn’t do if I put in the requisite time and energy to achieve a particular goal. This also happens to be why I started this blog: to encourage people to get better, in whatever arena of life they want to improve.2 Because I know it’s possible. I’ve done it.

On the flip side, a lot of guys—more and more these days—have given up to become gooners or whatever it is they do. But I don’t have to convince them to give up, nor does any other guy. Modern women do a far better job of that than men could ever hope to do.

If we cared to do it. Which we don’t.

Because that’s not how dudes work. Look at all the time and energy guys like me spend writing blogs or books, publishing podcasts, posting on YouTube, etc, trying to help guys do better with women. There’s an entire cottage industry built on male improvement with the explicit aim of getting guys laid. Why? Well for some, surely because it’s profitable. But it’s also a labor of love. Men ENJOY helping other men, whereas from what I can tell, women spend a ton of time and energy trying to STOP other women from doing well with men, which is unfortunate. For men, however, other than getting laid ourselves, there is nothing that gives us more joy than helping a buddy, client, apprentice, or student get laid.

Because male sexual competition is overt. If I’ve gotten myself to the point where I can consistently do well with women, I’m not threatened by other men—if they can steal a girl away from me, there probably wasn’t anything I could have done to keep her (for any number of reasons), and in any case, there will never be a shortage of women for high quality men. Why? Again, because women—especially today—have done such a good job of making it so difficult for average guys that many give up because they think the delta between where they’re at and where they need to be is so vast they can’t ever hope to close the gap.

This isn’t true my brothers!3 What it takes to become a high quality man isn’t easy, but if you continue to chip away and work on yourself, it is inevitable. And this is especially true for younger guys: women in their 20s would generally prefer to date a guy close to their own age. CHH is right about this—no doubt. Yes: a lot of younger women will still date those of us in our 30s and 40s, but it’s a bigger lift, especially now that older women have successfully propagandized so many younger women into being freaked out about age-gap relationships despite the obvious benefits of dating an older man.

But see, that’s the point: that kind of shit wouldn’t work on men. Like, in a way, this is the true mark of a grown man: he wants what he wants, will do anything to get whatever that is, and doesn’t care what other people think…Do you think Leonardo DiCaprio cares that older women complain about the hot 23 -year-olds he dates? Do you think Bill Belichick or Al Pacino or any number of older male celebrities care what other people say—or even just your random run-of-the-mill guy in his 40s who happens to be dating a younger woman? Of course not. And no amount of complaining or propaganda will ever change this.

From what I’ve seen in life, one of the primary differences between men and women is that men do what we want, whereas women often defer to doing what they think other people want. And the former is a much more direct way to be happy and fulfilled in life, because instead of constantly second guessing everything I do, I can just do what I want. Sometimes that’s taking my mom to lunch, or volunteering for a charity, or giving a homeless guy some food. Doing what you want doesn’t mean everything you do is selfish. It just means you do things because you genuinely want to, not because it’s what you think other people want you to do.

So much easier! And there’s nothing stopping the ladies out there from adopting this mindset!

But in any case, young guys—go get it. Stop gooning, start spooning! Namaste my young kings!

If you want help, subscribe to the blog and read my paid stuff. You also get a free hour consult with me on whatever you want to talk about, and if you want we can set up a coaching course to help you get better with the ladies.

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Everything is about sex, except sex; sex is about power. — Oscar Wilde

The biggest problem with social media and the internet writ large is that they allow large swaths of people to escape, obscure, and ignore reality. This is bad because reality is like gravity: you can pretend it’s not there, but you’ll still break your leg or die if you fall off a cliff.

Online delusions run rampant in nearly every direction, giving every tin-foil hat conspiracy theorist a platform to spout nonsense about all kinds of things—forget the whales, apparently now it’s shrimp we need to save? Forgive me if I’m not up to speed, but I’ve found it far better for my own sanity to ignore rather than indulge nonsense.

There is one species of hallucination I find particularly odd, and that is the extent to which people are prepared to fuck around (and find out) with concepts of sex, gender, and sexual attraction. What’s particularly bizarre is that these aspects of our humanity are both central to who we are and obvious in their manifestations—it is truly, for most humans, the equivalent of denying gravity.

Because from the moment we begin transforming into sexual beings, the desire we feel toward those we’re attracted to is as plain and powerful as feeling hungry or thirsty—and for most of us, like 95%+, this desire is directed at the opposite sex. And the differences between men and women are unmistakably distinct.

I can see how some people can convince themselves to believe in conspiracy theories about COVID or The Freemasons or Hollywood Elites—because wealth, power, influence, and politics are hard to understand and disentangle—but to confuse sex, sexuality, and gender takes a massive dose of cognitive dissonance and outright delusion.

This is surely why the trans-project has never gone over: it’s not that most of us can’t believe some small percent of people don’t identify with their biological sex, or that we want to discriminate against anyone on that basis. It’s that to accommodate the trans-activist ideology, we’re asked to pretend not to see things we can plainly see, and ignore obvious differences between the sexes central to the human story and experience.

Internet women: hold my beer…

Lately there’s been a similar move among internet women, who are pretending not to need or care about men. And yet all they talk about are…men. Because no matter how hard they want to deny their desire for muscles, testosterone, confidence, and bravado, women are biologically geared to be attracted to and want sexual attention from men.

I laugh every time an article comes across my timeline by an author who claims she’s de-centering men by not being good in bed, talking shit about her friend’s boyfriends or husbands, shaming pick-me’s, or how she and other women are quiet-quitting life (wtf does that even mean?). Because in every one of these posts, men are central to the story. We are the topic and subject, the cause and effect, the alpha and the omega.

Take the the recent uproar over whether having a boyfriend was cringe…what was it about, ultimately?

Men.

This was sponsored by three groups of women:

1. Influencers and hot chicks who have boyfriends or husbands, but don’t post about them because they don’t want to lose (mostly male) followers.

2. Sad girls throwing a pity-party because Chad turned out not to be the man of her Disney Princess dreams.

3. Professional cope-stars who can’t get a boyfriend—either because they are too picky or trying to out-kick their coverage—and don’t want to see other women who are successful with men because it’s a reminder of the man-shaped hole in her life she can’t fill.

And all three are desperately trying to win approval from other women in the attempt to deny their own nature, wittingly or unwittingly partaking in sex-negative intrasexual competition and poisoning the waterhole for all of us.

Watching women continually work themselves into a lather on Substack, IG, or TikTok over the topic du jour (red flags, icks, de-centering, pick-me’s) is both hilarious and kinda sad, like watching lemmings drive themselves off a cliff for no good reason other than the desire to blindly follow the herd (friendly reminder: the ones who survive are those who don’t jump).

Because it’s still all about men. Even feminists spend like 97% of their energy on men. And of course, all these internet women could prove me wrong immediately. Anytime. Super easy. You could just…

But we all know that’s not going to happen, and that’s the point: if women really didn’t care about men, they wouldn’t spend all their time talking about us.

I’m going to make a friendly recommendation: STOP.

Stop denying you’re attracted to men. Stop denying you’d like a boyfriend, want to get married, or just want some good dick. It’s a waste of energy, and prevents individual women from acktually getting whatever it is they want from men.

I know this will come as shock to everyone on the internet, but complaining doesn’t solve problems. It might feel good, and can be useful insofar as it allows one to vent and be rid of negative emotions, but it’s not going to change the underlying dynamics that cause us distress. The guy who was shit in bed was shit in bed, but that’s not a colossal, world-ending tragedy, and complaining about it doesn’t have anything to do with the next guy, who may be fabulous. Women too often make the identity politics mistake in dating, like “that guy was named Brad, so no more Brads” or, “that guy was older, so no more older guys” or, “that guy rode a motorcycle, so no more motorcycle bros”—and the logical endpoint is, “that guy was a man, so no more men.” Or…maybe, just maybe, none of them have anything to do with the others, sometimes things just don’t work out, and your next relationship with a man named Brad will be fucking amazing.

Women disappoint men too, and on social media, men are exposed to huge numbers of women behaving badly on purpose (exploitative, cheating, teasing, flaking, or just plain mean) by nearly anyone’s standards. But this is not the norm. As I’ve noted before, most women are normal, good, and want a man as their primary life partner. The shrill cries and doomerism from incels is just noise: insecure dudes who think whining will solve their problems. But we all know it won’t.

And yet, social media is convincing a lot of women to adopt this same incel strategy: the desperate hope that people will care and come to your rescue if you throw a fit, take your toys, and go home. But no one cares, and the guys you could’ve had are going to get swooped by the women smart enough not to fall prey to this mindset.

The existential crisis of losing a partner, or not being able to find one in the first place.

From what I can tell anecdotally, it seems the proximate cause of male derangement syndrome for a lot of women comes from two circumstances:

1. Going through a break-up

2. Not being able to find a suitable man as a partner

The mantra “all men bad” solves neither of these problems, nor will it remove your desire for a man. What works instead?

Let’s consider what we would want a man would do in either case, instead of complaining on social media (imagine how pathetic that would be):

• After a breakup or divorce: he goes to the gym, redoubles his efforts at work, takes a few months or even a year off dating, deletes or ignores social media. He doesn’t swear off women, nor does he blame his previous partner for the dissolution of the relationship. Instead, he looks at mistakes he made that caused problems, seeks honest council with his friends, potentially starts therapy or engages a mentor to help him become a better man going forward.

• If he’s not able to attract women into his life: he makes a point to get in great shape, improves his social skills, hires a dating coach, learns a new hobby, levels up his wardrobe and style. He might also re-adjust his standards and adopt a more realistic expectation of the women he can attract who are of similar value to himself.

Women in either of these situations would be wise to adopt similar strategies.

And let’s also be clear about what we would not want men to do? Rot in bed, scrolling through social media, bathing in misery and self-pity.

As a species, we’re biologically designed to seek mates. It’s the primary thing we’re born to do! It’s why women wear makeup, shave their legs, post on IG, dress slutty on Halloween, etc. It’s why men go to the gym, start bands, become entrepreneurs, learn pick-up, etc. And it’s OK! This is the way it be! For most humans living on earth, the opposite sex is central to much, if not most of what we do in life. The sooner we accept this and get on with it, the easier life gets. The game exists whether you choose to play or not, and if you choose not to play, you still lose. Wouldn’t you rather learn to win and get what you want?

Good, because it’s not that hard: be zen, go with the flow. Accept the fact you like men, and then do what you need to do in order to attract the kind of men you want into your life.

This is the way.

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

Party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, rake like an all-star. — Jason Giambi

I live in a college town, and I can tell you, the world does not need more shitty mustaches. Young men haven’t gotten the memo. They all have the same haircut too, short on the sides, big mane down the middle. It’s a polarizing look to be fair. But when they all do it collectively, paired with the otherwise blah zoomer wardrobe of baggy jeans and ironic t-shirts, worthless. Like they all signed up to play the same joke. Guess who wins that game? The tallest, fittest, best looking, most socially competent guys.

Fashion is for women in the sense that style changes and there’s an intense desire to fit in and win social acceptance. They all look the same too—it just doesn’t hurt them in quite the way it does men, because when it comes to appearance, male attraction is triggered by facial beauty, youthful appearance, hip to waist ratio, and of course, her other secondary sexual characteristics 😉.

Granted, women could learn something here too: the other day I saw a chick all decked out in Victorian era garb—it was hot! And while I get that square-waisted, baggy pants are in, the women who wear more form fitting jeans, yoga pants, or skirts are going to get way more attention than their more “fashionable” peers, but I digress…

Men need to stand out, or as Orion Taraban says, they become wallpaper.

Why does the peacock have his shiny plumage, the lion his massive mane, the elk his magnificent antlers? It’s a show of dominance. And it’s precisely these traits that help him attract female attention. A woman does not want a man who’s the same as all the others—not a good, ambitious, smart woman, anyway. She wants the exception to the rule.

So be polarizing. Evoke a strong reaction. Be an original. We don’t want to provoke offense or ostracism through our presentation, but there’s a fine line we want to ride, right on the edge. Better to have a look that is off putting to nine women but triggers strong desire in one, than to be mid to all 10. Recall the basic female dilemma: most of the options she has in terms of men are to her mind and experience, mediocre—very hard to distinguish between the good options and the bad, and even more so if they all have shitty mustaches, lion’s mane haircuts, and dress the same.

For those who’ve read The Game, you’ll know the term peacocking, a style the famous PUA Mystery embodied with his elaborate robes, top hat, black fingernails, and all the rest. It’s called peacocking because the bird’s beautiful feathers make him an easier target for predators. The fact he’s able to survive despite this shows his fitness—the bug that becomes a feature. It’s the same reason women are attracted to high testosterone men. Testosterone is an immune inhibitor: the higher the level of testosterone, the weaker a man’s immune system. Like the peacock, the fact he’s able to survive and thrive nonetheless shows his fitness and makes him more attractive as a mate.

This is why getting jacked is not an option—it’s a necessity. Big muscles, broad shoulders, and low bodyfat are displays of fitness; the outward display of high testosterone. And in America today, how many men are in great shape? Not many, and those who are stand out. Women like to say they want dad bods, but that’s pure gaslighting—don’t believe it for one second. Look at the movie stars and athletes they “ooo” and “ahh” at: they all have low bodyfat and big muscles.

But once you’ve got the body, you gotta have the look, so let’s get into it…

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Now that I’m a bit older and less snobby, country’s definitely in the mix. There’s a zen to country’s celebration of life’s small pleasures, the simple beauty of ordinary events, the earnest struggle in making things work out day-to-day, the heartbreak we all experience. I lean more trad and 90s than bubble-gum, pop country, but there’s a super catchy song by Kelsea Ballerini called “Heartfirst” that’s absolutely brilliant.

Lyrics:

Met him at a party
Accidentally brushed his body
On the way to get a drink at the bar
I couldn’t wait ‘til later
Talking in the elevator
Then we’re kissing in the back of the car

[Pre-Chorus]
That voice in my head says to slow down
But it can’t see the way you lookin’ at me right now
It may not be next week what I need
Then again, maybe it might be

[Chorus]
Could be forever or we might break
That’s just the kind of risk that we take
My head is yellin’ that I could get hurt
But I’m gonna jump right in, baby, with my heart first

There’s more, but you get the gist, and she’s right: we have to throw caution to the wind when it comes to love. What she leaves out is that the risk looks different for men vs. women.

Women risk sex without commitment (“We might break” and “I could get hurt”…but “that’s just the kind of risk we take”)—that they’ll develop genuine desire and attraction for a man they sleep with, but is unwilling to offer the relationship they want. Typically, this is monogamy moving toward marriage; most women want a steady boyfriend who could potentially become a hubby. In the past, this was much less likely, because when people meet in-person—whether at work, a bar, or through friends—they A) tend to looks-match, and B) are more accountable for bad behavior (this is certainly true in social circles, but even if you met at a neighborhood bar there was a fair chance you’d see that person again). However, now that a lot of dating happens through apps and social media, bad behavior (such as ghosting after sex) is far more common (especially given the underlying dynamics of how men and women use the apps)—but that doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking for the woman who has this experience.

Men, on the other hand, risk wasting time, energy, resources, and emotion pursuing a woman who either has no interest, or does until he fumbles by triggering her defenses and/or failing to spark sufficient attraction. It’s not heartbreaking, but exasperating, sometimes to the point of despair for men who don’t understand what it is they are doing wrong.

Put another way, in the beginning of relationships:

• Women bear the burden of attraction: can she maintain his attraction after sex?

• Men bear the burden of performance: can he use his time, energy, resources, and emotion to create a sexual relationship with a woman he finds attractive?

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Too many people are trying to out-kick the coverage.

Red pill bros like to talk about hypergamy—the idea women only date and mate with men of higher value than themselves—and clearly it’s a thing: we see it in the stats on dating apps, and women often express this preference explicitly on social media and elsewhere.

But while it’s true men are less picky than women, it’s still true that beautiful, young women get far more attention than their older, less attractive peers, and often from men who have no real shot at cultivating relationships with them—especially true in the age of the internet. How else can we explain the explosion of simping and the popularity of Only Fans: clearly, a lot of men would clearly rather spend their time, energy, resources, and emotion on women they know will never give them sex and/or a relationship, than women who are available to them IRL (which, IMO, is about as gay as it gets).

Aged Well

Rethinking Porn.

Note to readers: This would be a bad tab to leave open at work. And the audio version is not something you should listen to with your mom, kids, or priest nearby…

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9 months ago · 119 likes · 126 comments · David Dennison

Side bar: most of the genderslop on this site is WRONG.

Why? Because it’s written by people who are overly online and/or have been married for years, and have no fucking clue what they’re talking about because they neither in the game, nor inhabiting reality. Like, if your take on Gen Z is based on what you see on TikTok, you don’t know shit (Go talk to some: most are no different than you or I when we were in our 20s). This is why most dating advice and genderslop is either irrelevant or actively harmful: the writer takes their false perception of reality and then extrapolates a take meant to influence an outcome they’d like to see—their volley for whatever side they represent in the battle of the sexes—or that’s transparently a reflection of their own insecurities, like women who bitch about age gaps, or the men who snivel about the fact anything should be expected of them to get laid.

For example, men telling other men to stop simping isn’t intrasexual competition as Rob Henderson has alleged. We’re not telling guys to stop liking photos on IG or sending girls money so that we can do it. We’re telling them not to simp because it doesn’t work. In point of fact, men generally try to help each other get laid (the opposite seems true for women; ladies please correct me if I’m wrong, but 95% of the time it seems like y’all are trying to cockblock each other), but the only way to do that is to cut through the bullshit and fantasy to ascertain what women actually respond to (which is what the Red Pill is actually about, not what people think it’s about—another example of people writing about stuff they don’t understand), not what society or women generally would like us to believe they respond to.

To return to the point, in the age of social media and dating apps, both men and women have become too picky in terms of what they expect. And when people attempt to date people who are significantly more attractive than themselves, the greater the risk they’ll get hurt in the process (women), or have no success at all (men).

Why?

Because the way dating apps work, unless you’re willing to SIGNIFICANTLY LOWER YOUR STANDARDS as a man, you will not get very many matches. You may not get any. To start, there’s three of us to one chick on most apps, and she’s got more options than she knows what to do with—so guess how she’s going to filter:

1. Looks (read: pictures/video)

2. Height

3. Age

In practical terms, this means unless you’re very good looking, tall, and near her age, you’ve got no shot.

The flip side of this should be well known by now (because dating apps created a market of lemons): the matches men get on dating apps, unless he’s an absolute Chad 10/10 (and we should remember, there’s an even greater asymmetry because most women who are 8+ in terms of looks aren’t on the apps as they have plenty of other ways to meet high quality men), are mostly going to be with women he’s meh about in terms of looks—they aren’t going to be on his level.

So what happens? Over time, men get horny and lower their standards, women look up to see they’ve matched with a guy who is super hot in comparison to the usual matches, the two get together for a date, have a couple drinks, sleep together…and then the guy wakes up and thinks OMG WTF have I done, and because he’s a slimeball, he doesn’t have the courtesy to even text this girl, who’s got her hopes up for something more. A story as old as 2018.

I won’t defend this behavior, but it’s not entirely on the dude either. The ghosting is, but the fact the girl is trying to get with a guy who’s significantly higher value than her is also a problem, especially if she wants a relationship. Why? Because…

A man won’t commit if he can’t see you as his girlfriend.

Ladies, if you’re getting ghosted on the regular, it’s one of two things:

1. You’re dating guys who are significantly more attractive, or higher value, than you are.

2. You’re not showing these guys how you would make their lives better if you were their girlfriend, either because you’re withholding sex, or because that is the only thing you’re bringing to the table.

If in category one, it’s an easy fix: you’ve got to start dating guys who are a closer match in terms of attractiveness. Understand, you’re NEVER going to get a relationship out of a guy who’s significantly better looking/higher value than you. There was an article recently titled: A Sub-Standard Man is Worse than Death.

Fair enough, but the same is true if you replace “sub-standard man” with “unattractive woman.” In both cases, what counts as sub-standard or unattractive are subjective and relative to the individual at hand, but rest assured, just as women couldn’t bear to be with a man she considers boorish, immature, or unsuccessful, men won’t engage in long term relationships with women they find unattractive.

For men, attraction works something like this: “would I have sex with her?” multiplied by time/commitment. The higher the product, the more attractive she has to be. So while the number of women he’d have sex with once for zero commitment is huge, it drops exponentially when it comes to offering a long term relationship, living together, or marriage. It’s kinda like food: most people adults will try anything once, but if it’s not tasty, you’re not going to keep eating it. Like, I’ve tried salt and vinegar chips a few times—not for me. And because I know I don’t like them, I’m not going to keep trying. The point is that if you’re a woman who’s a six in terms of looks, you’re NEVER going to get a guy who’s an eight to engage in a long term relationship, no matter how many times you try.

For those in category two, once a woman rises above a certain threshold of physical beauty, it’s a question of whether she brings other qualities men value. Sex in 2025 is non-negotiable: if you’re not having sex with him in the first month or so, he’s eventually going to walk. Beyond this, being kind, feminine, sexy, enthusiastic, and supportive, are all qualities that differentiate a girlfriend from a fuck-buddy. So if you are dating guys who are roughly a match in terms of attractiveness, that is why you’re getting ghosted: he can’t see you as his girlfriend, because you’re not having sex, and/or you’re not acting like a girlfriend.

Remember, if you’re single it’s your fault, no one else’s, so let’s get to the dudes.

Overcoming limitations for men: clearing the bar, being realistic, and understanding modalities.

It’s actually not terribly different from the ladies in one respect: you’ve got to clear the bar in terms of physical attraction. Men are lucky in that women can become attracted to us over time based on our intelligence, personality, sense of humor, confidence, etc, but just as above: if she’s an eight and you’re a six, it’s going to be very difficult. See the post below if you’re wondering what it takes, generally, to clear the bar.

Also, since it’s a man’s job to manufacture dating opportunities, modality matters in terms of your standards.

• Dating apps: TL;DR—most guys will need to significantly lower their standards if they want to rely on dating apps. It’s very difficult to match with women who are on your level in terms of attractiveness, unless you’re very, very attractive. You need excellent photos and a lot of patience. You will be screened heavily for height and age. If you’re on the shorter side, it will be difficult generally, and if you’re on the older side, it will be very difficult to meet women more than five years younger than you (although as you get older this expands somewhat).

• Social media: similar to the apps, but here you have more of an ability to demonstrate lifestyle and it’s less explicit: age and height matter less because there’s no requirement to list these. That said, viable connections will depend heavily on your social circle and friends—if you don’t know a girl, and she doesn’t know you, it will be very difficult to get on her radar. I’d also recommend taking a course on how to use this properly, because the way I see a lot of guys use it comes across as pathetic and needy. Remember guys, social media is for chicks. A high quality man doesn’t spend all day taking pictures of himself or posting, unless it’s in his business interests to do so.

• Cold approach (IRL): The beauty of learning to talk to women IRL is YOU get to choose. And because women find it exhilarating and flattering to be approached, as well as the fact you’re demonstrating confidence and social fluency, she will be more attracted to you than she would be based on physical appearance alone. However, the better your physical appearance (fitness + fashion), the more success you’ll have. If you’re an older or shorter guy, this is by far the best way to meet women. If you’re older, it will allow you to date much younger women, and if you’re shorter, it’s your best shot at meeting attractive women, full-stop.

• Social circle: it’s all up to you on this—if you build it they will come, but creating a vibrant social circle is very difficult.

Whatever modalities you’re using (every man should learn cold approach IMO), if you’re making a concerted effort to meet women and not getting dates consistently, your trying to out-kick the coverage. Make no mistake: there will be a lot of no’s if you’re trying, and that’s OK. But we need to be swinging at pitches in the zone—targeting women who would realistically be interested in us. One good way to think about this is: would it feel natural if she were your girlfriend? Like would you feel comfortable and confident and DESERVING to have her? If not, you’re aiming too high. That’s actually not a bad heuristic for women either: if would people look at you as a couple and think “what is he doing with her?”, or “he could do better”, your instincts are off.

Regardless of sex, if you can’t or won’t lower your standards, you have two choices:

1. Make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex. This can be done by improving your fitness and physique, upgrading your fashion, and/or becoming more socially fluent and confident.

2. Take two weeks off, and then quit.

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No Risk-It, No Biscuit

Assuming you’re not trying to out-kick the coverage, you’ll be fine…eventually. But we all have to take the risk that we will seek love and it will not be returned from some of the people we’re attracted to. This cuts against the modern cult of safety-ism: the idea that life should always be perfectly safe and good—which a lot of people, especially Zoomers and women, have unfortunately bought into.

Because no. Life has never been easy and it has never been fair, and in fairness, it has never been as easy as it is now. Understand: anyone who peddles the safety-ism bullshit wants you to be a pathetic loser, because they are a pathetic loser. I can think of few things as gross as promising people they’re entitled to live a life that’s perfectly safe and comfortable at all times, because nothing could be further from the truth. A life well-lived is a life where one takes risks…and, OMG, sometimes experiences loss and heartbreak. Makes mistakes. Has bad stuff happen.

Because that’s what it takes to win. To have good stuff happen. To find love.

You gotta “jump right in, baby” with your “heartfirst.”

Namaste and happy hunting my risk-taking readers!

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

Sometimes the obvious isn’t as obvious as it should be—especially true on the internet where no one is ever wrong and conversations turn into an arguments as inevitably as siblings fucking with each other on a long car ride.

Modern life allows us to forget basic things about the nature of existence. We have tremendous choice and optionality in so many as…

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Let’s maybe turn the temperature down a bit on the gender wars? Many people probably interpret my content as not doing that, but this is primarily because people don’t want to take responsibility for their circumstances or stop behaving badly—they’d rather complain, which is a sure way to continue having the same problems.

Anyway, my central message when it comes to dating and relationships is two-fold:

1. If we’re not getting the results we want, we need to increase our value: what it is we’re offering the opposite sex.

2. We need to remove boundaries, bugs, and unnecessary friction in the romantic marketplace, both for ourselves and others.

I’ve written that:

• People should be less picky, and be far more open when considering potential partners.

• We shouldn’t shame mutually consensual relationships (age-gaps) or slut shame women who happen to like men (like calling them “pick-me” girls).

• Women should take personal responsibility for their success or lack thereof when it comes to dating and relationships.

• Men are responsible for becoming more attractive if they want to be more successful with women.

• Dating apps cause a huge number of problems for both men and women, and most of us would be better off not using them (podcast to come on this soon).

• People should learn to meet each other IRL.

Another bug is perception. Specifically, for the purposes of this post, the perception that modern women—American women in particular—are broken, bad, flawed, or dangerous. This will likely make the people highly invested in this thesis angry, but it’s simply not true.

To begin, consider that everything we see online is designed to make us mad, excite our desire, jealousy, or greed, and/or capture our attention in some other shocking, outrageous manner. Short form videos are primed and created to “trigger” us, so that we stay online longer, argue with people about stupid bullshit (which I have definitely done too often), and begin to adopt attitudes that make us more extreme in our beliefs.

Which is why I have to write a post titled, “Most women are normal, good, kind, sexually attracted to men, and want a man as their primary life partner.”

Women of course know this, as do men who have some experience with women, but I fear many others do not. I can imagine it being very easy as young man, whether late Millennial or Gen Z, to be siloed off from this reality through social media, because he doesn’t have regular exposure to women other than perhaps his mother, sister, sister’s friends, and a few others, be they family or friends. I was ignorant about women for the same reasons when I was a young man. Thank God I didn’t have a smartphone in my pocket and shit like Tik-Tok or IG to contend with!

Let’s also acknowledge: the world most young men contend with is hard! A man isn’t made until he makes himself, and that takes time—young men start out by having very little value to offer the world. Unfortunately, his sexual desire doesn’t care: once he hits puberty it’s raging, and yet most young men won’t be able to act on their urges. To the extent they do, they’re mostly going to get rejected. This is simply our lot in life as men, but it still hurts! Especially when you’re 16, 17, 18…

Side bar: the risks and burdens men and women bear in the romantic marketplace.

As I’ve stated before, men and women face different challenges and risks in the romantic marketplace. Men risk that their time, energy, effort, emotional investment (we care!), and money will not secure a date with a woman, let alone sex and/or a relationship. Women risk that having sex with a man will not secure a relationship (if that’s what she wants). But these are risks we accept to play the game.

Likewise, women bear the burden of unwanted attention, and this can be extremely uncomfortable, even scary. Women do not like getting hit on by men they perceive to be beneath them, whether too needy, young, old, poor, not physically attractive, or some combination thereof—and there’s a very small portion of men who don’t get this and continue to pursue women who’ve clearly indicated they’re not interested, which is bad.

Unfortunately, there’s no perfect way to fix this (although I strongly suggest women start reporting men who behave badly to the police rather than on apps like Tea), because a man can’t know he doesn’t make the cut until he shoots his shot, and this is where we get to the man’s burden: we’re the ones who have to shoot. Men initiate romantic relationships or nothing happens—like Bumble literally had to stop making women go first because they won’t do it. As Rohan Ghostwind has pointed out, if men didn’t make things happen, most women would be incels.

Brackish Waters, Barren Soil

Most women would be incels if they were men

If I was some Aella type person, I would conduct the following experiment…

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a year ago · 459 likes · 272 comments · Rohan Ghostwind

The result is that men experience the bulk of romantic rejection. That is our burden. And while it is absolutely a woman’s right and prerogative to reject men she’s not interested in, it sucks to get rejected!

However, part of becoming a man is learning to deal with rejection and embrace it as a positive learning experience (you can only improve if you try). It’s also on us to learn how to talk to women with calibration and social awareness 😉. If you need help with this, HMU.

Back to the bros who are struggling…

OK, so who are the 70-80% of young dudes struggling with women hanging out with? If they’re not Chads, it’s other guys who are also experiencing rejection, loneliness, despair, and the shitty, negative feeling of not being able to satisfy their very real, very strong sexual desires (why I firmly believe sex work should be legal—let the lads who aren’t getting pussy any other way get it through the free market).

Without any other outlet, let me tell you where a lot of that energy is going: misogyny—just as women who aren’t successful with men engage in misandry. Mix this with the fact that a fair number of young women ARE behaving badly and broadcasting it all over social media, along with the sad-boy-porn industry, and you have a recipe for disaster.

But this misses the larger fact that, “most women are normal, good, kind, sexually attracted to men, and want a man as their primary life partner.” Again, guys who have experience with women know this. I’ve had three serious long term relationships—one marriage and two LTGFs—a lot of other short term relationships, and in between and beyond I’ve spoken to thousands of women IRL, gone on a ton of dates, etc., and here are my findings…

Women are women are women

My guys: most women are nice! Normal! Kind! They’re just like us—only different in the ways women differ from men. And even if she appears to have extreme political views, claims to be a feminist, uses pronouns in her bio, or professes to believe any number of other weird ideas floating around on social media, most women don’t actually live their lives this way. 95% of the time this is just virtue signaling: doing what it takes to fit in and go with the flow, not a deeply held belief—I’ve had a number of women tell me recently that they’re actually quite tired of identity politics and the pathologizing of life that many overly online people are fond of these days.

Which is why you should pay attention to what she does, not what she says. For example, I met one of my first serious GFs in a Women’s Studies class in college, our first time hanging out was at a gay bar (CC Slaughter’s for my PDX peeps), and she called herself a “fag hag” (her words not mine) because she had so many gay male friends. But guess what she wanted? A strong, masculine man. Another ex who would for sure call herself a feminist and was very into identity politics, admitted she used to tell herself the size of guy’s muscles didn’t matter, but when she started dating me she said it was a huge turn-on (this isn’t meant to brag—I used to have much smaller muscles, but after my divorce, I started lifting on the regular: heavy weights, compound lifts, go to exhaustion. Best decision ever. Any guy can and should do this). And that is what 95% of women out there want, no matter how confusing they seem, or what they say. Again it’s about what she does, not what she says.

The most important thing the Red Pill gets right and feminism gets wrong is that evolutionary biology is a thing—anyone who doesn’t think so is a dumb-dumb or in the dangerous habit of deluding themselves of what they can see with their own two eyes. Both sexes are attracted to the polarity of the opposite sex: women are attracted to strong, masculine men; men are attracted to beautiful, feminine women. But for some reason we pretend women and men today are mutants because of smartphones, social media and dating apps, and while these are factors to consider, the primary factor is that they’re human beings, not some alien species.

Women—almost all women—are biologically geared to want masculine men who can provide, protect, and procreate. Women are biologically inclined to love men, and desire a deep connection with their lovers, along with being friendly, kind, agreeable, and to a greater or lesser degree, submissive (something women seem to have a very hard time navigating because they’re told not to be by society and other women, which creates an intense, internal conflict, but I’ll leave that for another post). Nothing is going to change that anytime soon. Women are women are women.

The Worst of Us

Indeed, the biggest problem with smartphones is not that they’ve changed human nature, but that they’re designed to show us the worst people in the world. Just take that in for a second. Social media algorithms are explicitly designed to show us the people who are the most shameless, deranged, narcissistic, and unhinged. Because shock value keeps us scrolling. This is extremely important for men—especially young men—to remember: you are seeing the sluttiest (I happen to be pro-slut btw, but the current trend of rampant female sexual attention seeking can have a deleterious effect on a man’s psyche), craziest, most attention-starved and badly behaved women on social media, many of whom are actually selling their bodies online. This isn’t to say all women we see online are this way, but you are seeing literally every chick who is, and most women aren’t like that.

This is also true of dating apps. You are seeing the worst women. And again, that’s not to say every woman on dating apps is overly picky, unable to provide a man with adequate value, or has some other mix of character flaws—but literally every woman who is this way is on the apps, and most women aren’t like that.

Recall that men outnumber women 2 or 3:1 on dating apps. Why is that? Because a lot of women aren’t on dating apps. In fact, the best ones don’t need to be, because they’re friendly, approachable, and get their asses out of the house to be social instead of rotting in bed and doom-scrolling all day: one of the wonderful things you learn when you do cold approach and talk to girls IRL.

What the average woman is like…

She probably has an IG—because everyone does—but otherwise isn’t overly online. Mostly she’s living her life, doing the kinds of normal things most people do: going to school, working a job, hanging out with friends, having fun on the weekends, spending time with her family. She may or may not be on dating apps—many will not be, and many of those will have a strong aversion to them, especially the most attractive, sociable women.

It’s likely she’s left of center politically, not because she has truly strong convictions, but because Trump is a boorish man and Republicans are anti-choice, and that is perfectly rational. Like, if an entire political party is aligned against your interests based on sex, wouldn’t you oppose them? I would and do.

She probably has a dog, cat, or lives with a roommate—most women HATE being alone. But otherwise she’s hoping to meet a high quality man who will wife her up, and most want to have children. She’s fundamentally a decent, kind, normal person—just like you!

If you want to keep it really simple: Cyndi Lauper was correct. GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN. Anything you do that’s un-fun is not attractive, and vice-versa.

So, as Archwinger says: internet men, do not despair!

Archwinger’s Substack

The radical notion that women are human

In the past, a few wise gurus have summarized our dark little misogynistic internet movement using the pithy phrase: “The Red Pill is the radical notion that women are human…

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9 months ago · 42 likes · 22 comments · Archwinger

Most women are normal, good, kind, sexually attracted to men, and want a man as their primary life partner. Make that your base assumption until an individual woman proves you wrong, and even then, remember she’s an outlier.

Namaste y’all.

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

1. Older women shame age gap relationships because of intrasexual competition—they do not want to compete with younger women. This is true even for women who are married and/or have boyfriends. Establishing a taboo against age gaps acts as insurance against their man thinking he could upgrade to a newer model. As we’ll see, their “concerns” and misgivings are a smokescreen for this fact.

2. Some percent of younger women really don’t like the idea of dating older men (although much of this is socially influenced), but many do—we see examples of this all the time, there’s nothing wrong with it, and there are significant advantages for women who choose this route.

3. Consenting adults can make up their own minds about who they want to date and have sex with, and to the extent we can’t get what we want, the answer is to increase our value to the opposite sex instead of complaining and lying.

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Men and women have different advantages at different times in the romantic marketplace.

Women are generally most beautiful and attractive to men when they’re fertile—typically somewhere between the ages of 18 and 35. Men, on the other hand, tend to reach their physical peak slightly later—say, 27 to 45. Muscles take time to fill out, character builds in the face, etc.

Moreover, because women value status, wealth, and social skills in addition to physical appearance, men continue to become more attractive as they get into their late 30s, 40s, and even 50s. Because even if our looks fade slightly, we continue to improve in all other areas women care about.

In short: women have a far greater advantage in the dating market when they’re young, but the advantage declines sharply with age. Men, meanwhile, often gain value as we get older—to a point of course. Eventually, we all reach an age where we start to look “old” in a way that isn’t sexy or reversible. As of this post, Father Time remains undefeated.

If you find any of this controversial, reality might not be a good fit for you.

Rage against the dying of the light

Imagine you’re on the guest list for an incredible party that starts sometime in high school. You’re always invited because you’re awesome and special. Everyone is super nice, you get to go on free trips, get into the trendiest clubs, sometimes meet and hang with famous people and athletes, and have as much sex as you want, mostly with highly desirable partners who facilitate the entire experience. It seems like it’ll never end and the options and opportunities in life are endless!

But then, sometime in your late 20s, the invitations start to slow down. Still plenty of fun to be had, but noticeably less. And it keeps slowing as you get older. Eventually, you’re only invited out on special occasions, like Halloween, with a reminder to “dress up.” A few more years pass and the invites stop altogether.

Like the party never existed.

There are other parties, sure—but you gotta pay to get in, plan in advance, and sometimes you’ve got to invite yourself because no one else will.

But that really fun party? The one that raged through your 20s with all the attending perks and privileges? It’s over. Forever.

Meanwhile, the cool guys—the ones who are really worth wanting—are still there. Having a blast…

With YOUNGER women who look just like YOU used to look…

Unfortunately, a time comes in every woman’s life when her looks begin to fade, either due to the all too common American story of getting fat (which, to be fair, happens to men at a roughly equal rate—and has happened to me at times!), and/or the intractable passage of time.1 And, at whatever point they realize their time in the sexual spotlight is ending, many women “rage against the dying of the light” —typically in the form of age-gap shaming.

The cautionary tale of Dr. Mann

Most people today know the Dylan Thomas poem and it’s famous refrain from Interstellar. Ironically, Matt Damon’s character in the movie, Dr. Mann, is a perfect embodiment of what older women are doing when they shame older man/younger woman relationships.

Spoiler alert! 🙈 If you haven’t seen Interstellar, stop reading and go watch it—one of the best movies in the past 20 years IMO.

Anyway, Dr. Mann is one of several scientists sent to explore potentially habitable planets as the Earth is slowly eaten by blight—the only crop humans can now grow is corn, and the world is quite literally turning into dust. The scientists are instructed to send a signal only if their planet is viable, knowing full well that help won’t be coming otherwise.

Several years into the project, Dr. Mann signals his planet is viable. When the rescue crew shows up and revives him from hibernation, it’s deeply emotional—what it must be like to be raised from the dead.

Unfortunately, they gradually discover his planet isn’t viable, and Dr. Mann attempts a mutiny to commandeer their vessel and leave them for dead. His fear of death is so overwhelming he’s willing to put the future of humanity at risk to save his own skin for a few more years. Why? Because his ego is all that exists: pure narcissism.

Like Dr. Mann’s false signal, the age-gap controversy is entirely manufactured—a strategic, intrasexual deception by older women to discourage younger women from competing for the most desirable men: guys between 30–50 who’ve stayed in shape, matured, and acquired wealth and status. And while it may sound hyperbolic, given the fact almost every first world nation is facing huge declines in birth rates, the parallel to Dr. Mann actions and motives are eerily similar.

A Three-Pronged Attack

The playbook is well known at this point:

1. Shame older men into thinking it’s creepy or wrong to date younger women.

2. Convince younger women that older men are “icky”, and that age gaps are somehow inappropriate (despite the fact that many of these same women dated a significantly older man at some point in her past).

3. Warn both parties that there’s a social penalty to be paid for relationships with a significant age gap (as someone who’s done this, there really is not—it’s rare it even comes up, because at the end of the day, people mostly care about themselves).

Anyone smart sees the flaws immediately.

To begin, if older men weren’t appealing, older women wouldn’t have to convince younger women to avoid them. No one has to beg a kid to choose pizza over broccoli—it’s the thing they naturally want, because it’s delicious. Likewise, if dating younger men was what women preferred, older women would be encouraging younger women to go after older guys—clearing the field for themselves. We’d also see way more older-woman, younger-man couples.2 But that’s rare. Why? Because older men have what ALL women want: confidence, wealth, maturity, and social skill.

We can also dispense with the looks objection—the idea that younger men are more physically attractive and therefore more desirable—which proves to be fraught. This isn’t to say younger men aren’t attractive, but there’s a reason the average age of People’s Sexiest Man Alive over the several decades they’ve been doing it is 39. The last four winners were all over 40 (John Krasinski in 2024 at 45, Patrick Dempsey in 2023 at 57, Chris Evans in 2022 at 41, Paul Rudd in 2021 at 52). The youngest recently was Michael B. Jordan at 33. Why? Because age looks good on men—assuming he stays in shape.

Hollywood tells a similar tale, where female actresses tend to see their careers peak around 30, while men continue to get lead roles in their 40s and 50s. It’s often alleged that this is because of discrimination, but this forgets movies debut in a free market. Surely, if audiences preferred to see movies with older women and/or younger men, producers and directors would cast them more often. But they don’t. Why? Because women are more sexually attractive when they’re younger, men are more sexually attractive when they’re older, and that’s what audiences want to see.

This is true even when we look at shows explicitly created to pique female attraction, like Thunder Down Under, an all male beefcake strip show.

Average age of the men: 35.

Age-gap shaming mostly works on women, because social acceptance is part of female mate selection. But how much does age actually matter?

Men are always going to be attracted to fertile aka younger women—for the same reason steak will always taste good: evolutionary success. Like, it would actually be really weird and gross if men were sexually attracted to old ladies. And this is why the smear campaign isn’t very effective with men—because base sexual attraction is instinctual, and men are especially attuned to physical manifestations of fertility.

But the propaganda has made headway with some portion of younger Millennials and Zoomer women, some of whom will even get their hackles up about age gaps of anything more than a year or two on the basis that age gaps represent some tyrannical power differential—an idea cooked up by, you guessed it: older, angry, unattractive feminists as a means of scaring off their intrasexual competition.

Let’s think about this for a moment: how often do you consciously think about a person’s specific numerical age in daily life, while interacting face to face? Unless it’s a child, or someone who’s elderly, 3% of the time? Less? I mean, sure, we have a rough idea—this person looks late 30s/early 40s, that person looks 50s/60s, but the crazy thing is how often we’d be wrong. Hell, I don’t even know the exact ages of many of my close friends (I know their birth days and months, but often not the year), and I could only hazard a guess about most of my colleagues.

But there’s a good reason I don’t know and don’t need to: because it doesn’t matter. And the people who say it’s terrifically important are either very dumb, or pretending it does to serve their own interests. Think about it this way: most people could lie about their age +/- 10 years, and you wouldn’t know they were lying unless you had proof otherwise.

Why? Because a number on an ID or birth certificate doesn’t give someone magical powers. There are dumb, gullible people who are old, and incredibly sharp, manipulative people who are very young. Character, intelligence, maturity, health, physical appearance, and vitality all matter far more to how one navigates the world than their numerical age.

Like, once you’re an adult working in the real world, everyone’s in the same bucket. At any corporate office, you’ll find coworkers from 20 to 65. Everyone’s doing the same sort of stuff on weekends: camping, happy hour, concerts, farmer’s markets, movies, sporting events, etc. Some people have families, dogs, cats, are religious—or aren’t—and if they were all dressed business casual and all I told you were their ages and names, you’d have no idea who was doing what, going where, or have any real clue about how they lived.

One objection older women often raise about age gap relationships is: “What will they talk about?” Oh, I don’t know, probably the same stuff any couple might talk about: how our day went, what sounds good for dinner, what to watch on TV, where to go on the weekend, what vacation we want to plan next, whether we ought to get married, have children, etc.

This isn’t to say younger women should date older men—they should date whoever they want. And for the most part, studies show that women prefer to date men around 3-4 years older than themselves. Age gap relationships will always be in the minority for a number of reasons, be it that a lot of older men aren’t attractive, or that social circles are rarely age diverse.

But the notion there’s something wrong with younger women being attracted to older men, or that there’s anything fundamentally problematic with age gap relationships, is a farce concocted by older women who desire these same men. Younger women should consider the fact that in the modern romantic marketplace, most successful, high quality men in their 30s and 40s will not be available when you’re in your 30s and 40s, because they will be able to date younger women.

What’s the path then for woman over 35? Re-enter the party! Lose weight. Dress sexy. Be more forward. Find ways to demonstrate value that younger women haven’t yet internalized. Prove you’re a better partner to the men you desire than a woman in her 20s. Compete! You know—like men have to do every day of their lives if they want any chance with women.

But it seems that most older women don’t want to do these things. Instead, as has become our society’s favorite pastime, they’d rather complain and sabotage younger women:

• “It’s gross for older men to date younger women.”

• “He’s grooming her.”

• “She’s just a baby.”

• “There’s a power imbalance.”

• “She’s going to get hurt.”

Fake concerns—and note the basic misogyny too: young, adult women are too dumb to make adult decisions about their romantic lives.

You really think a 37-year-old single woman who’s growing a troll-back and hates kids cares about the well-being of her hot 25-year-old competition? Come now!

Do these women show the same concern for 18-year-olds signing up the military or forced to register for selective service? The huge numbers of women going $150k into debt for college? The mental health of young men? Ending child poverty? Do they in fact show any real consistent concern for the wellbeing of young people other than this one specific topic? No.

But the moment Leo debuts a new sub 25 year-old girlfriend, the howls and fury are deafening.

Final Thoughts

Why would a 25-year-old woman would date a 26-year-old guy who drives for Amazon, smokes weed, and plays video games all day, when she could date a 41-year-old who’s equally attractive, makes $180k, travels, and is ready for marriage and a family? That’s not a crazy question to ask. No shade at the younger guys; I wasn’t exactly Mr. Productive at that age either. But there is a radical difference in those choices and their outcomes worth considering.

The older guy is going to have better business connections, more wisdom, sophistication, and worldliness, and he’s probably better in bed—turns out experience matters there too. Most importantly: he’s a proven, viable long-term partner, whereas the young guy is a gamble—and maybe she’s cool with that and finds him more exciting, or just isn’t into older guys. Again, people should date whoever they’re genuinely attracted to.

But young women should at least understand the state of play and think about it critically: do they want to live as they see fit, based on their own choices and preferences, or according to the “rules” other people have laid out for them?

The “Rules” according to Boomers

1. Go to college (post highlights on IG)

2. Move to a big city (post highlights on IG)

3. Date a man your age who makes slightly more money than you do

4. Get married and move to the suburbs (more IG content)

5. Live happily ever after (and brag about it every day on IG)

In case you haven’t noticed, the “rules” don’t exactly work anymore:

• Housing and the cost of living have exploded, significantly delaying home ownership, which delays marriage and family creation.

• Dating apps and social media mean most women are now only interested in the top 20% of men.

• Those men have abundance and there’s no rush for them to settle down—unless she’s SPECIAL (see girl game 110)!

We’re living in a new era. Men have to level up if they want to compete. Women must rethink their strategy if they want marriage and/or children.

Climbing the age ladder is one of the best ways women can access higher-quality men—but many younger women refuse to do it, and in so doing, shrink their options. And that’s totally fine if dating someone near their own numerical age is tremendously important to them! But a lot of women now in their late 30s and 40s were lied to: they were told they could put off marriage and children, and now unfortunately it’s too late for many of them. The men they want are taken or uninterested. The least we can do is not continue to tell this lie to younger women.

Again, any woman’s odds of landing a handsome, successful 35-year-old man are way higher when she’s 25 than they’ll be at 35. Just the way it be. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Namaste, y’all. Related post:

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

I wanted things to be different, but the longer I’m on Substack, the more I realize men and women can’t offer each other dating advice.

Actually, it’s that women can’t offer good dating advice to men, because it’s always Machiavellian. Part of this is natural: high quality advice about relationships should help both parties. If men learn what women like, it helps women too, and vice-versa. The test is where there’s a divergence in the interest of one party vs. the other: can the person offer advice that would help the opposite sex, even if it’s not to their benefit?

From what I’ve seen so far from most women who write about dating, no. What follows is a perfect example, and it’s likely your parents were in on it too. Men are told from a young age: defer to women, bring her flowers, be super sweet and nice—and women do like this!

…from men they are already attracted to, as Orion Taraban notes in the podcast above. Said differently: you can do what women want you to do, AFTER they’re attracted to you. Before that happens, none of that stuff will help you. Indeed, it will often hurt you, because it’s submissive behavior that displays neediness and expectation of reciprocity.

Take this piece from Lana Li—who I like and is well intentioned! But she says: “effort is only unattractive when it comes from undesirable men.” That is as Red Pill as it gets. Rule #1: be attractive, don’t be unattractive. But the rest of the piece is about how she really liked it when men she was already attracted to simped incredibly hard for her, and how men should generally make things as wonderful and convenient as possible for the women they’re dating.

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A commenter who enjoyed my post on what makes men attractive to women, asked I write one in reverse for women, so here ya go!

The focus is a bit different, because where men lack for opportunity and simply need to get in the game (why the focus for men was on attraction), women lack staying power in relationships, which is why the focus here will be on value. In short, if you’re a single woman, the value you’re offering—or that he perceives you’re offering—is not sufficient for the men you’re dating to sacrifice their options to date other women.

In order for a man—especially a high value man who has other options—to sacrifice his independence and ability to date multiple women, the woman in question has to be SPECIAL. She has to be some combination of prettier, kinder, more sexual, more attentive, more fun, etc. than the other women he is dating—a difference that is impossible to ignore.

I cannot stress this enough: dating apps and social media have created an environment where women are often too picky with regard to their own value, and at the same time, are all chasing after the same top 20% best looking men, typically in a narrow age cohort similar to their own. In addition, because it’s harder for men to get matches than women, men lower their standards. This sets up a scenario where it’s RARE for a woman a man meets on a dating app to be SPECIAL to him in terms of beauty.

This is the fundamental dynamic of modern dating—why it’s broken and the battle of the sexes is raging (social media doesn’t help). Top guys can behave badly with no consequence (“are we dating the same guy” groups would not exist otherwise), and even if they are perfect gentlemen, they’re not going to sacrifice their optionality—why the hell would they! Understand, getting to the level of fitness, developing the social skills, and earning the kind of money it takes to be in that top 20% of men is a ton of work! And a big part of the reason he worked so hard was to attract women. He’s not going to give that up easily. But the vast majority of women ONLY want these guys and are unwilling to change their filters regarding height or age, so it becomes this vicious cycle where very few people are getting what they want—and we’ve not even mentioned the 80% of men who have almost no prospects whatsoever.

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Unfortunately, this isn’t going to change anytime soon. All we can do is understand the game, and learn how to play it better so we can get what we want.

So the question is: how can individual women demonstrate value to a man to the point where she becomes SPECIAL enough to him that he is willing to cash out for a long term relationship or even marriage?

Quick rant: people sometimes balk at the idea you need to provide value in relationships, but like, that is the basis of literally every relationship. Relationships do not exist in the absence of exchanged value.

• Human provides care; dog provides love

• Mother provides care; baby provides meaning and magic

• Friends provide each other attention, companionship, compassion, and understanding

• Romantic relationships add sex, deep commitment, and security to the value we receive in friendship

Point is, if you don’t want to provide exceptional value to the man you want for a long term relationship, you don’t want a long term relationship, and it’s almost certain you won’t get one.

Beauty is the foundational value; sex is the applied value.

This is fairly obvious, but for men, the most important value a woman can provide is the combination of being beautiful and sexually enthusiastic with him. This combination is the only thing he can’t get in any other relationship.

We all know what it means to be physically attractive (there’s a basic rundown in this post), but women should do whatever they can to maximize their appearance—and typically they do! I say the same thing to men, btw. The biggest force multiplier for women is being thin relative to your body size/type. Men are attracted to a waist hip ratio of 0.7 ideally, but the point is to accentuate this as best you can by maintaining a trim waist, and hitting leg day!

Ladies, you know far more than I about using makeup, dressing sexy, and all that good stuff, so I won’t weigh in there. Just…don’t stop doing that. I notice that a lot of women, especially when they get older, start dressing less sexy, because they don’t want to be perceived as “girly.” This is a false choice, and one thing I’ll put a pin in to cover another time, is that women have to stop worrying so much about what other women/people will think of them and start doing what you want to do! You will never stand out if you always follow the crowd, nor will you ever get or do anything exceptional. I know it’s hardwired biologically and reinforced socially for women to fit in and follow the rules, but to the extent you can buck this instinct, do it! There are tremendous benefits to women who can break with social convention—and far less negative consequence than most think.

Anyway, once you capture his eye, you can capture his heart. This is done through sex. I’m not suggesting anyone do anything she’s uncomfortable doing, but the fact is that sex—enthusiastic, frequent, hot, generous sex—is the first thing a woman should demonstrate with a man she wants as her long term partner. It will allow him to pair bond with you. All that beautiful oxytocin.

When I was first dating my recent ex, I was seeing three other women at the time. One of the reasons my ex was able to take me off the market was the fact we had crazy, frequent sex—and that included lots of blow jobs. She was also far better at communicating her interest in me than the others, and did most of the other things we’ll come to in terms of how women can demonstrate their value in a relationship. But it starts in the bedroom—the better you take care of him there, the more likely he’ll commit to the relationship you want.

However, beauty and sex alone won’t be enough to capture your king—what follows is how you can further separate yourself from other women.

Be an effective communicator: flaky, unreliable girls are demonstrating their lack of fitness for a relationship.

If you can’t be bothered to text him back, can’t commit to plans, are unreliable, etc., he’s going to lose interest in you—and respect. Because I can guarantee you that if he has a good job, he has to be an effective communicator. And that’s what he’s going to want in a partner. It’s called being an adult.

When women slow plays texting back—which a huge percentage of women do for whatever reason—it’s a huge turn off. I have two buckets when dating, as I imagine many men do:

• A) Women I’d consider for a serious relationship

• B) Women who are fun, but not wife material

The moment she demonstrates she can’t be relied upon and can’t communicate effectively, she goes into bucket B. I also stop pursuing her with much effort. Most men I know do the same thing.

I know the immediate rebuttal will be that if she has high interest, she’ll get right back to you—even a lot of the Red Pill bros will say that. There’s some truth to this: a woman who’s highly motivated will be better at communicating.

However, it’s also true that women who are effective communicators, target men directly, and demonstrate high interest, don’t stay single for long. And I’ve dated many women who were high interest—frequent sex, several dates, expressed the desire to be my GF—but couldn’t get their shit together when it came to communicating. Like, if you can’t do this while dating, what is that going to look like in a relationship? Why would I want to be bothered committing to a woman and sacrificing my independence if she can’t reply to a text for a day and a half? It’s a mess.

My recommendation: decide on a few guys you’ve matched with or met, and be direct, text them frequently, show them you are a high interest girl. You will immediately distinguish yourself from most of the other women in his life.

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Also: if you don’t text people back within a few hours of them texting you—and you sometimes don’t text back at all—YOU’RE THE PROBLEM. If I behaved this way at my job, I’d get fired within a few days; probably true for most of us. Ghosting is not a no—it’s cope, a lack of agency, and an unwillingness to tell people no or say what you want. It’s the weakest, most pathetic thing a person can do—and you know it, because we’ve all been on the other end!

Learn to be an effective communicator—not just in dating, but in life. It will allow you to get more of what you want, because you will be able to ask for it! My dad always told me: 90% of life is showing up every day. Goddamn right.

Make his life better through acts of service, attention, and feminine affection.

No, this doesn’t mean you have to cook or clean or do his laundry. You could, but a woman can add value to a man’s life in any number of ways. You could offer to help him schedule his work trip. You could drop off his clothes at the cleaners. You could get him a gift—doesn’t have to be expensive—like a book, T-shirt, even a coffee mug. Get concert tickets for a band he likes. And he should do these kinds of things for you!

Find small ways to make his life better. Some people seem to understand this—men and women—and some don’t. Remember, he can get sex and beauty from other women. But how many of them will take his bike to get tuned up, or bring over a few lunches so he doesn’t have to worry about meal prep that week?

For example, in both long term relationships I’ve had, I basically cooked every single meal for both of us, and that for sure made me more valuable to my ex’s than most other guys.

Same thing with attention and feminine affection. Ask him about his day. Call him if you haven’t seen each other for a few days. Don’t always wait on him to initiate everything. And then like, tell him he’s handsome. Rub his hands or his shoulders. Run your hands through his hair, or give him some back scratches. Sit in his lap. Get close to him. Show him through physical touch that you care about him. Some women are really good at this, and some seem not to have been taught how to do it, or don’t for some other reason. None of this costs anything, and these are all things you can do before sex happens if you want to wait a bit for that. When guys think about what it would mean to have a girlfriend or wife, we think of a woman who’s sweet and kind and loving on us—so show him what it’d be like!

What not to do: on dating apps, and when it comes to setting up the first date. TL;DR—Don’t be DIFFICULT.

The comment I referenced originally was: “I'd absolutely love a post on what makes a woman attractive to men? Specifically women who say they want a relationship on dating apps - what shld they be saying instead?” All of the above, but note that this doesn’t happen on the app: it happens when you meet.

Saying on the app that you want a relationship is interpreted by men as a huge negative. Not because the man doesn’t want a relationship, but because it indicates you’re going to be a pain in the ass, and likely to withhold sex for commitment. It also implies this hasn’t always been the case: that you’ve slept with a lot of men who didn’t give you commitment, so now you feel it’s necessary to state that this is what you want up front. Don’t worry: we know you want a relationship—you don’t need to say so. But that’s what dating is for: showing us that you’re worth the relationship. And if you do the things I’ve outlined above, you’re far more likely to get one.

Each sex has a risk inherent to building a relationship. For the man, it’s that he spends his time, energy, and money (most men pay still, right?) on a woman who may not go on a date with him, let alone sleep with him. For the woman, it’s that she sleeps with a man who doesn’t in the end, offer her a relationship. But this is love: there are no guarantees. Embrace the chase, understand there are risks, but know that if you keep learning, keep playing, the payoff is well worth it!

OK—so instead of saying you want a relationship, show him what you’d be like as a girlfriend if you were in one. Take the “What it’s like dating me” prompt on Hinge. You answer could be something like: “I take care of my man in every way because I know he’ll take care of me.” Show him what would be in it for him if you did have a relationship. Orion Taraban has a bunch of great podcasts on this, but here’s the most directly relatable.

As a salesperson: I don’t tell my clients what I want. I tell them what they’ll get if they use our service. If you want a relationship, show the man what he’ll get if he gives you one.

Here’s a good heuristic for prompts: does this make me sound like a chill, fun girl, OR does this make me sound like a pain in the ass? Lord knows guys do a bunch of stupid shit on dating apps, but some not insignificant percentage of women are not even hiding the fact they’re miserable to be around—or at the very least, feel the need to state boundaries before there’s any need to establish them.

Last thing in terms of presentation: don’t post photos with people more attractive than you. It’s unfair, and silly, but a lot of women post photos of themselves with their super hot friends, and then it’s like…even if she looks good, she doesn’t look as good (like how men shouldn’t post photos with dudes taller than they are). Plus, if there’s too many photos where there’s multiple people or the lighting is bad, it can be hard to tell who she is.

OK, so you’ve matched with the guy. Be responsive—don’t wait three days before texting him back. Be intentional—if he’s not asking you on a date within 3-5 texts back and forth, say, “let’s go on a date 😉”. Be direct both in getting his attention and keeping his attention. If I’m texting with multiple girls, however I’ve met them, the one who is most direct and responsive is the one I’m asking out—and also, the one I’m most excited about. Men have a hard enough time dealing with flaking and women who can’t communicate: the easier you make it for him, the more he will appreciate you and start liking you!

For example, do not do this:

Now, maybe you think ice cream and a walk is corny (I think it’s a great way to meet someone for the first time and I’m trying to do non-drinking dates), but arguing about the date puts the dude in a terrible frame—like what am I supposed to do here, guess? I countered with drinks and if we connect, dinner. Haven’t heard back and don’t expect to, but also don’t really care that much? She sounds like a pain in the ass. Like, I’m not taking a first date to dinner. And it has nothing to do with money. It’s because I don’t know this person, at all, who might not even like me, nor or I her. Dinner dates and movie dates are good once you get to know each other. For first dates, even second dates, get drinks, do an activity together, go to a fair or festival, keep it casual.

Second example of a common mistake women make:

“But I’m free Sunday!” is the text that should follow this. If you’re interested in the guy, he proposes a date, but then you can’t make it—that’s totally fine, but give him a day and time that works for you. Again, my only play here was either to guess, or just STFU, so I replied “no worries” and left it at that, hoping she’d get the hint. So far she hasn’t.

This is where women don’t understand the exhaustion men experience with having to always be the actor—the person responsible for making things happen—only to experience massive levels of radio silence, ghosting, and flaking. Like here are two instances where presumably the woman is interested, and yet they are both actively making it impossible for me to get them out on a date. Make it easy for him! Remember, the juice has to be worth the squeeze, and if you’re not adding value to his life, he’s not going to commit to you—unless he has zero better options.

Would you want to date a man who was a pain in the ass? No, you would not. So don’t be one for him. If you want a relationship, add value to his life!

Hope this helps ladies—namaste y’all!

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If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

But what does that mean? What does he look like? We’ll come to that in a moment, but let’s acknowledge first, men today have a much higher bar to clear than in the past, and it’s important to understand why that is:

1. A woman’s primary goal in the past—let’s say roughly anytime before the 90s—was to find a man to marry. Now her primary goal is to do all the things: travel, enjoy her 20s, go to college, get a good job, and then get married—maybe? To put this in sales terms: women are still buyers, but they’re not the urgent, enthusiastic buyers they use to be.

   

2. A recently study found that when women think of what it means for a man to be financially successful, it’s that he could provide the kind of life she had as a kid (the life her dad provided), which for most women, means home ownership. But this forgets that her dad bought a house when the average price was $150K in the 90s, not the $450K it is now (see above). Most men can’t measure up to the wealth of most women’s fathers—not because we’re lazy bums, but because the cost of everything, especially housing and college, have increased massively.

3. Dating apps and social media distort the standards of physical attraction, both in terms of women desiring better looking men, AND believing they are better looking and more desirable than they actually are. More on that here. TL;DR—a big reason dating has gotten harder is that standards have been inflated: many women think they should date someone significantly hotter than they are, and that’s never going to work, which is why they either get ignored or ghosted by the men they want. Men do this too, but they just get ignored because they’re not HQ and women don’t want them.

So yes, it’s harder than it used to be guys, you’re not wrong in that perception.

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The good news however, is that nearly all men can clear the bar if they’re willing to work on themselves, and the wonderful thing is that once you clear this bar, dating gets way easier as you start to enjoy some optionality with women. This is the irony inherent in modern dating: women’s standards force men to up their game, but the men who do this experience abundance with women and become less apt to commit to a relationship. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It will be harder for some. If you’re on the short side, or too old/too young relative to the woman’s taste, your path to glory will be more difficult. But these challenges can be overcome through a combination of volume and skill—getting more and better opportunities by learning to meet women IRL, and learning how to build attraction on dates.1 The caveat is to remember, just like women who are too picky, men who don’t have reasonable expectations will be single most, if not all of the time. Blonde 10s are rare—and your qualities as a man will have to be rare indeed to date one—but there are lots of attractive women out there if you don’t expect an Instagram Bop.

So let’s talk about that bar and what you need to do to clear it:

The five qualities of a high value man

A) You need to have a good job, or a path to a good job. YOU DON’T NEED TO BE RICH! The beautiful thing about women making more money is that they’re not nearly as concerned with how much you earn—despite the noise you hear on social media and or from your favorite black-pill influencers. Money is a great thing to have, but it’s no guarantee you’ll get laid: there are lots of very rich men out there who can’t, and either have to pay for it, or hire a dating coach to help.

What is a good job? It’s a job that pays you enough to afford your own apartment, own a car (unless you live in a place like NYC or SF where it’s impractical), and pay for an adult lifestyle—probably $70K at the low end, depending on the city. If you can afford your own place, congrats, you’re an adult man...until you can do this, you’re a boy. Men, as a rule, don’t have roommates.

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When it comes to school, business, finances, or any other professional aspect of life in 2025, women and men are given roughly equal agency and responsibility for their choices and outcomes. We judge individuals by their works and acts, and the results of those works and acts. If they are successful or unsuccessful, it’s not because they were a man or a woman, it’s because they did or didn’t do what success requires. This is good! This is what equality means!

For example, while we can question whether the structure of K-12 education benefits women over men, or if going to college is worth the cost (generally, in terms of lifetime earnings, it still is), women are now doing better in school and earning more degrees than men. That is a fact. Why? Because in general, women work harder, study longer, and take school more seriously than men—I saw this first hand when I was a teacher. And individual men have no one to blame but themselves when they fail to perform in school, or get a college degree if that’s what they want.

But there’s a deeper why worth understanding: why do women work hard, study, and take school seriously? Because they are rewarded for doing well, and punished if they don’t (men are too, but this is lost on a lot of teenage boys for reasons I won’t get into right now).

If girls do well in school, they will earn good grades, which enables them to get into a good college, and from there they’ll be in position to be economically independent and live whatever sort of life they choose to live. They’ll also be far more likely to meet a high value man if they choose this route.

On the flipside, most people who don’t do well in school end up working low-wage, manual labor jobs (nothing wrong with this, but for reference, according to the Bureau of Labor, in the 3rd quarter of 2024, people with a bachelors degree or higher earned an average of $1,533/week, vs. $946/week on average for those with only a high school diploma). For women, typically things like: barista, hair dresser, server, customer service, etc. Not doing well in school will severely limit her ability to earn money, relegating her to a fairly modest life, requiring marriage in order to move up the economic ladder. But here too, her prospects will be lacking, as she simply won’t be around nearly as many high quality men as a woman who is at a university, or working a white-collar job.

In other words, the way our society and economy work, women are held accountable for how well they do in school. Modern women know this, so the vast majority of them take school very seriously.

In stark contrast, when it comes to dating and relationships, most people—especially and ironically, women most of all—seem to believe that being female comes with a total lack of agency for the outcome of their romantic lives. Even a smart guy like Scott Galloway, who is most famous for advocating we help men who have fallen behind, continually repeats, “you can’t tell women to lower their standards.”

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Rohan Ghostwind sums it up nicely in his post The men are still here, they’re just not here for you (by “them”, if it’s unclear, he’s referring to women):

“When many of them receive feedback on their dating life, they don’t see it as an invitation to update their own behavior or strategy. Rather, much like the author of the article, she assumes that it’s all men who are wrong and dysfunctional.”

Spot on. Indeed, I wrote about aspects of this in two prior posts:

• Girl Game 101: Identifying the Problem

• Pickiness: How Men and Women Miss Opportunities in the Romantic Marketplace

The first is about how Western culture teaches and then reinforces the idea that women have ZERO responsibility for their role in the formation, success, and/or failure of relationships. It all just happens, good, bad, or ugly.1

Exhibit A: to have successful dates, we have to show interest, warmth, and sexual intention, rather than sterile, corporate friendliness bordering on impersonal (what happens to people who don’t have organic friendships because they spend too much time on screens). But the impetus to make this happen is put entirely on men. If you want an example of how this sounds, listen to this episode of Diary of a CEO with Vanessa Van Edwards (start at minute 37). Not that the dude is Casanova, but he’s making his best effort to make the date fun, flirty, and learn more about her. In return she’s bland, impersonal, and can’t even be bothered to plan another date in the next couple weeks despite being attracted to this guy!

It was refreshing to hear Van Edwards take her to task, but I’m afraid many women never get this message—they won’t hear it from their friends, and the rule, as Rohan points out, isn’t to critically examine her role in how things went. If she wasn’t interested, it must be his fault, otherwise she would have responded differently. And then women wonder why men seem disinterested after dates, and relationships don’t take hold.

Exhibit B: to have a healthy long-term, romantic relationship, it takes TWO to tango. Both partners have to work to continue to provide value to the relationship, and ultimately, for a marriage to be successful, each partner in turn will likely have to support their husband or wife through difficult times, whether it involves poor health, the loss of a job, issues with children, a personal transformation, etc. But that’s not what you’ll hear from DPM or any of the divorced wine moms who flock to Substack to tell you how wonderful it is they blew up their families. It was the man’s fault. Why?

Because it always is.

The second, on pickiness, is about how many women have become too picky in relation to the value they are bringing to a relationship with the men they desire. Sexual relationships are formed when two people exchange roughly equal value of unequal goods (credit: Orion Taraban). Many modern women are expecting far more value from a man than they can offer him—and the great irony, given that most people meet via dating apps, is that this expectation takes place before they even meet in person! Women offer men value through beauty, sex, care, affection, support, and kindness. If they cannot offer these things in sufficient measure to the value of the men they desire (men’s value = wealth, status, protection, looks, sex, care, affection, support and kindness), they are by definition too picky.2

The Counter-Actual: MOST women ARE able to have successful relationships with men? Why? Because they (probably) hold themselves accountable.

If you add up the numbers, around 69% (I know, I know) of adults in the US are in a committed romantic relationship—either married, cohabiting, or living apart, but together as romantic partners.

That means most women aren’t too picky to find a man, nor are they having issues finding or staying in committed relationships. This is good! It’s also obviously true for most men. The implication of this data is that if you’re single, it’s your fault (post upcoming on that). Because most other people have reasonable expectations when finding a partner, and provide enough value to their partner to enter into and maintain a relationship.

Consider a scenario with similar measures of success: about 87% of people graduate high school, and 62% graduate college. A well-watered plant could graduate from high school, and if you show up to class, you’ll graduate college too. Which is why few among us would make excuses for people who don’t graduate, because it’s their fault for not finishing.

And yet, somehow, magically, when it comes to heterosexual dating and relationships:

No matter the problem, if she’s single, or the relationship doesn’t work, men are to blame.

Again, for whatever reason, society doesn’t expect agency from women when it comes to romance and relationships, nor does it hold them accountable for their choices. As Rohan points out in the “feminism for me, traditionalism for thee” section of his essay, anytime a woman has a romantic or sexual problem, the solution is essentially the same: blame the man, or men generally. Women should be free to do whatever they want and feel however they feel; men must conform to their social expectations of pursuit, provisioning, and marriage—regardless of the woman’s value—and make her feel attracted, loved, cared for, respected, etc. What can he expect in return? According to many female writers on substack and women on social media: nothing.

Here are some common examples:

• Unsatisfied woman in marriage =

  • blame man

  • stop having sex with him

  • start hating him

  • initiate divorce

  • take no accountability for wreckage, including trauma to children or the fact the man is now far more likely to commit suicide

  • brag about it how great it is to be divorced on social media and substack

• Mid woman in big city regularly ghosted after dating only top 10% of Chads on the apps =

  • blame man/men

  • men are narcissistic assholes

  • men 👏 need 👏 to 👏 do 👏 better

  • post on FB site titled “are we dating the same guy?” (A: yes)

  • dates or sleeps with guy she’s not interested in = ghost

• Older woman who wants marriage can’t find a man despite going on hundreds of dates over years and hiring matchmakers =

  • blame men in major newspaper

  • there aren’t enough good men out there (read: who wants trad gender roles when it’s convenient for me, is tall and handsome, and makes more money that I do)

  • men should stop dating younger women

  • giving up on dating and marriage for good; no accountability for choices or results

• Younger woman who posts thirst traps on TikTok and IG and is utterly vapid because she spends 10 hours a day rotting in bed and scrolling =

  • why do men only want me for my body?

  • how can I “de-center” men while keeping my $500/mo OF alive?

  • why doesn’t anyone want to be my BF?

  • men are pigs

How often do we see woman acknowledge publicly or privately, what we FORCE men to admit and confront when they can’t get dates and/or fail in a relationship?

• “I got too fat, let myself go, and didn’t keep the sexual energy alive.”

• “I should have been more supportive and emotionally available.”

• “I need to lower my standards significantly, or improve myself significantly.”

• “I need to accept that rejection is part of the process of dating, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt, with zero expectations.”

• “I didn’t do a good job communicating and expressing interest.”

• “I was too cold and didn’t escalate to initiate sex.”

• “I need to stop smoking pot, scrolling through my phone, spending time on social media, watching TV, and playing video games—I need to unplug.”

There are plenty of grifters on social media dunking on the types of women described above to make men feel better: sad-boy porn, for lack of a better term. But how often does the individual woman who fucked up acknowledge or take responsibility for her inability to secure a relationship, or her contribution to why it didn’t work? Please, by all means, flood the comments with such examples.3 Would love to be wrong!

I remember one note by Lirpa Strike (who’s stuff I like!) a few months back, asking men to list examples of times a woman didn’t take accountability for her negative actions.4 I think she expected to find very few true cases, or a lot of he/said, she/said, but as the replies grew, men gave example after detailed example—some of them truly shocking in terms of the actions and consequences involved—of women dodging accountability when they were clearly responsible for really bad shit.

Point is, we’re not just making this up…and the problem is, a person who can’t admit fault, can’t correct fault.

Do men complain about women? Sure. But no one cares or takes them seriously, nor do we absolve them of their role in their discontent (rightfully so). And we don’t see articles in the NYT or WSJ about how women regularly flake on dates, have become too picky, or blow up their marriages at an alarming rate.

To affect a better outcome, we have to take responsibility for our choices and the results of those choices.

As I’ve written several times before, when me and my ex broke up in early March, I was significantly overweight and drinking too much. These things were my fault, among other reasons things didn’t work out. Moving forward, I knew I had to lose weight and get healthy if I wanted to date attractive women, which is precisely what I’ve done. Because I took OWNERSHIP of my faults and corrected course, I’m back in the game and having a great time.

Let’s be honest, right now there are tons of women out there who would be far more successful finding a man if they did exactly what I did: lose weight, stop drinking so much. Or if they lowered their standards. Or if they learned to show men greater value by offering more sex, care, affection, support, and kindness—aka value. Or if they examined how they behave on dates to show more interest and be more seductive. Or whatever it is that’s causing them not be successful in entering into or maintaining healthy relationships.

But like alcoholics and addicts before hitting rock bottom, many single women can’t admit there’s a problem. Worse, unlike the alcoholic who will eventually hit rock bottom, most women won’t. Instead it’ll just be a slow decline into copeville as they age out of the romantic marketplace. Because it’s always the man’s fault, and these women refuse to take accountability—nor will anyone ask them to.

To state the obvious: this is bad…for women. It’s bad for men too, of course, but because we hold men accountable, they are at least aware of their shortcomings. And for any men out there watching that sad-boy porn on TikTok, Reels, or Shorts, stop! It’s cope and you know it.

In any case, you won’t hear any excuses from me, nor do I allow them from my clients: get in excellent shape, upgrade your wardrobe, learn social skills, and give yourself lots of opportunities by asking out a wide variety of women. If they’re too picky, I tell them so. If they’re failing to get second and third dates, we talk about what they can do to affect a better outcome. We never, ever, ever blame the woman. We control what we can control, and work on finding attractive, kind, fun women.

Women should want to do the same! Like, if we want our female friends, daughters, sisters—hell, even our moms—to have healthy, vibrant relationships with men, we have to start holding them accountable for their choices.

Wish I could say I’m hopeful we’ll see a change here at some point, but not holding my breath.

Namaste my accountable readers. Looking forward to any feedback you have on this!

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Everyone seems fed up with dating apps and I don’t blame them. They’re super convenient, but they commoditize people in a way that’s pretty gross, and normalize bad behaviors like flaking and ghosting.

Luckily, I come bearing good news: you can *SHOCK HORROR* still meet people in real life! I met my ex-wife IRL, then had a super fun, robust dating life between 2017 and 2021 without using dating apps, then met my ex-GF—IRL. Since we broke up in March I’ve been traveling a bunch and moving, but I’ve met a few women in the meantime—all while out and about! Kinda crazy, because I’ve been on and off Hinge during the same time, and none of the women I matched with could actually manage to get their asses out of the house and on a date. And yet every women I’ve met in the flesh has shown up. It’s almost like they’re better people than what we find on dating apps 🤔…1

I’ve written lots on dating that’s useful, but in terms of IRL, the three below are the most directly relevant—check ‘em out!

• What to do if you’re single—everyone who’s single should read this.

• Guy Game 101 —there’s also a podcast version (yes, it’s one of the few I have behind a paywall, but it’s well worth it, and if you become a paying subscriber, I offer a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about, *coughs* dating, plus will be posting much more paid content soon)2

• Girl Game 102

Where to meet people: anywhere you meet them!

Anyone who’s like, “but where do I meet people?” A: not rotting in your bed, scrolling. Get your ass outta the house!

1. Popular bars/restaurants

2. Coffee shops

3. Street fairs

4. Night markets

5. Festivals

6. Concerts

7. Farmer’s markets

8. Food/beer/wine celebrations

9. Parades

10. Sporting events

11. Crowded shopping areas or tourist spots

12. Parties of any sort or size

13. Grocery stores

14. Airports (assuming they’re on your flight)

15. Outdoors: Skiing, camping, hiking, paddle-boarding, at the beach, boating

16. Night/dance clubs?3

17. Church?4

For men: social calibration—making the approach, and understanding when not to

What to do

1. Dress well, or at least be dressed appropriately for the situation. Be fit if possible—if not, work on it. Don’t look like a homeless person. Will make a post/pod on what this looks like soon, but for now this sub seems OK.

2. Smile, stand up straight, shoulders back, be proud—if you don’t believe in yourself, she never will.

3. Make it clear that you’re approaching: look at her face, make strong, sexual eye contact (she may or may not make eye contact in return, but she will know you are coming), don’t hesitate, and be deliberate.

4. Don’t think, just pitch. You came to talk to her because you think she’s pretty and you want to go on a date with her. At some point in the conversation you should tell her that.

5. Once you start talking, follow it through to the end. Finish—women hate it when you don’t 😉. Including asking for her number. Always, always, always close. I’m a sales bro now, so this is natural to me, but seriously: DO NOT END THE INTERACTION WITHOUT ASKING HER NUMBER. Because even if you were super nervous and that was obvious, she might still think you’re cute. Remember, you get credit for the approach, regardless of how well you manage the rest. Women respect a dude who shoots his shot, even if the answer is no. And in any case, you need the practice. I do. We all do.

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Initially, this was going to be a post on how some women are too picky. However, a recent post by Lana Li piqued my interest in how men, in the age of dating apps, are also becoming overly picky (highly recommend Lana’s substack Love Me Like a Robot)…and it made me think of how men miss the mark for this reason.

The best way to characterize pickiness in terms of sex/gender, is that women are too picky when it comes to choosing men, whereas men are too picky when it comes to committing to a relationship.1 This fits with the general dynamic that women are the gatekeepers of sex (choosing who to date), whereas men are the gatekeepers of relationships.

No one should date anyone they’re genuinely not attracted to, but we should also remember that pickiness is a trait we most closely associate with the behavior of children.

Adults understand that life is about tradeoffs—there are no perfect answers.

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Note: I will be using numbers to assign value (more on value in this post) to people in terms or how attractive they are to the opposite sex as a short-form way to make the point, but this doesn’t mean that every human isn’t unique and beautiful in their own way!

Men who won’t commit, even when they should

Let’s dispense with the dudes first because it’s an uncomplicated story: high quality men are extremely hesitant to commit to long-term, monogamous relationships. Why? Because if he’s a 9-10 in terms of looks/money/status, he’s able to have short term relationships with lots of women, which is a hell of a lot of fun, and doesn’t impose on his freedom to live however he wants.2 However, the next level of men, 7s and 8s, are also loath to commit, because if they’re using dating apps, they’re rarely matching with women who are equally attractive. Most of the dates they get will be with 5s and 6s, and he’s never going to be excited about committing to a woman who’s not on his level.3

However, where men screw up, whether the true 9/10 ballers, or the 7/8s, is that when they do meet a girl they find genuinely attractive, and she’s fun and interesting and truly into them, they fuck it up by not locking her down.

Part of this is FOMO: our human nature to wonder if there’s an even better looking, more compatible woman out there. But relationships are built over time. We become more valuable to our partners as we live together, love each other, share experiences, face challenges, etc. In other words, if he sticks with it, the bond he will develop with her will far surpass any new relationship that has to start at the beginning. The commoditization of dating via social media and dating apps makes it easy to forget that we are human beings, not products.

These men also don’t understand that when you meet a high-quality, beautiful, reasonable woman, she’s not going to wait around forever. She’s not going to put up with fuckboi behavior. She knows her value, and if she wants a long term monogamous relationship, she knows she can find one. And it’s often the case that men don’t realize this soon enough and lose her as a consequence.

I was in my fuckboi era (RIP: 2018-2022) when I met my ex-girlfriend, and on our third date she laid down the gauntlet: this is either a serious, monogamous relationship, or I’m walking. Very compelling and I committed!4

Men need to remember that time for us too, is ticking. We may have a longer runway, but if you want to get married and have a family, time is not unlimited. And it’s worth pointing out that if you haven’t had any long-term relationships or gotten married by the time you’re 35-40, that’s a red flag: a clear signal that you’re not serious about having a stable, lasting relationship.

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When Women Become too Picky: the Restaurant Analogy, Distorted Valuation, and Playing with Bad Odds

In the history of human civilization, women have never had more access to so many men of every make and model, nor have they enjoyed more freedom to exercise that access through social media and dating apps—and remember that on dating apps, there are 2-3 times as many men as women.

And yet, despite this incredible access to hundreds of millions of men actively seeking women, many women remain single because they can’t find a man who meets their standards. When people talk about how men, as a group, aren’t doing well these days, it’s often paired with the complaint from women that there just aren’t enough high quality guys out there.

This may be partially true as men are falling behind in terms of education and earning potential. But we also know that women are aggressively targeting the top 10-20% of men, and the competition is fierce. The true question is: if we had a society with way more high quality guys, would that make a difference, or would women simply continue to focus on that top 10-20%? On dating apps and social media, I have to imagine it’s the latter.

There’s simply no getting around the fact that at least part of the modern crisis of mating and dating is the fact that too many modern women are too picky. Too many 5s and 6s are targeting—and expecting to land and marry—men who are 7+, and that’s not going to work, because as pointed out above, marriage is not a good deal for men when this is the value proposition.

This pickiness isn’t intentional or explicit. It’s not that women want to be overly picky. But here’s why it happens anyway.

The Restaurant Analogy: All the Places She Can’t Afford

For women, dating is a lot like choosing a restaurant for dinner: she can eat anywhere she can afford to go that’s nearby. Her value determines how much money she has: if she’s a 6, she can eat at any restaurant who’s a 6 or below. She can also sometimes get into a place that’s a 7, or even an 8, but the more she exceeds her value, the smaller the tip she can leave, and the maitre’d may not be super excited to give her another reservation.5

When choosing, she’s also aware of her social circle, because of course, she’ll want them to approve. After all, if everything goes well, they’ll be joining her some of the time.

But unless she’s exceptionally beautiful, she’s going to get bored with the usual options—she wants to eat at the better restaurants!6 Totally understandable. It’s hard to want to eat at the Cheesecake Factory when you’ve been to Morton’s.

The good news is that if she’s willing to try something new and break with convention, she’ll discover all kinds of amazing places with phenomenal cuisines who would be more than happy to have her. But many women aren’t willing to be adventurous, or are unsure if their friends and family are ready for a more exotic meal.7

So she’s stuck with TONS of conventional options at a similar price point, and it’s not clear who to choose: some might turn out to be amazing and become the new spot to go on the regular, but most will be meh or slightly disappointing, and some will be downright awful. So before selecting a restaurant, she pours over the menu, inspecting every dish, researches where the chef went to culinary school, checks how big the place is, etc. And wouldn’t you know it, so many of them have flaws—especially true given the dating advice she sees on TikTok and Reddit.8

However, unless she is willing to get more money i.e. increase her value, OR is willing to try a less conventional restaurant i.e. go outside her comfort zone, her choices will remain the same, because she can’t afford a better restaurant. The price is the price. And this is how so many women come to share that same sad conclusion: there just aren’t enough good men out there.

But this is primarily a problem of perception, because there are plenty of great men available—they’re just not Prince Charming Perfect guys who check all the boxes and fit neatly into the curated life we see on social media. For those girls who have super strict filters on your apps, or don’t respond to DMs from cute, seemingly successful men, remember: you’re looking for a human relationship, not selecting a product off Amazon.

After all, most of those reasonable women I mentioned above are in long term relationships with or married to men who are great guys—like, there’s a huge cohort of women who are almost never single. But how?! Simple. These women are either willing to break with convention to access high quality men, or go about sampling the most suitable among their conventional options, and after seeing which place they like best, become their all time most valuable customer.

Those who have a hard time picking, or shifting strategies, should regularly remind themselves that time is ticking: as a general rule, women are most physically attractive in their 20s and early 30s. That doesn’t mean women can’t find love at any stage in life, but the longer one waits, the more likely it is the best restaurants are all booked up, or simply out of her price range. Permanently. Women don’t have to like this fact, but it’s no more arguable than a man who’s 5’2” trying to convince you he’s tall, or a man who’s broke trying to convince you he’s a baller.

Value inflation on social media and dating apps

One of the reasons this happens is that the amount of attention women get on dating apps and social media produces an inflationary effect on their assessment of their own value—many women who are 6s, think they are 8s. This is why the term “mid” exists as a pejorative.

And sometimes mid women match with guys who are extremely handsome on dating apps, or DM back and forth with men who are relatively famous on Instagram. They may even hookup with some of them. But this is where access does not lead to success, because the bar men have for sex is way, way lower than commitment to a long term relationship.

Waiting to hit the lottery: seeking unavailable men

This increased access dovetails into why some women treat modern dating like the lottery: perhaps they know it’s unlikely they’ll get one of these high quality or famous guys to choose them—but sometimes they do! Why can’t she be the one?

The fact is she could be—it’s true that sometimes the girl next door ends up engaged to a bro who plays in the NFL. But this is even less likely than hitting the lottery. Why? Because the lottery is random; male selection is not. Women seeking the top 10% of men are competing with every other woman on whatever platform he’s on. If it’s an app, this means hundreds of thousands of women in the same metro area. If it’s on IG or TikTok, it’s tens or potentially hundreds of millions. If he’s truly rich and/or famous, you might have a shot if you’re in the top 5% hottest girls on the planet. Maybe. And then it will certainly help to have access to him IRL. But let’s be honest, even if you do meet up, most of these guys are using social media and the apps to hook up—they’re not looking to settle down. Like, why would he when he has beautiful women throwing themselves at him on a daily basis?

And I get it! It’s fun to play the lottery. When the jackpot gets big, I’ll usually throw down a ten or twenty to see what can happen. Haven’t won yet though, which is why winning the lottery isn’t my financial plan, and similarly, not a good plan if you want a relationship.

A friend reminded me recently of a good rule to remember: if the chances of something happening are less than 3%, it’s best to assume it won’t happen. Ever.

Irrelevant Criteria and the Goldilocks Trap

Many women also use irrelevant criteria when choosing men. The two most common examples are age and height.

Think about this: how often do you ask co-workers their age? Indeed, how often do you ask anyone their age? I could hazard a guess at my colleagues’ ages, or my friends or other people I meet on a daily basis, but I don’t. Because I don’t care. And if it doesn’t matter in business, or life generally, why should it matter so much in relationships? If you find a dude attractive, and he’s successful and interesting and all the things, age is largely irrelevant, whether he’s younger or older.

As for height: if the guy is taller, isn’t that enough? How tall does he need to be, really, to turn you on? Remember, relationships happen in the flesh, person to person, not as hypothetical statistics on the screen of your phone. There are plenty of shorter men out there who would make phenomenal partners, but they never get the chance!

To illustrate the point: who would most women match with among the following men, assuming they are all equally handsome and in shape?

• Guy #1: 15 years older, 6’2”, makes 150K with 95% compatibility

• Guy #2: 3 years older, 5’8, makes 100K with 90% compatibility

• Guy #3: same age, 6’3”, makes 60K with 65% compatibility

On dating apps, women overwhelmingly choose guy #3. It’s actually likely they won’t even see the other two because of their filters.

This is what I call the Goldilocks Effect, and it’s why dating apps are becoming less and less effective for everyone: because women are using the irrelevant information provided by dating apps as important criteria in their selection process.

Keep it simple ladies—what matters for a successful relationship?

• Attraction: do you find him physically attractive?

• Connection: do you connect with him socially and intellectually?

• Benefits: is his status and position in life, who he is a person, and overall lifestyle going to make your life better?

If yes to all three, he’s a keeper. Don’t overthink it.

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Selecting Men Based on the Approval of Others

In high school, college, and my early 20s, I missed out on a ton of opportunities with awesome women, because even if I thought she was attractive, I worried about what my friends and family would think if she wasn’t pitch perfect. I was way too picky! And I didn’t have a ton of girlfriends at that age either—I was super picky in the absence of abundance. Dumb!

I’ve learned since this is ass backward: if you like someone, your family and friends will like them too. And if not, are they the kind of people you really need approval from?

This is surely why many younger women refuse to date older men—not because they don’t find older men attractive (Pedro Pascal is 50, Chris Hemsworth is 41, Matthew McConaughey is 55, Michael B Jordan is 38)—but because they’re worried about what their family or friends will think about the age gap. The same thing happens with older women who date younger men and then blink…oh no, what will people say? And there’s an extremely toxic version of this where race factors in. Let’s be honest, there are a lot of white girls out there who will NOT bring a black or hispanic guy home because she’s worried about what her parents or others will think.

Question: are you an independent woman, or a slave to convention and orthodoxy? Who has to live your life? YOU. No one else. People care far less about your choices than you might imagine—they’re far more focused on themselves than anyone else 99% of the time, even your parents. And again, if your family and friends are good people, they’ll support your choice in a partner and make him part of the group.

Remember, there’s also a social stigma in remaining single, and this will only become more intense as birthrates go down and people come to realize the huge advantage modern women have and are squandering in the modern romantic marketplace.9 Would you rather be judged for being single—and be lonely on top of that—or would you rather have a loving relationship with a high quality man despite his being slightly outside of your social circle’s conventions?

It’s natural to be picky about who we partner with—after all, if we’re looking for a long term relationship, we’ll spend years with this person. But there comes a point where many people are going to end up single and alone if they can’t reign it in.

For my guys who can’t commit, and my ladies who can’t decide, it’s time to take a look in the mirror.

Namaste y’all!

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Note: I’ve restructured this as 101 and the other post on Girl Game as 102, because this is absolutely the first thing women who are single and don’t want to be should internalize before proceeding to other strategies.

To solve any problem, we first have to identify its cause.

“Why isn’t my car starting?” for example, is a problem with a number of possible causes. We would probably start with the most likely reason—dead battery—and go from there.

But what if we couldn’t admit the car wouldn’t start in the first place? Or, what if we blamed the car not starting on someone else, and then waited for them to fix it? Would the car ever get fixed? Probably not.

Dr. Psych Mom and the Other Double Standard

Allow me a quick digression to introduce fellow substacker Dr. Psych Mom. She’s 100% honest, transparent, and very, very smart—clearly an expert in the psychology, anatomy, and chemistry of relationships. And her posts, while surely not the intention, make excellent arguments for why men shouldn’t get married. Why? Because according to DPM, nearly every problem that can happen in a marriage requires singular action by the man to solve. The woman is (mostly) blameless, without agency to make things better.

Now of course, men must take responsibility for their marriages and actively look to avoid and solve problems—no argument there. But a lasting marriage requires responsibility, agency, and buy in from both partners, including the woman. As I’ve pointed out, if both partners aren’t deadly serious about their commitment, cooperation, and compassion for each other, marriage is a terrible idea.

But to the point about cars and batteries, Dr. Psych Mom mostly won’t say this, nor will you hear it in the media or from most public figures. Why? Because the idea modern women should have to show up or perform in any way, for men, in anathema in our culture.1 So, while DPM is correct in her analysis about what is going on, her solutions are almost entirely focused on what the husband should do, rather than the wife.

The good news is that smart women who stay married don’t buy this narrative. They know they have to show up for their husbands, that relationships are the medium in which value is exchanged, and are reciprocal, quid pro quo. Almost all men know this too, because from a young age we are taught to sacrifice, serve, and do nice things for women. Good men take care of, provide for, and protect not only the women who love us, but all women. Indeed, the indication of a strong, mature man is that he takes care of others and helps them however he can.

I bring up DPM because she’s a good example of the double standard that is obvious once you see it, and yet taboo to bring up—namely, that we don’t hold women accountable in the same way we hold men accountable when it comes to sexual relationships. It’s rare that relationships fail because of only one person—more often it takes two to tango. In other words, things didn’t work because both people made mistakes and didn’t show up for each other.

But women often don’t hear this. For example, after a break-up, what are people likely to tell us based on our sex/gender?

• To men: you need to get your shit together, you got fat—like do you even exercise or lift bro?—you shouldn’t have stopped your side hustle for her, you didn’t take her on enough dates, you didn’t make enough money, you’ll be lucky if you can find another one like her, you should’ve been more empathetic and emotionally available, you totally blew it, like do you even go to counseling?

• To women: he didn’t deserve you, you were too nice to him, you were too patient, you were right to leave, you deserve a better man, you look great just the way you are, don’t blame yourself for not wanting sex anymore, he was too old/young/short/xyz anyway, he was too emotionally unavailable, he was a narcissist, everything will be OK…

When a woman isn’t successful in a relationship or can’t find one, she is often shielded from her role in the dysfunction. Told she deserves better.

Men, however, are told the harsh truth. We’re lucky in this regard, because it allows us to improve and become better men, more capable of having success in our next relationship. It’s a double standard that hurts women, even if it comes from a place of kindness.

Indeed, one of the last vestiges of misogyny in our society is a general unwillingness to be honest with women and treat them as adults who are capable of making adult decisions and living with the consequences. Look no further than the paternalistic age gap discourse: like, somehow 18-year-old men (and women) are mature enough to serve as soldiers in the military and die for their country, but 18-year-old women can’t decide who to have sex or relationships with? That is a bizarre and wildly inconsistent moral belief to hold, and yet it’s prominent in our culture.

To bring it back to the car that won’t start—men are told it’s their fault, whereas women, mostly, are not.2

Assuming Agency and Responsibility in Love and Relationships

The takeaway here is quite simple: figure out, ladies, what you can change.

The first thing I do with my male clients is an assessment of their relationships and overall success with women. We examine everything from their physical attractiveness to their social skills to their presentation, i.e. making sure they’re dressed for success and have excellent pictures if dating apps are they way they want to go.

Women should do likewise:

• What can you do to improve your physical beauty and appearance?

• When you’re in social settings, on dating apps, or using social media, what can you do differently or better to attract high quality men?

• When you’re on dates, or in a relationship, what can you do to retain high quality men?

Common Example: “He’s Intimidated by my Job/Accomplishments”

No. This is pure cope. It’s the cope-iest cope that ever coped.

No man doesn’t want a sexual relationship with a woman he’s genuinely attracted to because he’s intimidated. Men are simple animals: if you’re fuckable, he will persist in trying to fuck.

So get to the real questions: do you run your dates like board meetings? Are you cold and standoffish? Do you ask him questions about what he’s interested in, or what he likes to do? Are you kind, warm, and flirtatious? Do you delay or prevent sexual escalation from happening? Women think it’s bad to have sex early on when dating, but it’s just the opposite! If he likes you, as soon as the two of you have sex, he will like you MORE. That doesn’t mean you have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but a big reason anyone seeks a romantic relationship is because sex one of life’s most enjoyable experiences, and yet it’s impossible without being in one (unless you pay, but that’s different).

This is a perfect example where women don’t take responsibility for what they could change about dating by making it the man’s fault instead of their own—and everyone, especially other women, go along with the cope.

As I tell men, we can’t change the environment of the romantic marketplace, so we have to take power into our own hands and change what we do as individuals. If you’re not having the success you would like to have, what can you do differently to affect a different outcome?

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If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

Note: Please read The Meaning of Marriage post I made first to make sure you know what you’re in for!

If you’re a man reading this, start here. To be attractive to women, you need to build an attractive life—that means being in shape, dressing well, possessing social skills and confidence, and having a successful career where you either already make good money, or have a path to making good money.

However, getting married is mostly up to women, because women are the ones who choose whether a relationship starts in the first place. It is a man’s imperative to show interest, and it is a woman’s imperative to make a good choice in who she accepts or denies. For example, I talked to a lot of women just yesterday and they all either had boyfriends or told me no—and that is their prerogative! And then just this morning I met a stunner walking to work who gave me big eyes, and after we talked for a bit, her number. We’re getting sushi after she gets off work tonight!

Anyway, women who are often single and have trouble meeting high quality men need to examine to what extent they are bad at making choices in this regard. The most common example of this is not giving the guy a chance to shoot his shot, or saying no too often when he does without investigating if he’s a baller. Here’s an easy hack: tell him, “Alright big shot, but I’ve gotta make sure you’re not a maniac—let me see your IG or LinkedIn.” Some guys may not have an IG, but I guarantee if he has any sort of decent career, he’s got a LinkedIn. Easy to see from there what kind of dude he is.

Also ladies, if you’re only trying to meet the top 10% best looking guys in your market on dating apps, who are no more than 5 years older than you and are successful, tall, confident, and have game, this is going to be VERY difficult. Because literally every single woman your age on the apps is targeting those exact same guys. Are you top 10% beautiful? If not, that guy is unlikely to offer his commitment—and he may never offer it to anyone until he gets quite a bit older and wants to settle down. If you give a man the option to have casual sex with as many attractive women as he wants anytime he opens his phone, he will often choose to do just that.

Here are the basic steps if you want to get married, description to follow (great podcast on this by Orion Taraban—I want to make sure to give credit where due):

1. Increase the size of your dating pool by targeting older men and/or your dark horse.

2. Once you find a dude you like, make his life demonstrably better (he should do the same for you).

3. After six months to a year, move in together.

4. If you want children, or could want children, this will help.

5. After one to three years, he will propose and you will both take your marriage seriously as I’ve suggested above.

First, ladies, you have give yourself more options, and the right kind of options. You can do this in one of two ways: specifically target men 7-20 years older, or find your dark horse—a guy who isn’t there quite yet, but who’s on his way. He’s got what it takes to be successful and will be. Remember, it can take men a bit of time before we start kicking ass. Find a guy like that and support him until he makes it, and he will be forever loyal.

As for men who are somewhat older, there’s a natural convergence of mutually beneficial things that happen when older men date younger women. She gets a guy who’s established, makes good money, is mature, and can offer her his experience and leadership. He gets a woman who’s still in the flower of her youth, and who may still want/be able to have kids. A lot of women have been conned into believing this is gross, or wrong, but that is purely because they’ve bought into the propaganda they see on social media and elsewhere. No where else in the world do they stigmatize older man, younger woman relationships like in the Western US, Canada, and Great Britain.

I’ve got a secret for you, so listen close: if you get your advice for life on TikTok and Reddit, YOU ARE FUCKED. Life wisdom isn’t dished out in 60 second clips by losers who spend all day on their phones. FAFO.

Smart women know this. Remember: there’s a HUGE advantage in life for anyone who is willing to break with social convention to achieve their goals. I’m not suggesting women date guys twice their age, but setting your app filters for 7-20 years older is going to give you the opportunity to meet a successful, eligible bachelors who are far more willing to commit to a long term relationship and get married. You should also stop caring if he’s been married before or has kids—that’s actually a good sign. It means he’s a family man. He’s done it before, and if statistics are any indication, it probably wasn’t his idea to get a divorce. And many women, especially younger women, will not follow this advice, so your competition will be far less than fighting it out for the fuckbois.

Once you’ve found your guy, make his life better—he should do the same for you, otherwise he’s not the guy. Being nice, helping him become a better man, frequent sex, and consistent, clear communication is the key to winning his heart. And if his life is better with you in it, he’s not going to stray, because all his needs are being met.

Eventually this should lead to living together—timeline is up to you, but typically sometime after six months to a year, if you both love each other, then it’s time to shack up officially. This should happen before marriage. You need to live together to find out if it’s going to be a good idea—to deal with the fact his shoes smell, and he’s a messy cook, and that he will sometimes do things that are unintentionally inconsiderate or annoying. Remember, you’re not perfect either, and he’ll have to deal with your shit too.

Finally, if you want to get married, it helps if you want to have children. Like, that is a really good reason for a man to go ring shopping and commit to you for the rest of his life. For some men it’s the only reason he will do so. My personal opinion is that marriage is actually pointless if there aren’t children involved, but people should do whatever they want—I just see no reason to have a contract with the state to stay with someone I can choose to stay with anyway. Marriage protects children in the case of divorce, and is therefore necessary in that case.

Anyway, whatever is best for you as a couple, after sometime between a year or three, he should be ready to propose. Don’t be pushy, but do bring it up from time to time, and let him know how SERIOUSLY you are going to take being married to him, and that you will do everything in your power to be a good and supportive partner. He should promise you the same.

If you don’t want to do the things I’ve just suggested, you DON’T actually want to get married, and therefore you probably shouldn’t. Like, if you can’t commit to making your man’s life better, for example, why in the world would any man want to marry you?

A: he would not.

That’s all I got for now Turtle Doves. Love and peace to you. Namaste.

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

It’s a good goal for most of us! Marriage, especially with children, comes with an in-built mission, community, and beautiful, loving relationships. There’s a spiritual, human connection we have with our partner and family, and it’s only possible within a marriage. Until we form these bonds, our partner—no matter how long term—is merely a boyfriend or girlfriend.

The rub is that marriage is a terrible contract if both parties don’t fulfill the terms. And it’s a non-binding contract, so there is no requirement to fulfill the terms. Would you sign such a contract in business or personal finance?

Most of us would not.

Do We NEED Marriage? No, And That’s The Problem

Last Friday, I took heat for my company’s screw ups with one of our biggest clients. The screw ups weren’t my fault, but it’s my job to be the face of the company as the Business Development Executive for my region, good or bad. Because of our contract, we OWE IT TO THEM to do our best and improve, or they will use another vendor. It wasn’t super fun. We have a lot of work to do. But I was happy to listen to them, and now that I have their feedback, we’re in a position to make things better.

The reason they were willing to have the meeting in the first place? The reason they didn’t just tell us to go pound sand? Because they need us. We need each other. They’re a huge client who spends a lot of money, and they need our services in order to be profitable. It’s a win-win. And it would be a huge hassle for them to switch vendors. So even if things get shitty for awhile, we’re committed to each other for the foreseeable future.

The problem with modern marriage is that most people today don’t need each other the way men and women used to, and many aren’t willing to go through the shitty parts of life with their partner if leaving is easier. This is why nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce—70% initiated by women.1 Those are alarming statistics.

Unfortunately, I’m one of them. I’ve been married once, and came damn close with another woman. I don’t blame them—they’re both beautiful people and I wish them well. And there’s no doubt I made mistakes in both relationships. I’m a flawed person, far from perfect. I talk to my therapist about it every time we meet. But I’m also a powerful force of a man: a loyal friend, a vibrant lover, a damn good cook, and I get shit done. No one who knows me would tell you otherwise.

I bring this up because it takes two to tango—advice I’ve doled out to both couples I’ve had the privilege to marry as officiant. No partner is going to do everything right—or wrong—in any relationship. No relationship can go so well you get married, or even consider marriage, and then fail purely because of one person or the other, even if that’s often what people tell themselves.

But it’s not easy to stay with someone when things go south. Far easier to leave and quit. I know a guy who’s wife started cheating on him while he was going through chemo, so it could’ve been worse. It’s hard to persevere through the darkest hours in life, to continue grinding knowing that you’ll succeed if only you don’t quit. It’s why most projects go unfinished, why few people truly achieve excellence.

This is all to say that for many people, modern marriage isn’t for “better or worse, etc.”—for a lot of people now it’s for “better, richer, and in health,” and as soon as something bad happens, sayonara sucka. Because they don’t need the other person. For most people, marriage is a formalized convenience for status and an excuse to have a wedding and pretend you’re all grown up.

But if that’s all it is, you shouldn’t get married. If you get married, that’s not the contract you’re agreeing to. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. No, if you get married, you’re signing up to support that person through their trials, mistakes, flaws, and weaknesses. Nearly everyone will face a huge challenge in their life where shit gets bad, maybe really bad. And if you’re married to them, you signed up to bail water, not abandon ship.

Some people are still together because they’re lucky enough to be in a marriage where nothing that bad happens. Some portion of people reading this are in a sexless marriage, and for at least one person, that is not by choice.2 Some portion of people reading this are staying together for the kids—and as long as they can remain civil and do a good job as parents, that’s not as bad a reason as many people think. Some portion of people reading this are still married because it’s better financially, socially, or simply because they’re smart enough to know they don’t have better options. And all of them, even if they’ve never had to deal with a true tragedy, understand and abide by their marriage vows, despite their relationship not being perfect, nor their partner.

People Say They Want Marriage, But Make Counterproductive Decisions

I read some posts on threads about dating recently, so now the algorithm is continually feeding me that stuff, and it’s shocking to see the percentage of posts—almost entirely from women—that say: “dating for marriage.” Go now and see for yourself if you don’t believe me. I just checked again searching “dating” and five of the first 12 posts I saw said, “dating to marry, like this post”—the two below back to back as you can see.

Now, the shit people post on social media isn’t always worth taking seriously, but this appears to be a genuine desire on behalf of women generally. Ask any guy who’s on dating apps how many times he sees: “looking for something serious” or “no hookups” or “seeking a long term relationship.” Before I deleted the apps, the last match I remember texting with asked, “so what are you looking for on this app?”

“To fuck”

No, I didn’t actually say that, but I hope women understand that demanding a relationship before you’ve even met is insane—how can you know if you want a relationship with someone you literally don’t know? And at the risk of repeating myself, the reason fuckboi’s exist—the reason some men can use dating apps for sex without offering commitment—is because women filter out men who would make good partners systematically by using irrelevant criteria in their selection, and then only choosing to match with men who are far more physically attractive than themselves. If you’re a woman who just wants to fuck hawt guys, this is fantastic.

But, if you’re “dating to marry,” or “looking for something serious”, dating apps don’t work very well—by definition. Ever since their inception and adoption, the marriage rate has gone down year over year.

Why? Because a man will marry when he meets a woman who’s more attractive than what he’s used to—a woman he genuinely enjoys spending time with and who makes his life better. Good and frequent sex also helps. But men will not engage in a long term relationships—let alone get married—when they are certain they can do better, and that’s reality for most men on dating apps.

As a result, many women are aging out of the dating market, unmarried and childless, despite wanting to be one or both. Men aren’t helping the matter, as many are simply too immature and/or unprepared for a long term commitment. Around 30% of young men aren’t having any sex at all. I’m not the first or only one to notice this—just the next in a growing list of people to say so.

But the dynamics are what they are for a reason: the choices people make about sexual relationships are based primarily on instinct, not logic, so we probably can’t expect this to change anytime soon.

If You Truly Want Marriage, Understand What It Means

Ask yourself honestly: are you willing to go through the “worse, sicker, poorer?” Are you willing to support your husband or wife through cancer, the loss of a family member or child, a health crisis, addiction, unemployment, or whatever other shit life may throw at you? All that stuff is really bad. It’s perfectly reasonable to be scared of any and all of this, and many people’s first instinct will be: run.

But life is long, and invariably, bad stuff will happen. Despite what we see on television and social media, life isn’t a sitcom where everything always goes well—and it’s often not our fault or something we can control. And if you aren’t willing to weather these storms with your spouse, you want marriage like you want a handbag or a new pair of skis.

In other words, you don’t—not really.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you were them, would you want to marry someone who was going to bail at the first sign of trouble? Would you want to pay a shitload of money, sign a contract with the state that gives them half your assets, and then stand in front of all your family and friends and declare your undying love and commitment, only to have your spouse render it all null and void on a whim?

No, you would not.

There are three legitimate reasons to get a divorce:

1. Infidelity

2. Unwillingness on the part of one or both partners to give the other person what they need/want—or at least to commit to work on it—like a sexless marriage or regular financial issues

3. The revelation that someone is fundamentally indecent or not mentally, emotionally, or socially capable of honoring their vows

That’s about it. Whatever may come, whatever dissatisfactions we have, as long as a couple can communicate and agree to work on solving those problems to restore the health of the marriage, there’s no reason for divorce—not yet. We owe it to our partner to give them time to right the ship.

If that all sounds like too much, you should not get married; you don’t deserve it, and you don’t really want a marriage anyway. And that’s fine! You can have long term relationships, or whatever kind of sexual relationships you want. But don’t marry someone if it’s not the most serious thing you do in your life.

Because it isn’t fair to either of you.

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

“His computer’s off. Luke, you’ve switched off your targeting computer—what’s wrong?”

Luke: “Nothing, I’m all right.”

Similarly, while waiting for a flight recently at SeaTac, the same message came to me: “use the force, let go…” And despite having a few dozen matches and several dates set up (sorry ladies!), without thinking twice, I deleted the apps.

Could I get better photos? Absolutely. Could I tweak my profile? 100%. As mentioned, I was getting some results, but in the end, who was in control? Whoever it was, whether the algorithm or the ladies, one thing was for sure—it wasn’t me.

We have two choices when we realize a game is stacked against us: we can take the meager scraps we get, suffering submissively, supplicating for something better—or we can assert our power and choose to play a different game. Ship after ship had been destroyed, mindlessly following the path of the targeting computer. Would Luke’s fate have been any different?

Crash Davis has a great line in Bull Durham: “I don’t believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.” Annie is taken aback when he says this, and immediately regrets her decision to make Crash compete for her affection against the young and inexperienced Nuke Laloosh. Unfortunately, she’s too stubborn to admit her mistake until much later on in the film (post to come soon: fuck pride).

What are dating apps if not quantum physics? The app’s algorithms stacked upon each individual woman’s endless checklists and complicated calculus of green, yellow, and red flags, inventing her own algebra of filters as she desperately tries to sort through her myriad options. It’s all very complex and I’m not sure anyone knows exactly how it all works.

The Market of Lemons Created by Dating Apps

Men envy women for their abundance of options in the romantic marketplace, but I’m not sure we should. Like, there’s a reason women, too, are fed up with the apps, and it’s because in the sea of choices they enjoy, there are very few high quality options. Why? Because dating apps have created a market of lemons.

For those unfamiliar, a market of lemons is a marketplace where buyers have less information than sellers. The original paper used cars as the model: some used cars are being sold because they are lemons (poor quality), which is why the resale price of any car drops precipitously as soon as it’s driven off the lot.1 However, only the seller knows if the car is a lemon or not, meaning the buyer has to take her chances. The problem, however, is that this lowers prices for all cars, not just lemons, and as a result, people don’t sell high quality used cars, because in a market of lemons, buyers refuse to pay what they’re worth.

On dating apps, Women (buyers) can really only examine the information men (sellers) choose to include, and let’s be honest: 95% of this decision is based on pics. As attraction is the first key to a romantic relationship, this isn’t a bad place to start, but there are plenty of handsome guys out there with great pics who have no swag, no G, or who are just plain awkward weirdos—there’s also no guarantee he’s even remotely successful. Anyone can put on a suit, hire a photographer, or find a lambo to take a picture in front of. All of this, combined with the abundance of matches, leads women to take to what I call “wind talking”: trying to determine a dude’s worthiness on a platform that can’t possibly convey the information she needs by adopting arbitrary and subjective criteria for her choices.

And, in true FAFO fashion, this selection process is why there are so few high quality men on dating apps— because if you’re truly a high quality man, you have the ability to meet women by other means. So why subject yourself to such a random and inefficient process, especially given that the quality of your matches on the apps will never match the quality of women you can meet through social circle, IRL, or social media?2 Why sell in a market of lemons?

A: You don’t.

A man’s value to a woman simply cannot be expressed on these platforms as currently constructed—no matter how much we twist and contort ourselves, dating apps will always be a market of lemons.3 A high quality man spends his time more productively: building relationships, advancing his career, earning more money, working on projects, increasing or maintaining his physical strength and fitness, enjoying nature, spending time with friends and family, and providing for those he loves and cares for. Why spend our time and energy sorting through profile after profile, only to get mediocre results, when we can meet women in other ways where our true value can be expressed?

Sour Grapes? The Lack of Any Other Option

I’m sure to some, this comes off as sour grapes, but let me ask you this: is it sour grapes to get a better job if your current employer doesn’t value your labor? Is it sour grapes to leave a relationship when your partner doesn’t give you the love and affection you deserve? Of course not.

No, the real sour grapes are that most people don’t have any other choice. They’re resigned to use the apps and accept what they get.

Most men won’t learn to talk to women IRL, and the main reason? They don’t have the stones. Almost all men who’ve hired me as a dating coach wanted to learn this skill, but only about 20-30% actually did it. I was able to help the others by teaching them how to use the apps and improve their dating and overall game, but few guys ever get over their fear of rejection on this front.4

Women, on the other hand, want to be pursued, and many report that they would like more men to approach them—but they run into two problems:

1. The above—most men are too cowardly to approach.

2. They get in their own way, either not giving guys a chance to shoot their shot, or not being in enough social situations to allow men to approach organically.

The other problem women have is an inflated sense of their true value in the romantic marketplace. Getting attention from men online is easy, and it’s also incredibly validating no doubt, to have hundreds of matches on the apps to choose from, and even more bros hitting you up on IG to tell you how pretty you are.5 But this forgets a basic fact: men have a very low bar for women they’d be willing to have sex with. The bar is far higher for those worthy of a relationship. But women confuse his choice of “right now” for true desire.

So what are women to do? I’ve made some suggestions that will certainly help, and I’ll work on future posts and offering more strategies and tactics women can employ in the future.

For now, I’ll note there’s a massive difference between the romantic ideal many women have of “it’ll just happen” and sifting through men on the apps like shopping on Amazon for the best electric tea kettle. And if women, like Luke, turned off the targeting computer, the opportunities they have with men may be fewer, but they’re going to be far more authentic. It would also force women to confront whatever bad habits they have in terms of being socially active and receptive to conversation.

On Dating Apps, We All Become Commodities

To zoom out a bit, there’s a reason people are so miserable in today’s romantic marketplace—why we see so much flaking, ghosting, and dissatisfaction. It’s because we treat each other like commodities: like products, not people. Products can be easily discarded. If my lawn mower doesn’t work I’m just going to buy a new one. But to treat people this way is inhumane by definition. It is to forget their humanity. And regardless of whether or not someone is a good match—even if they’re fat and ugly, even if they have no personality—they’re still a human being who deserves some basic modicum of dignity and respect.

When Luke was plunging through the mechanical canyons of the Death Star, despite all the sci-fi technology of war, he was caught in a trial of good vs. evil, a story as old as time. He didn’t need the goddamn computer—he needed the trilogy of heart, mind, and purpose that culminated in the final coup de grace, saving billions from having their planets annihilated by tyrants.

Not sure our journey in romance is quite as intense as that…although, when we get it right, it certainly can be. Crash Davis is right: quantum physics have no place when it comes to matters of the heart.

Namaste my little love birds!

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

"There are no solutions, only trade-offs." —Thomas Sowell

In politics and certain areas of economics, or anything that is a zero-sum game, this is the rule. For example, universal healthcare would increase access and lower healthcare costs for many Americans, but it might mean a slightly longer wait for appointments, surgeries, and/or treatments, and we would either have to raise taxes or pull money from other expenditures, like the military or social security to pay for such a system. We can make any decision we want, but every decision involves trade-offs.1

Life: The Positive-Sum Game

The good news is that unlike political or economic matters, life is not a zero-sum game. We can all win when we can cooperate for mutual gain. If I have skills that can help a business grow, the owner gains by employing me, and I gain by earning a better salary. If you meet and fall in love with someone, both of you are made happier and more fulfilled than you were when single. And because the human experience is, or at least can be, a positive-sum game, there are always solutions. Even without the cooperation of others, we can win as individuals, provided we seek intelligent solutions. The catch is that those solutions still involve trade-offs. We can all get more of what we want, but we have to be willing to sacrifice something we think we want to get it.

The Hidden Cost of Aesthetics

Take aesthetics: we all like things to be neat, clean, pretty, fit a certain style—i.e., we want shit to look good—but there’s a high cost paid for wanting these things, because everyone has this same desire. For this reason, things that “look good” typically cost far more than their market value, and also happen to confer very little long-term benefits to the buyer. Most of us know by now, for example, that people are made more happy by gifts or purchases that involve an experience—like a concert or vacation—than those that involve acquiring a material possession, like the sexiest new flatscreen TV or retiling your bathroom. Seems cool for awhile, but after a time it’s just the new status quo.

Consider owning a mansion in the English countryside. How fucking awesome would that be? Amazing! But think about how it would be used. Most American households have between one to four people living in them. So, the owners would use four bedrooms at most, maybe three to five bathrooms, and they’d spend 80-90% of the rest of their time in the kitchen or family room. In other words, instead of paying 20M pounds for the mansion, they could have bought a large country cottage with property for 500K-1M pounds and been afforded much of the same aesthetic experience with the exact same functionality for all practical purposes. Aside from the investment value, that’s 19M paid for pure vanity in the form of aesthetics—and if you’re smart, the extra would earn far more in the market than real estate.

The problem is people pay these aesthetic costs all the time without realizing it, typically at the cost of getting less of what they want, or not getting what they want at all. Dating and romantic relationships are a classic example. Studies of dating apps show that people typically want to date someone about 25% more attractive than themselves. We certainly can’t fault people for wanting to date someone who’s attractive, fun, confident, and successful, but the “looks” side of things is mostly aesthetic, because while there’s a baseline of attraction we need to feel to get excited for sex, beyond that it’s like the mansion above: AMAZING at first and cool to show off to your friends, but otherwise irrelevant. And in my experience, just because someone is a 9 or 10 doesn’t mean she’ll be any good in bed. IYKYK.

How Men and Women Sabotage Themselves

For men, the mistake is almost always purely aesthetic: we value beauty to the exclusion of most other factors. Our equation is simple: pretty enough + SFN = keeper.2 For men, not finding love means he’s not offering enough value to match his threshold for beauty. In this case he has two choices: he can lower his standards, or become a more valuable man so as to attract more beautiful women.

For women, it’s the physical look of a man combined with other qualities that drive her attraction, such as confidence, status, humor, provision (wealth), and protection (security). But in an era dominated by dating apps, there are a lot of non-physical aesthetics women are considering—factors that serve to misinform or confuse their ability to select a suitable partner by introducing contradictory or irrelevant information into their choices about who to date. Factors like a man’s age (whether too young or too old), religious or political beliefs, taste in music or media, prior relationship experience, drug or alcohol use (if controlled), and many other things women think they should value are totally irrelevant if they feel genuine attraction and connection to their partner, and the relationship benefits them in terms of happiness and lifestyle.3 Even height gets overblown—it’s certainly fair for women to want to date men taller than themselves, but it is purely aesthetic: how tall a man is only marginally affects his overall worth in the long run of a relationship, and women pass on shorter men all the time who could offer them a lifetime of love and happiness given the opportunity.4

The High Price We Pay for Superficial Standards

The point here is that both sexes pay a large cost for aesthetics in the game of mating and dating. Looks matter of course! But if men were to slightly relax their standards for beauty when it comes to women, and women were to drop their use of irrelevant non-physical aesthetics in their assessment of men, they would benefit individually, and everyone would benefit collectively. A good analogy is wine: there are lots of amazing wines you can buy at a $15-20 price point that will taste every bit as good, if not even better, than wines that cost more than $50. But a lot of men and women in the romantic marketplace insist on paying a higher price that confers no real value, other than the aesthetics and reputation the label carries.

And there’s a danger here…what if you never meet or connect with the sort of person who matches your aesthetic ideal? What if you pass on them? Never get a better offer? Consider the long term. What’s better, fellas: being married to a slightly less attractive woman who’s your best friend when you’re 50+, or being a lonely old man with no children or wife to care for him because he was overly concerned about dating out of his league? What’s better, ladies: being married to your soulmate who happens to be 15 years older, or watching your options on dating apps dwindle in your 30s and 40s because you’re squeamish about age gaps, as the men who are your peers discover they can date younger women?

Not a good look in either case, if one is worried about aesthetics.

Breaking Conventions: The Hudson-Belichick Example

Consider an extreme outlier: Jordan Hudson, Bill Belichick’s 24-year-old girlfriend. Bill is 73, and Hudson has taken a lot of shit and judgment from society for their age gap (so has Bill, but I’m pretty sure he’s all good). But she’s incredibly smart and has shown herself to be made of sterner stuff than her peers. If we stipulate that she feels some genuine physical attraction and connection toward Bill, her willingness to break social convention means she’ll have more advantages than nearly every other woman on the planet. Surely, she’ll have access to some of his hundreds of millions in wealth, and her notoriety gives her the ability to do anything she wants. She could start a beauty line, modeling career, podcast, write a book, become a recording artist—the world is her oyster. And, their age gap is so significant that whenever or however their relationship ends, she’ll have plenty of time to find another man to be her life partner in old age.

Seems pretty smart if you ask me, and if it’s purely a ploy, she’s lapping the girls doing OnlyFans.5

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There are, of course, other examples where people pay too high a price for aesthetics, or are unwilling to make other trade-offs that would allow them to get more of what they want, and I’ll discuss those in future posts.

The takeaway here is fairly obvious: we should think long and hard whether our aesthetic requirements are serving our romantic desires. But also, think about how this concept might affect other aspects of your life: work, relationships with family or friends, entertainment vs. personal or professional development. In each, are there easy sacrifices—trade-offs, as Sowell would say—that you can make to get more of what you want?

A worthy question to consider. Namaste my friends!

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!

The reaction from society at large has been to victim blame. Men just need to “man up” and “do better.” A somewhat hilarious framing we see all the time in the media is: “men doing badly, women most affected.”

To be fair, some of this is men’s fault. If you spend all day watching porn, playing video games, and not improving yourself, you will not accomplish much in life, nor will you be attractive to women. This is why a significant portion of GetBetterSoon is dedicated to helping men improve, both in dating and in life generally.

However, even if you “have your shit together” as a man, I don’t think society at large truly comprehends how hard it is for men when it comes to dating—and that isn’t within their control. It’s because dating has become an incredible crucible through which very few men can pass.

Consider: if any man were to lay his entire life bare to all attractive women on the planet, no matter how hot or successful he was, 99% would reject him. Why? Because given full transparency, they would find something wrong, some flaw that cannot be overlooked, some “dark” aspect of his character—especially true now that we’ve labeled the mere fact of being masculine as “toxic.” No man is Prince Charming Perfect, nor can any man offer a woman the unconditional love of her father. Indeed, if we could go back in time and introduce women to their fathers as potential suitors when they were younger, they would almost universally reject the men their mothers married.1 Remember, on dating apps, the average man is matched with or swiped right on 0.6% of the time. That means 994 out of 1000 women said, “nah.”

Women are hardwired to reject and be picky.2 For the first handful of dates—or let’s be honest, typically until sex happens—they are looking for reasons to kick men to the curb. Like raptors testing the fences for weakness, women test the men they date to determine their worthiness. And they should! This is every woman’s right and her prerogative. Women have far more to lose than men should a romantic encounter go wrong—even if the guy is just an asshole, that is a tremendously unpleasant experience!3

However, with the advent of dating apps and social media, it’s clearly gone too far. Women are fond of complaining “there aren’t enough good men” but the problem is that no matter how good men are as a collective, women will always want a man who’s in the top 10%, and they now have access to literally every man on the planet who has a smart phone. Not all men can be six feet tall, make six figures, and have six pack abs—it’s called biology and capitalism. Indeed, modern female pickiness is leading to a scenario where more and more women—particularly as they get into their 30s and 40s—are single and childless, despite wanting to be neither. But that is another story for another time.

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The Brutal Truth About Men and Women on the Apps

This is going to sound harsh, but is true by definition: unless newly single, being on a dating app if you’re a man means you’re undesirable to most, if not all women—the only other reason is you’re a fuckboi.4 It’s one or the other. Because a man who is highly desirable on the apps and wants a relationship will find one in relatively short order. The fact this represents an extremely small number of men is irrelevant: we either pass, or we do not.

The corollary for women on dating apps is that again, unless newly single, by definition, these are the most picky, unreasonable, least likely to compromise, and most disagreeable of all women. Because even if she’s just mildly attractive, a smart, kind, not overly picky woman will find a guy rather quickly. Remember, women have a 3-1 ratio in their favor on dating apps! So if she’s making a genuine effort to get out there, the most likely explanation a woman is single is that she’s too picky, flaky, mean, and/or unreasonable. In all likelihood, she is taking into consideration irrelevant information about the men she dates, and using it to disqualify them as potential partners.5

The Gauntlet of Female Criteria

Consider that on dating apps, or IRL, despite finding a man physically attractive—even highly attractive—a woman will not match, go on a date with, or continue dating him for any of the following reasons:

• An objectionable photo

• The wrong kinds of photos

• Having been single too long, or not long enough

• Too old/young

• Not tall enough

• Prior relationships

• Children

• Religious affiliation

• Political beliefs

• A job title that’s not prestigious enough

• Too much/little education

• Not intellectual enough, or too intellectual

• Too many/not enough tattoos and/or piercings

• Bad prompts, or prompts with either too much or not enough information

• Liking the wrong kinds of shows, books, or podcasts

• Being too much of, or not enough of the following:

  • Jock

  • Nerd

  • Bro

  • Outdoorsy

  • Feminine

  • Masculine

  • Hipster

  • Punk

  • Dad

Now, I will concede that some of these things might be important in determining her attraction, fostering her ability to connect with a man, or assessing the benefits he might provide her—but they also might not be, and that’s a hell of a gauntlet to run for any man, no matter how attractive or well qualified. Again, no man is Prince Charming Perfect according to any woman’s individual whims and fancies, but that won’t stop them from trying to find him on the apps.

Modern culture encourages and severely punishes oversharing

One of the lies we’ve been told by modern culture is that people will accept you for exactly the person you will are, and that being honest and open are virtues. I wish this were true! Being honest and open is good, for you, but being honest and open when it will hurt you is stupid. As I often repeat, GetBetterSoon is reality based media. I’m not here to make you feel better, I’m here to help you do better.

And the truth is that in a highly online society where anything and everything is politically or socially weaponized by idiots on TikTok, IG, and YouTube, people—especially men—simply can’t risk oversharing, because the modern narrative about dating is that we have to be nearly identical and believe all the same things to connect romantically, even though that’s both wrong and impossible. Like, there are regular posts on Reddit worrying about a two year age gap, and there are concern trolls there to encourage this absurdity.

The leaps of judgment people make are also incredible. “Oh, you listen to Rogan—you must like Trump, and therefore you must like Andrew Tate and therefore you must be a red-pill, incel…” Or, maybe, just maybe, he thinks Rogan is funny and enjoys the conversation, even if he doesn’t agree with everything the guy says? Maybe he agrees more often with the guests who call Rogan out or disagree with his dumb opinions? And that’s just the point—I’m not a fan of the guy, and I think his schtick of “bros just asking questions” is having a deleterious effect on society—but that doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with someone who’s loves him! We don’t have to agree about everything, and the assumptions people are prone to make base on tiny bits of information are tremendously harmful if we want to have a high-trust, high-functioning society.

For men who want more on how to control the narrative so as to better pass through this crucible, read Guy Game 201.

As always, thanks for reading. Namaste!

If you want to get in touch, DM me on Substack, or drop a comment below. If you like what I’m doing, please share this with a friend or family member who needs to GetBetterSoon, and if you really like what I’m doing, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This will give you access to all of my posts and podcasts, and a free hour consult on anything you want to talk about. Thanks again for your support!